Special Report: Economic Progress
Amateur Photoshop artist’s conception of the future Organ Mountain ridge
Condo fever is about to hit town.
We met with John Stickelmeyer, former director of the Downtown Development Team – which has since disbanded after successfully luring Walmart to completely restructure and occupy the entire downtown core. Stickelmeyer, now working as an independent covert liason consultant, was able to show us some architectural renderings of what’s in store for the Mesilla Valley.
“So we was brainstorming various ideas on managing growth...you know, I mean do we keep building out and out into the desert? We researched the megatropolis of Phoenix, which 50 years ago was about the size ‘Cruces is today, and decided it’s pretty much an overcrowded, dirty, volatile pressure cooker that is liable to explode in the near future. And it smells like shit, especially in the East Valley.” Stickelmeyer, drinking a glass of Kool-Aid, added, “We want ‘Cruces to be totally different than the other southwestern metros.”
Dutifully following the current construction trends of every other sizable American city, Las Cruces also plans to stimulate growth with the rapid erection of multi-story condominium towers. Due to the lack of a lively city center, the development will be breaking ground (rock) along the craggy ridge of the Organ Mountains using the city-owned Dildozer, providing future residents with extreme privacy, spectacular views of an endless desert wasteland, and occasional sneak-peeks at missile detonations and other war games at The Range.
Stickelmeyer has been meeting with the condo tycoons, who feel the construction of comically overpriced tenement towers for wealthy white people will create an economic boom for Las Cruces.
Coffee giant Starbucks has already secured locations along the side of the ridge, at both ends of the Sun Tunnel (which provides a direct route to the missile range), and plans to have smaller satellite stores peppered throughout each tower; McDonald’s plans to erect the largest Golden Arches in the world, visible from Deming to Alamogordo; and a new golf course is slated to raze over 800 acres of pristine desert and eventually deplete the East Mesa aquifer.
Project planners are debating how to handle the incessantly growing wall of graffiti defacing the lower west side of the range, nicknamed Tag Tor. Continued removal is pointless and expensive, so it may be promoted as a new “Art Park” with an ever-changing display of spray painted craftwork.
“The developers want to promote ad nauseum how earth-friendly the new community will be. You know, all that carbon footprint bullshit and how compacting residents into shoebox-size concrete bunkers 18 stories tall is going to save the world,” said Stickelmeyer.
Condo units (aka studio apartments) in the proposed Flatblock 18A-Linear North tower will start at $499,000 for a luxurious 200 sq. feet of living space. Monthly resident membership dues are expected to be around $500, which covers eco-friendly amenities such as use of the unicycle-powered elevator, access to the rooftop clotheslines and putt-putt range, Tunnel Tomb® car parking, and solar-powered tanning beds. A graywater swimming pool, located on the ground floor, will be perpetually replenished with residents’ filtered dirty dish water.
To maintain condo community standards, the developers will be targeting potential buyers within the following demographics:
- White
- Independently wealthy
- Drive Lexus RX 400h Hybrid
- Visit Starbucks at least twice daily
- Yoga every morning
- Buy organic produce at Toucan Market
Children, dogs (except poodles & chihuahuas), hanging wet towels on the balconies, and vehicles costing less than $40K will not permitted in the community.
For information on being among the privileged few to snap up a brand new condo or be lucky enough to get on a waiting list, look for the full page ads to appear in Las Cruces Sun News in coming months.
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