Throb: Busted At The SNM Wine Fest

See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!

G-Fresh, Throb Columnist

Drunk as hell but no throwin’ up
Half way home and my pager still blowin’ up
Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K.
I got to say it was a good day

Yo peeps, G-Fresh kickin’ it here after a wild weekend sippin’ on some Sauvignon and chillin’ with Chardonnay until I got all caught up in a Blue Light Special on I-10. I praise Big Poppa and the collaborative efforts of my media connects for backing me up and gettin’ me out of some deep shit. Here’s how it all went down – and kids, don’t try this at home! Or along an Interstate.

So bein’ the Arts & Culture Soulja that I am, I was asked by our very own Bob Loblaw to attend the 18th Annual Southern New Mexico Wine Festival, courtesy of The Skidmark. Free wine, greasy grilled turkey legs, and use of our company vehicle (a modified hearse) to haul my azz out there – ‘shit yeah’, I said, and headed out there Saturday afternoon with my cousin, Rufus.

After we passed the prison, we were there. We had a minor incident at the admission gate where I argued that Rufus should not have to pay the full $13 admission because, as a Mormon and my ride home, he don’t drink. I showed them our press passes, but they said he has to pay anyway, so I said ‘sheeit’ and let them swipe the Skidmark Mastercard for two. Fuckers.

First off, yo – why they be havin’ these festivals in May and August? It was damn hot out in the middle of the desert without a tree in sight. With the county detention center to the east and a shooting range to the west, I wondered if there could possibly be a more uninviting location to celebrate the art of craft wine. There were a couple tents erected for shade, but around 2pm we got pummeled by a raging sandstorm that collapsed all the shelters and sent two Porta-Potties airborne. Determined to cash in on the freebies, I continued sampling the many fine wines as much of the premises was evacuated during the Azúcar show.

After several hours of partaking in journalistic field research under the beating hot sun, and a few shots of the neon green chile wine followed by a wine-a-rita chaser, I was toasted. The last thing I remember is Rufus dragging me off the stage as I chanted “Sugar! Sugar!” and took my shirt off to tie around my head, Sahara-style. Rufus suggested we take off and swing by the shooting range to chill out for a while and burn the buzz off by firing at tin cans and shit.

G-Fresh’s path of destruction

Things were fine until Rufus insisted on building a pyramid of beer cans that he found scattered around the range. I swear he shouted “Done!”, so I aimed and fired my pistol at the cans and the next thing I know Rufus be laying on the dirt screaming that he been shot.

“WTF, dude?!” I said as I saw his crotch and left pant leg turning red, and Rufus started praying like crazy. I guess we had some ricochet action, cuz my aim is usually dead-on-balls accurate. So I dragged his bleeding ass into the Skidmark hearse and I tore out of there along the I-10 Frontage Road, until we passed the Fairgrounds again, where I was immediately pulled over by one of Doña Ana County’s finest. Dayam.

Before I got tazed I done told the Copper that I’m with the press and we were out on assignment for the newspaper, so it was all like legit and shit. Oh yeah, and that my cousin was in the back of the hearse with an accidental gunshot wound. But he say, “Naw man, you’re drunk - spread ‘em and bend over,” and I was like “Shit no.”

It was a convenient 5-minute ride to the county jail where Rufus went to the clinic to get a Band-aid and I was given a pre-booking interrogation. Turns out I got the small-town hookup, cuz the interrogator knows our Survival Skills Coordinator, John Francis Michael, so he was like, “You’re cool, bro. Free to go.” See, the media can get away with anything!

I’m going to tone things down a bit at next year’s Wine Festival, which I’ve been told is going to be held in an old aircraft hangar at White Sands Missile Range, with a grand finale missile detonation presentation for all those attending. See ya’ll there!