Put On The Glasses! Put On The Glasses!

SPECIAL REPORT:
Editorial & Voting Guide
By Fnord Manfredgensinson,
Covert Assignment Reporter

Ever get the feeling that there’s something rotten in America? Maybe you don’t feel as free as you’re supposed to be? Perhaps you’ve noticed the American Dream is only something people on TV are living? If that’s you, then you need to put on the glasses.

It’s election time. There’s a lot of people who want you to know they care about you. They want to do a whole bunch for you, too, if you do something for them. If you vote for any particular individual they will make sure, for example, to keep the queers from getting married. They’ll make sure you are safe at night. They’ll make sure that the Evil Empires on this earth are kept at bay. Then, when you’re not looking, they’ll cut taxes for their wealthy friends; give themselves raises; drive the US dollar into the ground; stand by while corporations embezzle your pensions; ship your jobs overseas; privatize the military; and suspend your natural rights as people one-by-one until one day we citizens no longer own the country but are owned by our country.

Kind of sounds un-American of our elected representatives, right? If you feel that way about their behavior, you’re on to something. And if you don’t feel that way, just ask yourself: how much could you possibly have in common with a handful of millionaire, high-society, inbred, ivy league, old-money campaign financed know-it-alls? And how much could they possibly have in common with you?

The real Hillary Clinton through the looking glasses. We’d do Monica too!

If you answer “not a whole lot”, congratulations! You’re a real flesh and blood American! Because we Americans are hard-working, underpaid, god-fearing, independent, git ‘er done, tough shit, high-minded badass motherfuckers who can spot bullshit a mile away. We don’t need anyone telling us how to live our lives. We know that shit sucks right now. And we know things ain’t the way they said it was. Someone’s lying. Right now someone is lying to your mother. Right now someone is lying to your children. Right now you’re getting paid less than you were in 1979, bizaatch.

Think that’s un-American?

A couple of days ago The Skidmark team made an important discovery.

An anonymous source gave us a box of what appear to be normal cheapo spectacles. Our source said he found them in the dumpster behind Las Cruces Biologicals while he was looking for a gift for his sick aunt. While most of them went for sale on e-bay, he generously donated the few that remained to The Skidmark in exchange for a case of Monster Energy Drink and a carton of Red Apples. What began as joke to us – wearing them about the office while we laughed about helping a stinking homeless construction worker with a very aggressive mullet – soon became a life changing event. We realized he had discovered something big. It’s our duty to report the truth, and the best way we can bring you the truth is for you to put on the glasses! Wear them and see for yourself.

Here’s Johnny! Old John “Rugburn” McCain: wants eternal war über alles!

When we put on the glasses for the first time we were shocked. Everything we had in the office, except the Skidmark mock-ups, were blank except for a single word or phrase telling us to “consume” or “sleep” or “watch TV”. We immediately noticed that our staff Survival Skills Coordinator, John Frances Michael, looked like total shit while the rest of us just looked stoned. When we removed the glasses everything returned to normal. That’s when we knew: John was a total Alien Douchebag! This was one E.T. we had to hurt! The funny thing about it is that he didn’t even know what had changed with the glasses on. All he said was “Tlön, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius!” when we went medieval on his punk ass. Apparently, the whole world is being run by a bunch of stank ass aliens! They’re everywhere! They own the major media: TV, radio, and the FCC. They own the oil companies, tobacco companies, the USDA. They’re everywhere – they’re truly the UN Americans!

We believe they are aliens. They Live, among us, unknown to us. We work alongside them and go to school with them. They often portray and uphold a higher status than we do. They tell us how we ought to behave, what to buy, and who to believe. They constantly revise the truths we are told and repeat these messages over and over on the news. They control our thoughts by repeating lies until we believe them. They use tactics, ignoring important events and issues while they flood us with trivial thoughts and glamour. They condescend to act in our best interests when they want something from us: money, votes, approval, or sheepish indifference.

A snapshot of typical water-cooler behavior of the Alien scum. Note the casual manner in which they greet others like them.

Their behavior is often secretive. We know they like to belong to organizations that say they are benevolent and humanitarian, but are not transparent and open to the public. We think this is one way they stay organized in their efforts to dominate us. They love to hold positions of authority that require specialized knowledge. They are often lawyers and academics who understand the true meaning of specialized legal definitions that confound and alienate us lay-people.

The messages they send us in our daily news are all advertisements. The news is there to tell us to “buy more stuff” or “look at what your neighbor owns”. They pit us against one another based on our beliefs, cares, and religious or political preferences. They encourage us to fear others of different skin colors, nationalities, upbringings, or spoken languages. They treat us like morons. But when it’s time to pay taxes we’re all the same. And when things are really bad they often give us a little present to give back to them, like an economic stimulus check. Then we’re supposed to go shopping and forget how messed up the world is. But it’s not messed up. Everything is really just fine and dandy. We no longer have to think or worry because there are people to do it for us. Good people who have their best interests at heart for us little people. And the good news is we can vote for our favorite alien in just a few months!

Now, in case you were too busy watching Survivor or American Idol for the last eight years – if anyone tells you that an election can be stolen they’re just sore losers. Computers today are totally perfect and too smart to let that happen. So when you vote this time you can bet that it will count.

Just remember that at The Skidmark, we don’t care who you vote for or why. We just want you to be as confused and angry as possible when you do. We recommend you vote for the person who wants to kill the most people if they “have to”, or vote for the person with the most ties to corporations so they can make billions and you can make an extra buck-o-five in stock dividends.

Try to vote for anyone who wants to reinstate the draft so your kids will serve their country and have a future, while the neighbor’s kids will get blown to bits before they are old enough to drink a beer. Remember, nothing will happen to your kids because no one will let that happen – not even the president. Remember: freedom is worth fighting for, but no one should have the choice whether they should fight or not. The only best way to serve our country is to fight someone else for it. If we keep having the choice to serve in the military, then we won’t have any freedom left to fight for.

We also recommend you vote for the person who wants to spend the most money on rebuilding the infrastructure of a foreign country, that, if you’re lucky, you’ll never set foot on because it’s way too dangerous and full of poor people whose sole purpose in life is to blow it all up without so much as a thank you. This is actually very smart of our representatives, because they know all that cement they lay is going to trickle down back to our Homeland and fix our roads and bridges – that way we won’t have to do the work and we’ll save money. Besides, those people are too poor for maps. If we didn’t rebuild everything they wouldn’t know where the new Walmart was.

We also recommend you vote for the person who wants to fight the most countries at one time while they take away our right to own guns because they might fall into the wrong hands.

We encourage you to vote for the person who will cut the most pork out of the budget, specifically cutting money for stuff to help poor or stupid people get any learning from. We all know they should spend that money on jails where poor and stupid people belong in the first place, so that the people who have money for the art and books and stuff will be our children who get them from their college bookstores or high school libraries. We also need to save money for the really important things like high school athletic equipment. Then all students will have a chance to get college scholarships so they won’t have to go to jail. We should stop spending money on any social services, welfare, or health care because people just take advantage of it. Just imagine: if we all had universal health care we paid for out of our taxable incomes, we’d totally take advantage of it.

When you vote, think of which alien you most want to see burning in hell and then vote for the other candidate. This helps because voting is confusing and there’s just so much information to remember. So many issues! Vote for the prettiest candidate, too, or the one who says the fewest big words. You can bet they’re more honest. Voting for the candidate you would most like to be is another way you can cut through the red tape. If the computerized voting machine seems too intimidating in its sheer perfection or there are just too many buttons, get someone to help you or even vote for you. All you have to do is stand aside while they punch the buttons.

And don’t forget, voting day is always every four years on Wednesday. Sure there are people who go on Tuesday, but it’s just a training exercise--like a test run. You wouldn’t want to show up to vote on a broken machine, would you? Vote on Wednesday when your vote will count!

Envision the totalitarian state of the America! Fuck yeah!

Sure, the Aliens live. They rule us. They’re our masters. But we at The Skidmark ask, “Can’t we all just get along?” Life is too complicated for us and maybe we need that one percent of the population to govern our lives a little bit here and there. When things get tough, they have calm heads and warm hearts to confide in. They know what is good for us. They’re smart. How else could they possibly make so much money? America is a great place and getting better by the minute. We have the best politicians that money can buy and we’re god’s chosen people. So put on the glasses! Go out there and thank an alien for all their hard work and grit. God Bless Them!