Sorry, folks. The Skidmark is taking another break for the month of December. No reason. We should be back in action with January's issue.
December 2, 2008
November 1, 2008
East Mesa Opens California Cultural Center
Special Report: Diversity In Action
There. Or here?
Here. Or there?
Chances are, you came to ‘Cruces from out of state. Chances are even higher that state is California. In fact, 6.875 out of 10 new residents that have relocated to the Mesilla Valley since 2000 hail from the Golden State.
Now they have a place to call home.
Local woman Barbie Goldfarb, who moved here from Rancho Cucamonga Santa Rita-San Juan Capistrano, San Bernardino in 2002, says ‘it’s about time’. Goldfarb, who heads the local chapter of the California Cashouts Coalition (CCC), said she formed the group here shortly after relocating to create a community bond between West Coast emigrants.
“A vast majority of us Crucefornians came here to start a new life after selling our homes for up to five times what they are realistically worth in the modern real estate market,” states Goldfarb. “It’s tough to arrive in a strange new city, to move into a new house paid for free and clear, and to have an extra $425,000 just sitting in the bank with nothing to spend it on.”
Goldfarb discovered there were many, many, many new residents just like her and found the CCC to be a great way to connect.
The CCC was founded in 1999 by a group of California ex-pats in Boise, ID and has since spread to all the western states surrounding California, including Oregon, Nevada, Arizona, and Utah. And now – Southern New Mexico.
The California Cultural Center, a newly constructed pink stucco monstrosity sitting atop the highest point of East Lohman, opened its doors last month to any Crucefornian resident who yearns for a little taste of home. The Center can be easily recognized by its ring of palm trees, bubbling water fountains, and opulent display of luxury four-wheel-drive vehicles with California license plates.
Fellow CCC member Aaron Anderson, a recent Crucefornian, says he felt right at home at The Center. “It’s great. I’ve only been here for 3 months, but I’m a little bit homesick. Now I can come here to just hang out and do nothing. Everyone at The Center has blonde hair and boob jobs – it’s so hot!”
Anderson, age 26, says he spends his spare time purchasing affordable homes in the “urban core”, gutting and renovating the interiors “California style”, painting the exteriors in a subtle peach stucco, and flipping them for three times the price.
“It’s fun, it’s kind of like a hobby. Most of the people who buy my houses are from Cali too. They pay cash. They want to put in backyard pools – I don’t do pools, but I’m glad they are because I think the desert needs more pools.”
Although in its beginning stages of operation, the Cultural Center is planning many activities and is open to suggestions from Crucefornians to make Las Cruces as comfortable and familiar to them as possible.
“We just started the Rushhour Race. I know, it sounds crazy but it’s been a big hit. Basically what we do is get all the members of CCC to get in their cars and just drive. Drive, drive, drive. Mostly we stick around the Lohman/Telshor corridor, and we stay in a pack to produce the most congestion. We do it for about an hour each morning and afternoon, then a bunch of us girls meet up at Starbucks for a latte before going to our yoga class. In SoCal we hated the traffic! But there wasn’t any here and we missed it, so we’re making changes.”
The Cultural Center also offers massage sessions starting at $125 per hour, walk-in plastic surgery consultations, and The Water Shoppe – featuring more than 100 brands of bottled municipal tap water from around the world.
Currently under construction, and also under scrutiny of local environmentalists, is The Smog Bog. Once completed, the 2,000 square foot room, hermetically sealed, will give Crucefornians the chance to experience the same olfactory sensations as they had back home by pumping vehicle exhaust into the ventilation system. For health reasons, visitors into the room are allowed a maximum stay of five minutes. Proponents of the attraction state the human sense of smell creates the strongest sense of familiarity and nostalgia, and will help newcomers adapt more quickly.
Also in the works is an extra-curricular program where visitors can play games such as Pin The Cookie-Cutter Housing Development On The Open Desert Frontier and attend California Slang language classes so they don’t lose their nasally accent in exchange for local Spanglish.
If you are from California – and you probably are – and would like more information, visit The Center’s website at www.cccccc.cc or just head up to The Hill and look for the parking lot full of Lexus SUVs.
City Plans Series of Residential Zoos
“City Cat Castle”, one of the featured exhibits in the Las Cruces “Tour of Zoos”
In recent months, numerous residents have been arrested for homing dozens – and even hundreds – of animals in their homes and on their properties. The arrests, and subsequent mass exterminations of diseased animals, led one man to come up with a solution.
John Dolittle, resident zoologist at NMSU, says he has the answer. He took his ideas to City Council members who unanimously agreed to give the program a try.
“So we have neighbors complaining. The smells, the garbage, and the disease-factor of rotting animal carcasses strewn around their neighborhoods,” explains Dolittle. “We have to accept that some people just love animals so much that they want to have as many as possible, but when their love expands toward hundreds and hundreds of animals we need to realize they need a little help.”
Dolittle proposed designing a program to benefit the animal-hoarders, a curious community, and the animals themselves.
“We need to stop treating animal-lovers as criminals, and instead allow them to share their collections with the community.”
Beginning this month, a series of homes will be open to the public on Saturdays, giving local residents the opportunity to see, smell, and touch the workings of an in-home zoo. A one day pass costs $2.50 per individual or $10 per family and comes with a current map pinpointing homes containing twelve or more animals. The fees help to cover food and health care costs associated with cramming large numbers of animals into small spaces, as well as helping to pay for the mental health treatment of the hoarders.
“We’re especially excited to see the reaction of children who will have the chance to see 82 cats in one room, up close and in person,” exclaims Dolittle.
Dolittle states there will be a wide variety of animals available to see, but the majority of them are feral cats and mixed-breed pit bulls with battle scars. The exhibits are subject to change weekly as animals die and new ones are hoarded.
“We don’t want to bore people by saying it’s all just dogs and cats, because it isn’t,” Dolittle explains. “We have some houses containing ducks, rats, parrots, lizards, geese, and even a handful of domesticated jackrabbits. There’s a huge variety – we just never know what we’re going to find.”
“This is a win-win situation for all involved. Now we can avoid having to euthanize the hundreds of surplus animals who get dumped into the landfill, and give children the opportunity to see and touch these beautiful creatures instead of having to travel to the zoo in El Paso.”
Dolittle states it is unlikely any of the homes will contain exotic animals like elephants, zebras, or boa constrictors – but “you never know!”
Those interested in attending the Saturday “Tour of Zoos” can get further information or purchase day passes by visiting www.lcanimalhoarding.com.
Local Residents Fight For Bicycle Lane
Members of the worldwide Critical Mass bicycle gang have joined forces in Las Cruces in an attempt to convert the Lohman/Amador corridor into bicycle-only lanes.
“Yeah, we’re just kinda fucking sick of it, ya know?”, states Trek Cannondale, local Ride Leader. “Every day, I ride along the sides of the streets here. They throw shit at me, half-empty beer cans and hamburgers. And the roadsides are just littered with broken glass and gravel. Enough is enough.”
Cannondale and his team, currently numbering only three, have started a crusade to turn eastbound-Lohman and westbound-Amador into bicycle-only routes. Cannondale asserts that by providing safe, clean cross-city arteries for non-motorized vehicles, more people will be inclined to make the transition from four wheels to two.
“I live downtown, but I work over by The Mall. I have no choice but to follow the Lohman route,” says fellow rider Schwinn Huffy.
We asked Huffy about the option of riding the bus, and he said “No, it sucks. It takes twice as long to get there on the bus, I tried it. Plus, riding my bike is free.”
Cannondale and his gang contacted City Planners and asked them to close off Lohman to vehicle traffic.
“They said no. They asked us how they would divert all the crosstown car traffic from one of the most heavily traveled roads in town and we said we didn’t know.”
“I don’t care where all the cars go,” said Cannondale, “but we deserve a road all to ourselves. Even if there were only three cars in town, they would get their own road. So should we.”
Despite the setbacks, Cannondale’s group continues to meet downtown the last Friday of every month for the obligatory Critical Mass bicycle ride around town.
“Yeah, well, I know three people isn’t that critical and it’s small – but it’s a mass nonetheless.”
The group is also raising public awareness by riding three abreast as slowly as possible along Lohman during the afternoon rushhour.
“We know people are seeing us based on the intense level of honking and shouting. We want to raise bicycle awareness, and it’s working.”
“Make Believe” School Shooting at NMSU
LAS CRUCES — It’s a situation in which Rosie Pressler would have just kept working, doing what she usually does as an NMSU records technician at Hadley Hall.
“But now that I know the difference, I’ll know something’s going on and I’m going to treat it differently,” she said.
That’s the intended effect New Mexico State University police were shooting for — literally — Wednesday morning when the agency held its first active shooter drill, a simulation of a school’s worst nightmare: a gunman opening fire on staff and students. The occupants of Hadley Hall were notified of the exercise in advance.
At the stroke of 9 a.m., NMSU Police Chief Jaime Chavez entered Hadley, the campus’ main administrative building. Armed with two handguns and an assault riffle that were modified to shoot only blanks, the university’s top cop was able to go on all three floors and calmly fired about 60 rounds. It took less than a minute. It’s the kind of swiftness school shooters familiar with the targeted building have been known to have, Chavez said.
And it’s the kind of sudden attack that makes it necessary for staff to take their well-being into their own hands by seeking out a safe place until officers are able to respond.
“That’s one of the reasons why we empower you to make those decisions,” Deputy Chief Stephen Lopez told a crowd of Hadley workers. “If you can run, if you can hide, if you can wait out those first few minutes, your chances (of survival) are going to go up,” he said.
The exercise was also intended to familiarize employees with the sound of gunshots. Pressler, for one, initially thought the shots sounded like cabinets hitting the floor.
“Some of the things that to us sound like gunfire, may not sound like gunfire to the layperson,” Chavez said. Once realizing what she was listening to, Pressler said her reaction was different.
“My reaction was to close the door behind me and go to a centralized area,” Pressler said..
“This training is much needed,” Chavez said, a similar exercises at other campus buildings are planned.
Throb: 28th Annual TWEF: Hells yes!
See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!
G-Fresh, Throb Columnist
Las Cruces’ finest guarding the Giant Turkey Legs booth from throngs of starving festival attendees
Another area man shared this with us: “I went for the first time last year (free tickets) and soon realized I was attending every other street fair/festival/community event that circuits around the Southwest. The kettle corn, the snow cones, the cheap plastic crap from China, inflatable castle with a bunch of fat kids jumping inside, the lame announcer, etc etc etc. Nothing original here, yet events like this attract the plebians like a gallon jar of pickles for $2.97.”
“Hey holmes, I’m going this year, ese! Ya’ll white people want to stay home then stay home. I’ll be there with my chick who is knocked up, and her 4 little kids from 3 different fathers. Aye, I’ll be there, sportin’ my tattoos I just got, and maybe get high before I go. Nice.”
And a proud Marine wife said “I, for one, will not be attending just to watch a bunch of thugletts throw gang signs at each other all night.”
“Yea, I’m going to Enchilada Fiesta with my 6 fat cousins and all you white people that wanna stay home stay home and get fat off your Twinkies while waiting for the “Renfair” cuz at least I’m gettin’ fat off of turkey legs, a huge Enchilada, y mi cerveza!!! EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! Aye aye!!!”
“The WEF is a gangster paradise. Scary for people who are not part of this culture. Beer tent or not there all lots of drunks and drug addicts there. Not worth risking your lives at this fiesta.”
Cabrón, winner of the Baddest Pit Bull contest
The highlight of the fiesta is when local chef-du-jour, Roberto Estrada - reformed road rage perpetrator - puts together the biggest fuckin’ enchilada in the WORLD! Layers and layers of sun-baked tomato sauce, uncooked curdled cheese, and ass-burnin’ chiles dumped on a big-ass tortilla. Then when the bell rings you rush to the plate and stuff your face! (Now you got to sign a disclosure statement promising not to sue Roberto for food poisoning, but it’s all good!) He got our name into that Guiness Book. That’s something we should all be proud of. Especially when last year we had some competition from those hippies at the Co-op, thinking they could make the world’s biggest organic salad. What a joke, yo! Nobody wanted to eat that green shit and they didn’t even have cheese or bacon.
It was a bit disappointing when they decided to cancel the secondary overflow beer tent, called Crawlin’ in Cruces. Some Mormons were like, “No”, so they just herded all the drinkers into one tent for an evening of frolicking festivity and we took advantage of the lack of space. It was phat! Around the 11th hour some cats started dancin’, but then these other mens were like, “You can’t be movin’ like that here”, and the cats kept movin’, and pretty soon the whole tent was rockin’ and shoutin’! I learned what respect was that night, and I’ll never forget it.
New License Plate Design Now Available
Public Service Announcement
The new license plates are currently being printed and stamped by hand by the winter-session inmates of the Tent City Correctional Facility located near downtown Phoenix.
Motorists will have the opportunity to purchase the new license plates starting next spring for a fee of $35. Motorists with 3 or more DUI arrests will be required to order the new license plate.
The majority of the $35 fee will go toward administration costs, printing, and to make monthly installment payments to the graphic artist. The few remaining dollars will accrue in “investment accounts” for 6-8 years until there are enough funds to do something meaningful for the community.
We were given the privilege of interviewing the designer, Thom Thomason, who is excited to see his work displayed on thousands of cars in a city hundreds of miles from where he lives.
“I took the design process very seriously, by taking the time to fully research the vibe and social issues that plague the Las Cruces community,” said Thomason.
The Artist stated he formed his ideas after Googling “pictures of Las Cruces” and asking a few strangers about the area on Internet message boards. Total design time was about four hours.
“My girlfriend’s brother lives in Albuquerque, so he knows all about Las Cruces,” added Thomason, “I learned a lot and I feel proud to be a part of the community.”
'Cruces Shopper: November '08
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
CATCH THE SKIDMARK and smell the roses! Available monthly at select Las Cruces locations and always online at www.lcskidmark.com
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
YOU WANT IT we got it. Give some to your friends or display it at your business and attract the coolest people in town! Fun! Free! Order some Skidmarks today by emailing bob@lcskidmark.com
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
UPDATE YOUR WWW to lcskidmark.com. We scrounged up the 9 bucks for our very own domain name. Bookmark it now.
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
ADORABLE PIT BULL available for adoption. Confiscated from latest animal hoarding episode. Mixed breed, snarls at anything that moves, good with children. Contact Animal Shelter at 555-5555
October 1, 2008
Team Skidmark is taking a break
We are proud to announce we blew our monthly budget on beer, pissing away the money needed to print October's Las Cruces Skidmark. Then we got lazy and decided not to do the online version either. Screw it.
We'll be back in November.
September 1, 2008
Condos To Grace Organ Mtn Ridge
Special Report: Economic Progress
Amateur Photoshop artist’s conception of the future Organ Mountain ridge
Condo fever is about to hit town.
We met with John Stickelmeyer, former director of the Downtown Development Team – which has since disbanded after successfully luring Walmart to completely restructure and occupy the entire downtown core. Stickelmeyer, now working as an independent covert liason consultant, was able to show us some architectural renderings of what’s in store for the Mesilla Valley.
“So we was brainstorming various ideas on managing growth...you know, I mean do we keep building out and out into the desert? We researched the megatropolis of Phoenix, which 50 years ago was about the size ‘Cruces is today, and decided it’s pretty much an overcrowded, dirty, volatile pressure cooker that is liable to explode in the near future. And it smells like shit, especially in the East Valley.” Stickelmeyer, drinking a glass of Kool-Aid, added, “We want ‘Cruces to be totally different than the other southwestern metros.”
Dutifully following the current construction trends of every other sizable American city, Las Cruces also plans to stimulate growth with the rapid erection of multi-story condominium towers. Due to the lack of a lively city center, the development will be breaking ground (rock) along the craggy ridge of the Organ Mountains using the city-owned Dildozer, providing future residents with extreme privacy, spectacular views of an endless desert wasteland, and occasional sneak-peeks at missile detonations and other war games at The Range.
Stickelmeyer has been meeting with the condo tycoons, who feel the construction of comically overpriced tenement towers for wealthy white people will create an economic boom for Las Cruces.
Coffee giant Starbucks has already secured locations along the side of the ridge, at both ends of the Sun Tunnel (which provides a direct route to the missile range), and plans to have smaller satellite stores peppered throughout each tower; McDonald’s plans to erect the largest Golden Arches in the world, visible from Deming to Alamogordo; and a new golf course is slated to raze over 800 acres of pristine desert and eventually deplete the East Mesa aquifer.
Project planners are debating how to handle the incessantly growing wall of graffiti defacing the lower west side of the range, nicknamed Tag Tor. Continued removal is pointless and expensive, so it may be promoted as a new “Art Park” with an ever-changing display of spray painted craftwork.
“The developers want to promote ad nauseum how earth-friendly the new community will be. You know, all that carbon footprint bullshit and how compacting residents into shoebox-size concrete bunkers 18 stories tall is going to save the world,” said Stickelmeyer.
Condo units (aka studio apartments) in the proposed Flatblock 18A-Linear North tower will start at $499,000 for a luxurious 200 sq. feet of living space. Monthly resident membership dues are expected to be around $500, which covers eco-friendly amenities such as use of the unicycle-powered elevator, access to the rooftop clotheslines and putt-putt range, Tunnel Tomb® car parking, and solar-powered tanning beds. A graywater swimming pool, located on the ground floor, will be perpetually replenished with residents’ filtered dirty dish water.
To maintain condo community standards, the developers will be targeting potential buyers within the following demographics:
- White
- Independently wealthy
- Drive Lexus RX 400h Hybrid
- Visit Starbucks at least twice daily
- Yoga every morning
- Buy organic produce at Toucan Market
Children, dogs (except poodles & chihuahuas), hanging wet towels on the balconies, and vehicles costing less than $40K will not permitted in the community.
For information on being among the privileged few to snap up a brand new condo or be lucky enough to get on a waiting list, look for the full page ads to appear in Las Cruces Sun News in coming months.
Study Hints Kids Now At Their Fattest
LAS CRUCES—The percentage of ‘Crucen children who are overweight or obese appears to have leveled off after a 25-year increase, according to new figures that offer a glimmer of hope in an otherwise dismal battle.
“This is a first encouraging finding in what has been unremittingly bad news,” said Dr. Fatblaster, director of the obesity clinic at the hospital. “But it’s too soon to know if this really means we’re beginning to make meaningful inroads into this epidemic. It may simply be a statistical fluke.”
Since 2003, roughly 32 percent of children were chubby but not blubby, 16 percent were blubby, and 11 percent were fucking fat, according to a study by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Those levels held steady after rising without interruption since 1980.
“We’ve really been mystified as to why so many kids are getting outrageously obese,” said the head chef at the Las Cruces Public Schools Culinary Kitchen, Rachel Ray. “The public school system is firmly committed to providing nutritious foodstuffs to all of our little angels and we ensure each and every meal contains a deep-fried meat product stuffed with cheese, a serving of vegetables smothered with cheese, fluffy white bread, a slice of cheesecake for those with a sweet tooth, and a pint of milk. We also offer a fruit-flavored beverage for children who do not like to drink the milk of another species.”
“We follow the government’s recommended food pyramid to a tee,” added Ray, “so we’re truly bewildered with the abundance of all these little gundyguts waddling around.”
Some people say that if the cellulite climax is real, it could be because some parents and children have discovered “alternative” eating habits and are engaging in an activity called “exercise.”
Che Gordo inhaling his final McDonald’s Happy Meal.
Gordo decided to change the way her family eats by simply eliminating all dairy foods, avoiding products that contain high-fructose corn syrup (a cheap, nutritionless sweetener used excessively in place of sugar), and serving normal-size portions during meal times. She states finding foods that do not contain some form of cow’s milk was “nearly impossible,” so was forced to buy items in their natural state and prepare her own food, as people have for eons.
“I started looking at labels on food packages,” said Gordo. “Dry cereals, crackers, bread, and even non-dairy coffee creamer – all that shit has milk in it. They call it ‘casein’ in the ingredient list.”
Gordo adds that in the two weeks since banning dairy products in her family’s diet, Che has lost 12 pounds and his perpetually snotty nose has stopped running. The family also utilizes the multi-use path along the Rio Grande four evenings a week, where they can walk, run, and ride bikes without dealing with asshole motorists. The Gordos have also ceased viewing any television programming that is sponsored by corporate advertising.
“TV is nothing but ads for cheap-quality crap and junk food, so we just pulled the plug and started reading books from the library and playing trivia online,” said Gordo. “Che was excited after he discovered Wikipedia and began editing various articles.”
The full impact of the childhood epidemic will continue to mount in coming years, because it can take many years for obesity-related complications to translate into life-threatening events, including heart attacks and kidney failure. Additionally, most fat kids start breeding more of their own kind before their 20th birthdays so they can get into the welfare system as soon as possible.
Dr. Fatblaster says “Las Cruces should be congratulated” if the rates have in fact peaked, because up until now Southern New Mexico has produced the fattest kids in the America, and such as, in addition to leading the herd with the most teenage pregnancies, a phenomenon he calls “Stupid Babies Having Stupider Babies.”
“There is a small group of people going against the grain and back to basics,” Fatblaster said. “Some rogue schools are even getting all wild and crazy by providing better meals with fresh, low-fat foods and increasing physical education.”
He noted that he recently treated a young fatty “who in three days did not have a single piece of fresh fruit.” He states she was stunned to learn that her breakfast of Wild Wacky Fruity Loco Puffs, Rockin’ Razzleberry Toaster Tarts, and a quart of Tang orange-flavor drink did not actually contain any fruit.
“We still have a long way to go,” he said. “If parents completely eliminated dairy products from their children’s diets for a 30-day trial, they’d be amazed at how quickly the blubber burns off and resolves a number of health problems, such as asthma, respiratory mucus, and even death (SIDS).
Homeland Security: All Your Laptops Are Belong To Us
The Washington Post reports: Federal agents may take a traveler’s laptop or other electronic device to an off-site location for an unspecified period of time without any suspicion of wrongdoing, as part of border search policies the Department of Homeland Security recently disclosed.
Also, officials may share copies of the laptop’s contents with other agencies and private entities for language translation, data decryption, or other reasons, according to the policies, dated July 16 and issued by two DHS agencies, U.S. Customs and Border Protection and U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
The DHS claims it’s protecting against terrorist, drug smugglers, people sneaking kiddie porn into the country, and people violating copyright and trademark laws. Questions: Is this behavior by bad guys common? Common enough to warrant the expenditure of work, tax dollars, and infringement on people’s privacy that these measures call for? And how are the border guards going to recognize trademark and copyright infringement when they see it? How are they going to distinguish a stash of legally ripped MP3s from pirated music? What kind of training do the border guards get in intellectual property law?
In the name of protecting America, the TSA has demonstrated a lack of respect for the privacy, property, and dignity of Americans, with recent behavior including taking out nipple rings, pantsing amputees, and confiscating a homemade battery that looked like a bomb – then bragging about it. The DHS simply cannot be trusted with the authority to confiscate electronics anywhere, at any time, for any reason, at any border crossing in America.
Community Wins Uncoveted “Worst Of The Web” Award
Websites were judged based on pre-Web 2.0 criteria including scrolling marquees, animated GIFs, beveled text effects, automatic music that can’t be turned off, and web pages laid out entirely in Microsoft Word.
“We let the people decide,” said PHP programmer Clive Pompousass, “and the consensus was Las Cruces had the most tacky websites per capita.”
Pompousass stated the tie-breaker was the abundance of grainy and blurry pictures of the Organ Mountains used as header images, particularly on real estate websites.
“We calculated over 89% of Las Cruces area websites were in violation of W3C validation standards, used inline styles and the deprecated font tag, and did not render properly on modern browsers. Additionally, a large number of business sites were created with ‘AOL Geocities Easy Builder Website Tonight’ and had dated information on their homepage from several years ago.”
The WWC suggests if a company can’t handle keeping their site current and giving it a fresh look, it’s better to just get it offline and spare potential visitors the agony.
Future 40-year old virgin, Daniel Norton.
1-800-PIT-BULL
Public Service Announcement
- Lack of owner interactivity with the pit bull, other than yelling at it to "sic 'em" or "shut the fuck up"
- Enclosed in a derelict dirt backyard full of broken junk with virtually no shade or shelter
- Seeing the pit bull stranded on a small patch of higher ground as the summer monsoons turn its enclosure into a mud pit
- Missing an eye
- Barking incessantly for 2-3 hours every night for no reason whatsoever
- Snarling at anyone who comes within 100 feet of its territory, including next-door neighbors prevented from enjoying their own backyards
- Chained to a gas pipe or dead tree
Until the new hotline goes into effect, concerned residents are urged to report abused pit bulls and other less prevalent dogs to the City Animal Control Department at 526-0795 or 528-4100.
Throb: Good Grub, Stupid Prices, Sucky Service
See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!
G-Fresh, Throb Columnist
The IDC is a nice place. Almost “too nice” for ‘Cruces, if ya know what I mean. The furnishings aren’t made of plastic and they have fancy Egyptian mummy stuff decorating the walls. I was mesmerized by a big wide screen TV above the counter until I looked around and realized the TV was just showing still shots of the restaurant itself. Vain!
I said NO yogurt sauce.
For purposes of this review, I ordered the same thing as always: a falafel wrap for $4.79. I took a gamble and asked the cashier (hot young chick, like all the workers there) if she could replace the squirt of yogurt sauce for a smear of hummus. “Um, that’s like an extra dollar,” said the girl. And I was like, “Dayam!” So I said forget it and told her to make it without the yogurt. I also ordered their large bowl of lentil soup for $3.59 cuz they don’t have a smaller cup for cheap. You can’t go wrong with soup, right?
I was hungover from last night, so I also ordered a cuppa for $1.59. I got a mug 3/4 full with coffee grounds floating all over the top and I was like “WTF?” She said they just ran out of coffee and if I want she can add a shot of espresso to fill it up. I was like, no, and I asked for a splash of soy milk instead of dairy creamer. “Um, it’s an extra dollar,” she said. I snorted smugly, just shaking my head over such a retail robbery, and decided to drink my gritty coffee black. They don’t have free refills on the coffee, so if you want a little bit more you just have to buy another cup.
Dogs at restaurants suck.
VERDICT: My falafel wrap was drenched with yogurt sauce, as unrequested. This is like the sixth time now. I complained about it before and once they offered to make me a new wrap, but I don’t play like that because then the kitchen staff puts stuff on the new food. So I took the whole thing apart and scraped off all the creamy crap and quickly threw it in the fountain. The falafel balls were pretty tasty, but the lettuce was limp; all I could think about was the diarrhea that would probably rush through me in a couple of hours (it did). The “large bowl” of lentil soup I ordered reminded me of the time I went to that Phish concert and the only beer for sale was Miller Light in “Super Jumbo” size cups for $5, but they were just regular 12 ounce cups filled with piss-poor beer. False advertising, dudes. The soup was foshizzle fine, but then again I ain’t never had a bad bowl of soup in my life cuz I don’t think it’s possible to fuck up soup.
When I got home, I checked out their website as part of my field research. It’s one of very few websites in ‘Cruces that don’t look like total crap, but it was full of mistakes. First off, all the food prices were like two years old and each about a buck less than what I had just paid. I figured that’s just a result of Mañana Mood, and they’ll update the 411 when they feel like it. But then I saw all these spelling errors – chiken, babaghanoudj, estern, mronig, lattuce, cambo, cofee – and I was like “no ways!” Workin’ in the publication biz I catch these bombs all the time and it makes a writer look pretty retarded when they don’t use the spell chekc.
WHERE: Las Cruces, New Mexico
WHEN: Mon 9:15am-6:10pm, Tues 8am-1:40am, Wed Noon-Midnight, Thurs CLOSED, Fri-Sun 23 HOURS. Closed on Groundhog Day.
WHY: Only place in town that don’t serve hamburgers or burritos
'Cruces Shopper: September '08
FUN PARTY LIFE at Casa Pendejo Apartments. Close to NMSU and Starbucks. Wake up at 7:55 and make it to your 8AM class! Resident convenience store with pharmacy, private hot tub rental, discotheque. All units come with front & back door. No deposit for students or Section-8. 555-5555
CATCH THE SKIDMARK and smell the roses! Available monthly at select Las Cruces locations and always online at www.lcskidmark.com
NUTS ARE COMING and you know you want them! World-famous “Poocans” grown right here in LC beside sewage filtration plant. All natural, all organic, special nutty flavor. Packed in toilet shaped tin, great gift idea! Visit www.freshlcpoocans.com to order.
CHEAP BEER BOTTLES for sale. Collector items, all brands, mostly Bud. Several hundred, empty. Build a sparkling pyramid or glass wall. No recycling, can’t bear to send them to landfill. Billy Bob 555-5555
YOU WANT IT we got it. Give some to your friends or display it at your business and attract the coolest people in town! Fun! Free! Order some Skidmarks today by emailing bob@lcskidmark.com
SUPER DVD SALE at the library. Scratched, scuffed, might play, might not. $5 each, help support the literary community
NEED FAT GUYS to beat the crap out of people at local concerts. Must be huge and intimidating, no education required. Contact Trendy Tune Promotions and start kicking ass tonight! 555-5555
YOUNG CHIHUAHUA FEEDERS perfect for training attack dogs. Cheap. Call Mula 555-5555
BIG BLACK PENIS truck for sale. Lifted, decked, 6 wheels, super-duty V-12 hemi turbo, 8mpg, flames painted on sides. Tight. Got fired, can’t afford gas. Call Butch 555-5555
ADOPT A SIDEWALK Community Action Group now forming to take back public walkways and make them nice. Sign up for your block and make it passable once again. www.savelcsidewalks.com
ADORABLE SWEET CHEEKS DIAPER CAKE (MADE FROM DIAPERS) FOR BABY SHOWER CENTERPIECE OR GIFT GIVING!! I CAN DESIGN ANY THEME, SIZE OR COLOR COMBINATIONS. SIMPLE OR EXTREMELY ELEGANT! CALL NOT-MARTHA 555-5555
UPDATE YOUR WWW to lcskidmark.com. We scrounged up the 9 bucks for our very own domain name. Bookmark it now.
RIO GRANDE WATER Fresh, delicious water in convenient 2 oz. “One Sip” disposable bottles. Perfect for home or work, save the hassle of filling a glass from the faucet. Water sourced and filtered upstream from sewage sludge release. A buck a bottle, visit www.riograndewatersuckers.org
BEAT THE SYSTEM Free seminar teaches you how to embezzle funds, host dog fighting competitions, get multiple DUIs, falsely receive welfare benefits, and much more WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE! Everyone else is doing it, let us show you how. Contact Las Cruces Chamber of Crime 555-5555
ORDER A CONDO and live even higher than the people “down there” on The Hill. Custom condos with an Organ Mountain address. Hot! Visit www.overpricedshoeboxcondos.com for info.
TOUGH GIRL WANTED to be my bitch. You got tats, rings, plugs, sweet ride, smart lip? Cool, me too. Let’s hook up and be domestically violent together. Call Darren 555-5555
NEW ENGLISH CLASSES Learn the new speak so u can sound as dumb as the rest. A must 4 teachers. Immerse urself in Texting Internet Slang. 555-5555
June 1, 2008
Put On The Glasses! Put On The Glasses!
SPECIAL REPORT:
Editorial & Voting Guide
By Fnord Manfredgensinson,
Covert Assignment Reporter
Ever get the feeling that there’s something rotten in America? Maybe you don’t feel as free as you’re supposed to be? Perhaps you’ve noticed the American Dream is only something people on TV are living? If that’s you, then you need to put on the glasses.Editorial & Voting Guide
By Fnord Manfredgensinson,
Covert Assignment Reporter
It’s election time. There’s a lot of people who want you to know they care about you. They want to do a whole bunch for you, too, if you do something for them. If you vote for any particular individual they will make sure, for example, to keep the queers from getting married. They’ll make sure you are safe at night. They’ll make sure that the Evil Empires on this earth are kept at bay. Then, when you’re not looking, they’ll cut taxes for their wealthy friends; give themselves raises; drive the US dollar into the ground; stand by while corporations embezzle your pensions; ship your jobs overseas; privatize the military; and suspend your natural rights as people one-by-one until one day we citizens no longer own the country but are owned by our country.
Kind of sounds un-American of our elected representatives, right? If you feel that way about their behavior, you’re on to something. And if you don’t feel that way, just ask yourself: how much could you possibly have in common with a handful of millionaire, high-society, inbred, ivy league, old-money campaign financed know-it-alls? And how much could they possibly have in common with you?
The real Hillary Clinton through the looking glasses. We’d do Monica too!
Think that’s un-American?
A couple of days ago The Skidmark team made an important discovery.
An anonymous source gave us a box of what appear to be normal cheapo spectacles. Our source said he found them in the dumpster behind Las Cruces Biologicals while he was looking for a gift for his sick aunt. While most of them went for sale on e-bay, he generously donated the few that remained to The Skidmark in exchange for a case of Monster Energy Drink and a carton of Red Apples. What began as joke to us – wearing them about the office while we laughed about helping a stinking homeless construction worker with a very aggressive mullet – soon became a life changing event. We realized he had discovered something big. It’s our duty to report the truth, and the best way we can bring you the truth is for you to put on the glasses! Wear them and see for yourself.
Here’s Johnny! Old John “Rugburn” McCain: wants eternal war über alles!
We believe they are aliens. They Live, among us, unknown to us. We work alongside them and go to school with them. They often portray and uphold a higher status than we do. They tell us how we ought to behave, what to buy, and who to believe. They constantly revise the truths we are told and repeat these messages over and over on the news. They control our thoughts by repeating lies until we believe them. They use tactics, ignoring important events and issues while they flood us with trivial thoughts and glamour. They condescend to act in our best interests when they want something from us: money, votes, approval, or sheepish indifference.
A snapshot of typical water-cooler behavior of the Alien scum. Note the casual manner in which they greet others like them.
The messages they send us in our daily news are all advertisements. The news is there to tell us to “buy more stuff” or “look at what your neighbor owns”. They pit us against one another based on our beliefs, cares, and religious or political preferences. They encourage us to fear others of different skin colors, nationalities, upbringings, or spoken languages. They treat us like morons. But when it’s time to pay taxes we’re all the same. And when things are really bad they often give us a little present to give back to them, like an economic stimulus check. Then we’re supposed to go shopping and forget how messed up the world is. But it’s not messed up. Everything is really just fine and dandy. We no longer have to think or worry because there are people to do it for us. Good people who have their best interests at heart for us little people. And the good news is we can vote for our favorite alien in just a few months!
Now, in case you were too busy watching Survivor or American Idol for the last eight years – if anyone tells you that an election can be stolen they’re just sore losers. Computers today are totally perfect and too smart to let that happen. So when you vote this time you can bet that it will count.
Just remember that at The Skidmark, we don’t care who you vote for or why. We just want you to be as confused and angry as possible when you do. We recommend you vote for the person who wants to kill the most people if they “have to”, or vote for the person with the most ties to corporations so they can make billions and you can make an extra buck-o-five in stock dividends.
Try to vote for anyone who wants to reinstate the draft so your kids will serve their country and have a future, while the neighbor’s kids will get blown to bits before they are old enough to drink a beer. Remember, nothing will happen to your kids because no one will let that happen – not even the president. Remember: freedom is worth fighting for, but no one should have the choice whether they should fight or not. The only best way to serve our country is to fight someone else for it. If we keep having the choice to serve in the military, then we won’t have any freedom left to fight for.
We also recommend you vote for the person who wants to spend the most money on rebuilding the infrastructure of a foreign country, that, if you’re lucky, you’ll never set foot on because it’s way too dangerous and full of poor people whose sole purpose in life is to blow it all up without so much as a thank you. This is actually very smart of our representatives, because they know all that cement they lay is going to trickle down back to our Homeland and fix our roads and bridges – that way we won’t have to do the work and we’ll save money. Besides, those people are too poor for maps. If we didn’t rebuild everything they wouldn’t know where the new Walmart was.
We also recommend you vote for the person who wants to fight the most countries at one time while they take away our right to own guns because they might fall into the wrong hands.
We encourage you to vote for the person who will cut the most pork out of the budget, specifically cutting money for stuff to help poor or stupid people get any learning from. We all know they should spend that money on jails where poor and stupid people belong in the first place, so that the people who have money for the art and books and stuff will be our children who get them from their college bookstores or high school libraries. We also need to save money for the really important things like high school athletic equipment. Then all students will have a chance to get college scholarships so they won’t have to go to jail. We should stop spending money on any social services, welfare, or health care because people just take advantage of it. Just imagine: if we all had universal health care we paid for out of our taxable incomes, we’d totally take advantage of it.
When you vote, think of which alien you most want to see burning in hell and then vote for the other candidate. This helps because voting is confusing and there’s just so much information to remember. So many issues! Vote for the prettiest candidate, too, or the one who says the fewest big words. You can bet they’re more honest. Voting for the candidate you would most like to be is another way you can cut through the red tape. If the computerized voting machine seems too intimidating in its sheer perfection or there are just too many buttons, get someone to help you or even vote for you. All you have to do is stand aside while they punch the buttons.
And don’t forget, voting day is always every four years on Wednesday. Sure there are people who go on Tuesday, but it’s just a training exercise--like a test run. You wouldn’t want to show up to vote on a broken machine, would you? Vote on Wednesday when your vote will count!
Envision the totalitarian state of the America! Fuck yeah!
City Adopts Color Coded Trash Bins
Stemming from a flood of complaints from three area residents, the City’s solid waste department is planning to unfold a brand new refuse collection program based on the successful color-coded label system used by several environmentally conscious communites around the United States. The program will be the first of its kind in Southern New Mexico.
Local woman Moonshine Freespirit was fed up paying for a service she did not use. “I was getting billed fifteen bucks a month for garbage I don’t have; it takes my household at least 8 weeks to fill up that big 96-gallon trash container. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’m getting ripped off – especially when I see all my neighbors with overflowing trash cans full of greasy pizza boxes, broken toys, and beer cans week after fucking week paying the same fee.”
Freespirit is referring to the City’s mandatory rule which requires residential properties within the city limits to pay a monthly fee for refuse collection. The current fee is $15.82 per month and includes weekly pickup of the 96-gallon trash containers, plus a biweekly Grappler “Takin’ It To The Street” pickup for bulky items that will not fit into the container, like stained mattresses and sun-warped plastic lawn toys.
Moonshine and her life partner, Honeymead Porter, decided to do something about it. Both hailing from Colorado Springs, they recalled the trash pickup system instituted there in 2002 after the city was unable to keep up with the massive amounts of garbage generated by its exploding population, particularly the huge emigration of Californian Cash-outs.
“They set up a three-tiered system based on how much waste people produce and charging them accordingly. By sticking the appropriate colored decal on your curbside bin, the garbage man could see instantly which bins to pick up on his route.”
Moonshine explained that households who ordered once- or twice-weekly trash pickup received American flag decals to express their patriotism; bi-weekly customers received plain red decals; those who opted for the monthly pickup received green decals of a tree with a smiley face; and fees were set at a simple $10 per pickup, paid on a monthly basis. The City of Las Cruces plans to copy this concept.
Said Porter, “Some people in Colorado Springs were so environmentally conscious they didn’t even have enough trash to justify a monthly pickup, so the city let them opt out of refuse collection entirely. I knew one guy who went to the county landfill with a Hefty bag just twice a year because he recycled or reused nearly all of his waste materials like glass jars and paperboard, and he didn’t buy plastic crap from China at the dollar store that broke after one use. All that shit just gets buried forever, ya know?”
Just north of Tucson, Arizona, the city of Marana has adopted a similar program to manage garbage.
“A majority of our residents are young families with at least one SUV parked in the driveway and soccer-playing children. For these residents, a weekly pickup of 96 gallons of garbage just wasn’t enough. People were complaining because coyotes were tearing into all the extra garbage bags stacked around the trash containers and scattering feces-smeared disposable diapers around the neighborhood,” said Marana Solid Waste spokesperson Frito Pendejo.
“A small percentage of our residents signed up for the colored decal system, but in addition to that we offered families the option to lease dumpsters for a weekly fee of $100. If they want to generate more waste in one week than someone in, say, Japan, generates in an entire year, then they should pay for its burial. Residents initially balked at the cost, but it’s working. Residents are now competing with each other to overfill their dumpsters as a display of wealth. Everyone is happy and some homes have even painted their dumpsters with Southwest icons like kokopelli and cactus to make them more attractive. It’s all about having freedom in this great land of ours.”
Freespirit and Porter presented the concept at a recent City Council meeting, which was unanimously approved after surveying trash output around Las Cruces on garbage pickup day and crunching some numbers. City representative Hank Hangman explained the quick decision. “Roughly 94% of residences we surveyed had garbage spilling out of their 96-gallon bins, absolutely filled to capacity in only seven days. Now, we could keep encouraging residents to bring their recyclable items to the bins at Walmart, but it’s like beating a dead horse. We rifled through a number of random trash containers and found that an average of 76% of the refuse consisted of Budweiser beer cans and plastic soda bottles, both of which are accepted at recycling centers around Las Cruces. What this means is most people prefer to throw everything in the garbage, and we want to accommodate that. For a fee.”
Las Cruces has no plans to offer residential dumpster service yet, but states it has been penciled in on the Vision 2040 plan for the next 35 years as the quality of manufactured goods made in China continues to decline and enters the waste stream more quickly.
All residents who currently have solid waste pickup services from the City will receive more information about the new color-coding program with their next monthly bill.
Local Woman Sued For Drying Laundry
Buffy Fairweather is trying to go green.
No.
“I came to realize it made absolutely no sense to put my laundry into the clothes dryer when nature could do it for free,” says Buffy. “I stopped buying that ‘Clothesline Fresh’ fabric softener because I was getting the same result by actually hanging my laundry out to dry on a clothesline. For free.”
Buffy is referring to a recent discovery that proves wet clothing will dry – and dry quickly – if left to hang outside for about an hour, and it costs nothing. The craze has been sweeping the nation and clotheslines have been popping up from coast to coast, including the Southern New Mexico region. People in colder climates have found that utilizing indoor clothes racks or hanging wet clothes on hangers seems to work just as well.
Unfortunately, Buffy currently rents a house in the Picacho Peak subdivision and the Homeowner’s Association does not share her enthusiasm for trying to protect the environment.
Think of the children.
“We also had a few complaints from concerned parents who didn’t think it was safe for their children to see Mr. Fairweather’s boxer shorts hanging outside for the world to see. We decided it was in the best interest of the children in our community to protect them from such vile experiences and are taking legal action against Ms. Fairweather to rectify the situation.”
Two weeks ago, Buffy received a subpoena from the Picacho Peak Homeowner’s Association (PPH-ASS) informing her that she has been slapped with a lawsuit for failure to comply with the strict HOA rules. The lawsuit is seeking a total of $10,000; $2,028 of that is for the Fairweather’s annual cost for the honor of living in PPH-ASS, and the remainder is to cover predicted expenses involving the forceful eviction of the Fairweather family.
“In Section 88, Clause 982 of our Rules & Covenants manifesto it clearly states that residents may not display unsightly items on their property, and that includes laundry on a clothesline,” said PPH-ASS. “In an effort to make everyone happy and to create a fake community such as Pleasantville or Stepford, we also forbid the presence of recycling bins, uncoordinated mini-blinds and draperies visible from the street, and vegetable gardens.”
Buffy states she had no idea of the bullshit she now has to deal with. “We just rent this place, we don’t own it. Our landlord lives in Santa Fe and we’ve never actually met him. We just send him a rent check every month and it’s cool. We only wash clothes that that are visibly dirty or stinky, so we only do laundry about once a month. Now we’re being criminalized for going green. Fuck that.”
Buffy says she plans to fight the charges in court and urge PPH-ASS to allow more freedom to its residents. If she loses the case and is evicted, she intends to steal several golf carts from the country club and sell them for cash to cover her moving expenses.
“It’s OK To Believe In Aliens, Young Jedi”
VATICAN CITY - The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, was quoted as saying the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.
“How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?” Funes said. “Just as we consider earthly creatures as ‘a brother,’ and ‘sister,’ why should we not talk about an ‘extraterrestrial brother’? It would still be part of creation.”
“The extraterrestrial is my brother”
“The extraterrestrial is my brother”
The Bible “is not a science book,” Funes said, adding that he believes the Big Bang theory is the most “reasonable” explanation for the creation of the universe. The theory says the universe began billions of years ago in the explosion of a single, super-dense point that contained all matter. But he said he continues to believe that “God is the creator of the universe and that we are not the result of chance.”
“The church has somehow recognized its mistakes,” he said. “Maybe it could have done it better, but now it’s time to heal those wounds and this can be done through calm dialogue and collaboration.”
Rev. Jose Gabriel “Cacafuego” Fumar (pictured right), breaks it down like this: “Look; we’ve spent all this time and money trying to get through to you people, and gain control once more from the Rebel Alliance, The Protestants, The Enlightenment, and especially the America and such as. Hello! We’re still wrapping up the Crusades. That’s why we think it’s high time that y’all embrace your fear and hate and come over to the Dark Side. Of course there are aliens. Just look at my brother; he’s broke, don’t do shit. What do I got to do to get through to y’all? Shoot lightening bolts through you from my fingers and ass? We aliens are among you. Where do you think velcro came from? It’s time for you to submit or reap the whirlwind, mindless American sheeple. And don’t forget to vote.”
Roundabout Planned For Valley/Main Intersection
Architectural rendering of the proposed Valley/Main/I-10 clusterfuck
“Yeah, ya know most people call this intersection the ‘five pointed star of death’ and we realize it’s tricky. There’s a lot of traffic passing between Valley and Main, and the streets don’t cross at right angles, so drivers get confused. Then there’s the truckers exiting the Interstate looking for a hamburger or someplace to take a shower and meet some ladies,” said Tom Mañana, Lead Traffic Engineer Consultant.
A classmate of Mañana’s daughter, who attends NMSU, spent 3 months in Great Britain this past spring and told the Mañana family all about her travels and how people live across the pond.
“Yeah, she was saying how many of the urban crossroads have these ‘roundabouts’ and they don’t need no traffic lights because the cars just keep moving in a circular flow. It seems weird to not have any redlights at an intersection, but she swears it worked, and worked well.”
The city held a public meeting to hear how the community felt about such a drastic change to the roadways, knowing that most Americans are quite resistant to change. Only three people showed up, but their input was invaluable and swayed City Council to begin drafting plans for the city’s first roundabout.
“We’re going to save a buttload of money on the operating expenses of electronic traffic signals, and motorists are going to notice a big difference in the fuel efficiency of their vehicles by not idling at a redlight forever. We also predict a drop in road-rage incidents as a result of the constant flow of traffic versus people parked in their cars side-by-side giving each other dirty looks and flashing gang signals. They simply won’t have the opportunity to fight.”
The City plans to make the circular traffic lanes double-wide to accommodate the number of oversized trucks and SUVs common in the region, as well as to provide enough space for mobile-home transports. Construction is expected to begin in August, and if successful will begin conversion on other high-traffic intersections to roundabouts.
Kia To Introduce New Zia
Korean car manufacturer Kia Motors has announced plans to unveil their latest concept car, designed specifically for New Mexico.
Concept model of the new Kia Zia
On their website, Kia states the new Zias will come standard with a number of safety features and amenities customized for New Mexico residents and will be priced so that even a never-married single woman with four children will be able to afford a brand new car.
Kia Motors ordered numerous demographical statistics charts to get a good idea of the type of vehicle that would most benefit area motorists. Kia executives were perplexed, shocked, and even humored at test results, but proceeded with manufacturing anyway.
In addition to the regional amenity features, Kia states the Zias will be equipped with the best quality components for safety and durability.
Ki-duk Kim, Kia Motors spokesperson, stated, “We make Kia Zia strong. We make it good. We get good price on parts from friends next door in China, then we make best car for world people. Built to last, but don’t drive too fast!”
The Zias will also come standard with a top speed of 86 miles per hour to conserve fuel and to deter people from using the cheap cars as getaway vehicles. Kia states if 88mph is achieved, the Zia will vanish into thin air, leaving behind two flaming skidmarks. The first models will be made available in two styles, Biggie Size Road Monster and Cool Low Rider.
If you are interested in purchasing the new Kia Zia, please visit your local Kia dealership later this year.
STANDARD FEATURES OF NEW KIA ZIA
- Bright safety orange exterior paint for visibility during dust storms and convenience store robberies
- Oversized spoiler mounted on rear of vehicle for aerodynamic and aesthetic purposes
- Integrated child safety harnesses in every seat to accommodate a minimum of four babies; optional upgrade to harness more children
- Explosively loud stereo system with huge speakers built into every door with complimentary CD of “Ridin’ Dirty”; optional upgrade of massive subwoofer system in rear cargo area
- Integrated ignition Breathalizer system to prevent vehicle from starting if driver is drunk; optional wireless transmission to nearest police cruiser for successful drunk starts
- Fart muffler with Full ReleaseTM
- Fake testicles hanging from the rear bumper to show driver’s “toughness” (a theft prevention device)
- Center console gun case with fingerprint-activated lockbox
- License plate privacy shades
- Under-seat beverage cooler with a capacity of six “soda” cans
- Blue or green ground FX and turbo hydraulic lift kit on 7” chrome-plated spinners
- Custom body damage on your choice of front or rear fender
- Fuel system designed to run on canned corn with fully automated can insertion vacuum tube
Showcase del Barrio
Featured Home: The Compound
One man’s trash is this couple’s trailer treasure
One man’s trash is this couple’s trailer treasure
The Ybarra’s original trailer, wrapped in used tire scraps and retrofitted with shipping containers.
Dick and Mary Jane Ybarra have resided in the park since 1974, when they purchased Lot #23 and installed a modest mobile home. That same year, the Ybarra’s started their own business, Art Farts, one of Las Cruces’ first art studios and galleries. The studio struggled for many years until about 1999, around the time the California refugee mass-migration began.
“Suddenly business really picked up and we almost couldn’t keep up with the demand for our brightly colored handicrafts. At one time, we were even buying crap from the Salvation Army and scavenging dumpsters for unique items, then Mary Jane would just splatter them with bright paint and put an Art Farts sticker on the bottom,” explains Dick.
“We found a bunch of broken televisions for free at a rummage sale once, splattered them with pink paint, filled them with dirt and a small cactus, and sold them as decorative garden planters for 89 bucks. It’s all about the power of art,” added Mary Jane, rolling her eyes.
The Ybarras get refreshed in the Las Aguas del Marrón community pool.
The couple purchased the adjacent lots, forming a triple-wide space, and began digging. To save money, they initially hired a crew of Mexican laborers to dig the holes with shovels, but hit a thick layer of caliche and were forced to change their plans.
Dick developed what he called “water bombs”, pouring a mixture of gunpowder and starting fluid into holes drilled in the caliche, flooding the pits with gasoline-laced water, and igniting it.
“We did this early on a Sunday morning when most people are still passed out from the night before and the city offices are closed. There was a series of loud booms and a few fireballs, but it worked and nobody even noticed.” Dick and his crew then cleared away the piles of hard earth with shovels and buckets and dumped it into the nearby irrigation canal. Dick, the grandson of an ex-communicated Amish farmer, says he has an aversion to machines and technology, and prefers to do everything by hand.
With the trenches dug, the Ybarras began their search for the least expensive housing options they could find. After attending a train yard liquidation auction in El Paso, they came home with four old shipping containers destined for the junkyard.
Building up. Making maximum use of the triple-wide lot.
The shipping containers were placed beside the Ybarra’s original trailer and elevated on cinderblocks and old logs. Dick fused the containers and the trailer into one connected unit with a blowtorch and pieces of re-bar found in a trash pile at the rear of the trailer park. Mary Jane began planning the interior decor.
“We wanted to do something completely different that didn’t involve everyday things like walls, ceilings, and doors. And we wanted to have enough room for Dick’s giant stuffed teddy bear.”
An old school bus, buried undergroud, provides a cool refuge on hot summer days.
Mary Jane, who cooks for a hobby but doesn’t actually eat, wanted her new kitchen to be something special. She collaborated with one of the volunteers at ReStore to help her decide on which countertop to get.
“This nice young man named Ralph worked with me on my decision. I knew exactly what I wanted, but they only had two countertops in stock that day and one of them was covered with cigarette burns, so I went with the yellow Formica one.”
Dick spends a quiet moment in his Man-Room, basking in the glow of his illuminative creation, “999 Lamps.”
The Ybarras, who refuse to buy anything new, have outfitted their entire home with used furnishings and found objects.
“We weren’t really sure what kind of look we were after, but after collecting a series of couches from the dumpster behind the Salvation Army and getting smokin’ deals on original velvet paintings down in Palomas, we realized we were going for the 1979 look,” said Mary Jane. “Entering our home is like stepping into a time warp. It’s fun!”
Most of their furnishings have cost less than $25, with the exception of Dick’s gigantic 8-foot tall pink teddy bear, purchased from an artist in Bisbee, Arizona for $500.
“I love the color pink and I love bears – I just had to get it.”
Last year, the couple were able to expand their living quarters into eight additional trailers that were at risk of being hauled away to the scrap yard. Several of the Ybarra’s neighbors had moved out of Las Aguas and into tract housing near the Picacho Peak Country Club, leaving their trailers behind. Dick bought the old trailers for a song. Unable to build a pulley system strong enough to lift the trailers, he hired a local man with an industrial-size forklift to stack the trailers on top of one another. They intend to fill the trailers with more broken furniture and assorted useless junk, eventually turning it into art. Trailer #2 has already become a sort of safehouse for bulky avocado green kitchen appliances. Dick plans to refurbish the stoves and refrigerators, and repaint them with silver chrome spray paint for that modern titanium look.
Mary Jane tends to a member of the Ybarra cactus patch, Phallus Pokeus.
“I like to grow food-bearing plants as a hobby,” says Mary Jane, “but I’d never actually eat them. It’s just a hobby. This stuff might have bugs and dirt and stuff on it – I don’t want to get sick or nothing, so I get all my vegetables at Albertson’s.”
Mary Jane’s vision for her cactus garden came to her one day after receiving an email from a friend containing several pictures of plants that look like human genitalia.
“I was laughin’ my ass off when I seen these pictures on the Innernet. There was this tree that totally looked like a nekkid lady spreading her legs, and then I saw this bulbous carrot that looked like a you-know-what!”
It was that deformed carrot that inspired Mary Jane to attempt a similar feat, but with assorted cactus plants. It’s been a project that has taken many years, but the slow-growth of a particular barrel cactus has rewarded her with her prized creation, Phallus Pokeus. Mary Jane is considering entering the cactus patch into this year’s Tour of Gardens, but remains apprehensive because it isn’t like a normal backyard.
The famous “Penis Fountain”, hand-sculpted by Mary Jane.
“It’s about sustainability and being green. We reuse everything and waste nothing,” said Mary Jane proudly as she pointed to her hand-strung pigeon bone bracelet.
The Ybarras are planning to open their compound to the public on the third Saturday of every other month and offer $5 tours around the lot.
“We want the opportunity to share our simply superior lifestyle with friends and neighbors, and to educate people about creating a private paradise from a pile of junk. In 50 years there won’t be any oil left to fuel all these big trucks. Now’s the time to start stacking all these surplus trailers.”
Throb: Busted At The SNM Wine Fest
See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!
G-Fresh, Throb Columnist
Drunk as hell but no throwin’ up
Half way home and my pager still blowin’ up
Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K.
I got to say it was a good day
Half way home and my pager still blowin’ up
Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K.
I got to say it was a good day
Yo peeps, G-Fresh kickin’ it here after a wild weekend sippin’ on some Sauvignon and chillin’ with Chardonnay until I got all caught up in a Blue Light Special on I-10. I praise Big Poppa and the collaborative efforts of my media connects for backing me up and gettin’ me out of some deep shit. Here’s how it all went down – and kids, don’t try this at home! Or along an Interstate.
So bein’ the Arts & Culture Soulja that I am, I was asked by our very own Bob Loblaw to attend the 18th Annual Southern New Mexico Wine Festival, courtesy of The Skidmark. Free wine, greasy grilled turkey legs, and use of our company vehicle (a modified hearse) to haul my azz out there – ‘shit yeah’, I said, and headed out there Saturday afternoon with my cousin, Rufus.
After we passed the prison, we were there. We had a minor incident at the admission gate where I argued that Rufus should not have to pay the full $13 admission because, as a Mormon and my ride home, he don’t drink. I showed them our press passes, but they said he has to pay anyway, so I said ‘sheeit’ and let them swipe the Skidmark Mastercard for two. Fuckers.
First off, yo – why they be havin’ these festivals in May and August? It was damn hot out in the middle of the desert without a tree in sight. With the county detention center to the east and a shooting range to the west, I wondered if there could possibly be a more uninviting location to celebrate the art of craft wine. There were a couple tents erected for shade, but around 2pm we got pummeled by a raging sandstorm that collapsed all the shelters and sent two Porta-Potties airborne. Determined to cash in on the freebies, I continued sampling the many fine wines as much of the premises was evacuated during the Azúcar show.
After several hours of partaking in journalistic field research under the beating hot sun, and a few shots of the neon green chile wine followed by a wine-a-rita chaser, I was toasted. The last thing I remember is Rufus dragging me off the stage as I chanted “Sugar! Sugar!” and took my shirt off to tie around my head, Sahara-style. Rufus suggested we take off and swing by the shooting range to chill out for a while and burn the buzz off by firing at tin cans and shit.
G-Fresh’s path of destruction
“WTF, dude?!” I said as I saw his crotch and left pant leg turning red, and Rufus started praying like crazy. I guess we had some ricochet action, cuz my aim is usually dead-on-balls accurate. So I dragged his bleeding ass into the Skidmark hearse and I tore out of there along the I-10 Frontage Road, until we passed the Fairgrounds again, where I was immediately pulled over by one of Doña Ana County’s finest. Dayam.
Before I got tazed I done told the Copper that I’m with the press and we were out on assignment for the newspaper, so it was all like legit and shit. Oh yeah, and that my cousin was in the back of the hearse with an accidental gunshot wound. But he say, “Naw man, you’re drunk - spread ‘em and bend over,” and I was like “Shit no.”
It was a convenient 5-minute ride to the county jail where Rufus went to the clinic to get a Band-aid and I was given a pre-booking interrogation. Turns out I got the small-town hookup, cuz the interrogator knows our Survival Skills Coordinator, John Francis Michael, so he was like, “You’re cool, bro. Free to go.” See, the media can get away with anything!
I’m going to tone things down a bit at next year’s Wine Festival, which I’ve been told is going to be held in an old aircraft hangar at White Sands Missile Range, with a grand finale missile detonation presentation for all those attending. See ya’ll there!
