Beer Delivery Van Combats DUIs

The NMSU campus Beer2Go® van, designed by the Phat Betos Kappem fraternity and manned by newly recruited Officer Tracie Starr

LAS CRUCES – Despite being dubbed as “enabling”, “trashy”, and “controversial” by some people, the Beer2Go® community action program is working.

Started in 2008 by sixth-year college student Jeff Spicoli, frustrated with the issues surrounding drinking, driving, and restocking, his business venture grew into a profitable and successful enterprise and in early 2009 was tentatively tested by county officials with off-the-chart results.

New Mexico, shamefully recognized for having the highest per-capita drunk driving crashes in the country, has government officials scrambling for solutions. Of particular concern is the continued decrease of revenue within the tourism industry as travelers – warned of the bloody highways of New Mexico – simply bypass the entire state and go to Arizona instead because Texas is too boring and backwards.

Adding to the downward spiral is the locally-known “Drunken Revolving Door” of the legal system which administers minimal repercussions and “wrist slaps” to those arrested for drunk driving, creating a plague of proud repeat offenders who view their convictions as badges of honor. Statistically, deaths caused by drunk driving crashes almost never include the impaired driver who caused the crash as they typically drive oversized pickup trucks capable of completely crushing a standard passenger vehicle full of children.

Jeff Spicoli describes how he got his idea (his first ever).

“Dude, it kinda started by accident,” he says, describing the events that led up to forming the Beer2Go® program. “I was hangin’ out with my buds, just chillin’, and Dooder drops the last 6-pack and broke all the bottles. I was, like, ‘You dick!’ Then I’m, like, eff this and I get in my ride to go get more beer at the Slik Pik but on the way I accidentally hit 3 people and a dog crossing the street. It totally sucked and broke my car.”

Spicoli recalls the trauma he endured in dealing with the aftermath of the accident and being isolated in his apartment unable to travel around town.

“My car was busted up, cracked windshield & shit, and I couldn’t afford to fix it. Everyone was always too busy to pick up some beer for me. Plus I had to go to these defensive driving classes once a week and it totally ruined my social life. It was at that point I came up with this kickass idea.”

Spicoli was sitting on his front porch one afternoon when he heard the melodic call of an ice cream truck making its rounds through his neighborhood. Thirsty, he ran toward the music until he caught up with the van and asked the driver if he had any “Buds” for sale.

“The guy was, like, ‘Naw, bro, you gots to call my cousin for that. Here’s his pager number.’ So I call this dude and I did work out a deal but I still didn’t score any beer. So I was, like, ‘Do you have any beer in that cooler?’ And he was, like, ‘Naw, man, can’t sell beer here,’ and then I was, like, you know,” said Spicoli.

This set Spicoli’s wheels in motion – literally. He purchased an old ice cream van that had been sitting for sale in an empty lot for months, set up a beer request hotline, applied for a beer serving license with the State, and got a City business license. Within a matter of weeks, Spicoli and his brightly painted van plastered with Budweiser decals and outfitted with an iPod-powered sound system geared up to play a neverending loop of “man music” and “Mexican drinking songs” was ready to roll.

His first night Spicoli brought in over $500. A week later he was making over $1,000 on Saturday afternoons. And the people seemed to love it.

“I started rolling out around 4 o’clock every afternoon and as soon as people heard the familiar sound of “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” echoing through the neighborhood they got off their porches and came running, waving money and calling out ‘Yo, Beer Man!”

Describing how he bonded with his customers, Spicoli says he had a lot of regulars and was seeing the same people buy a 6-pack of beer “sometimes 3 or 4 times in one night.”

Spicoli knew he was onto something big. That’s when City officials contacted him and inquired about the possibility of teaming up and expanding the operation county-wide.

When Spicoli’s beer delivery van started making its rounds, local drunk driving violations began to drop significantly. Most notably, on the days Spicoli actually cruised around area neighborhoods selling beer to patrons right in their front yards, DUI arrests dropped by over 50%. And while this resulted in fewer fatalities and safer roadways, it also meant decreased revenue for local law enforcement and lack of work for officers scheduled for DUI patrols and for weekend jailers.

“I think the cops were concerned about my operation creating lack of work for them,” explains Spicoli. “I was kind of forced into meeting with them – that’s all I can really say about it.”

After a series of meetings with City officials and local think-tank expert Jon Spunkmeyer the decision was unanimous. Police officers normally tied up with the bureaucratic bullshit involved in a DUI – a single drunk driving arrest typically consumes 4 or more hours of an officer’s shift – will be offered the opportunity to make up lost work hours by operating Beer2Go® vans and immersing themselves in the community to make sure the program is working safely and successfully.

An initial fleet of 10 ice cream vans were purchased, with Spicoli in charge of converting them into “pimpin’ beer-mobiles” with colors and graphics designed to reflect the heritage and culture of the communities they would soon be patrolling.

“I personally did the designs for the historical Piñon neighborhood van, painted a big mural of a donkey and wagon and covered it with a bunch of crosses and Zia symbols just to piss off that Paul guy,” Spicoli said proudly, referring to an area man who sued the City for using crosses in their logo representing the city’s name, The Crosses.

The Ademala District van was painted to resemble a steam engine in memory of the vibrant railroad depot in operation until the 1960s.

Spicoli struggled with the design for the Picacho Peak Mountain Hills van until finally relinquishing the creative process to a neighborhood feminist group headed by former Family Ties actress Meredith Baxter, who led the way to painting the van a muted peach color with a realistic-looking dirt-colored tile roof to match all the surrounding homes. Colorful murals decorate both sides of the van; one depicting women displaying various yoga poses and the other showing a group of men swinging golf clubs. The ‘Ranch Van’ will be the only Beer2Go® van to sell handcrafted microbrews, wine coolers, and bottled vitamin water for those counting calories.

Government officials recently launched an advertising campaign to help spread the word about the Beer2Go® project and to emphasize that the slightly higher cost of beverages purchased from the vans is not nearly as expensive as a DUI.

“We have one billboard that says ‘Cold case of beer: $25; Friday night car wreck and DUI arrest: $25,000; Sitting your ass at home all night drinking beer delivered to your front door in a wheelbarrow: Priceless,” says local DUI Deputy Ted Kennedy.

The Beer2Go® vans will canvass neighborhoods throughout the city, as well as in various outlaying areas within the county. Beer prices are competitive with the local retail market, but have a 10% surcharge added as a “convenience fee” and to cover operational costs.

For more information about the Beer2Go® program call the hotline at (575) 555-BEER or visit the website at www.Beer2Go4UinLCNM.com

“Phallic” Interlocks Raise Eyebrows, Decrease DUIs

COLONIAS DE ALCOHOLICAS, NM – An incriminating mass of plastic tubes, wires, and buttons currently grace the steering columns of some 9,000 vehicles throughout New Mexico.

Ignition interlock breathalyzers, designed to prevent a clumsy drunk from starting a vehicle, have been used by courts statewide for the past several years with less-than-successful results.

The devices, operated by blowing into a tube to detect blood alcohol levels, have proven to be outsmarted by even the most incompetent of persons.

Carlos “Muchos” Cervezas of Drunk Rock Falls, NM, admits he sometimes enlists the assistance of his 8-year-old daughter to get his car started.

“Sometimes she ain’t around, living with her foster mom,” states Cervezas. “But when she visits me some weekends I see it as a green light to drive over to the Slik Pik to get another 12-pack. I bribe her with candy.”

The Las Cruces Skidmark spoke with a number of other “interlock inmates” who declined to give us their names, but also stated they have ways to beat the system.

“Doug”, working on his ninth DUI, was one of the first success stories under the Operation Blow & Go program

One man, an upbeat drywall installer going by the name “Doug” who’s been convicted 8 times for DUI, told us he’s tried everything in the book – from paying his neighbor’s son to blow into his unit and even eating a handful of peanuts to mask the alcohol in his breath.

“Sometimes it works, sometimes it don’t,” said Doug.

When we asked drivers why they don’t just avoid driving while intoxicated by planning ahead or calling a sober friend, the responses were all similar: “Didn’t want to bother nobody”, “Drinking is part of my culture”, and “I didn’t think I was that drunk.”

One small community in northern New Mexico decided to try something different.

Colonias de Alcoholicos is a poor, sleepy community of around 5,000 people, yet over 75% of its registered and unregistered drivers have been arrested at least once for drunk driving – including a third of the police force and the mayor. City councilors realized they had an epidemic problem on their hands and the standard interlock devices issued by the State were just not working.

Area attorney Frito Pendejo, fed up with working on dead-end cases with the same dead-end results, participated in a town council meeting last summer and suggested an idea.

“It was more of a joke I made out of disgust and frustration,” said Pendejo. “I said something to the effect of ‘if people had to blow into a weird adult toy instead of a plain tube they might think twice about the whole deal’ and brought the meeting to an awkward silence.

Pendejo says a few people started giggling until a City Councilor interrupted and said “You know, that’s a good fucking idea. Let’s try it.”

Colonias de Alcoholicos partnered with a Las Cruces company, Interactive Body Parts LLC, which manufactures soft, lifelike human body parts for a variety of purposes.

“We get orders from schools, from hospitals, from the adult film industry – you name it,” said the company’s president, Tom Hung. “All of our products are made from high-quality, flexible silicon products and molded to the client’s exact specifications. We can also mix the color to match a specific race or skin tone, complete with wrinkles and other flaws, depending on the body part.”

To test out the effectiveness of the new program, an initial order of 500 units was placed. The units, designed to look like a human penis, are fused to fit snugly over the mouthpiece nozzle of existing interlock devices. Attempted removal of the extension unit will render the entire device inoperable and the vehicle will not start.

“We expected the first batch of offenders to balk at and even refuse the new unit extensions,” said a city spokesperson, “but we instituted a new mandate that would ultimately impound a violator’s vehicle if they did not comply with their probationary punishment.”

“Being caught and punished doing something as dangerous as drunk driving is not supposed to be fun or easy. Some states issue bright yellow license plates for hardcore offenders so everyone knows what they’ve done. The humility factor, you know? Seeing as we already have bright yellow license plates here in New Mexico, that would likely have no effect.”

Unit installations began last September and the results have been staggering. Within three months city officials formally named the program Operation Blow & Go, ordered 2,500 more units, and began searching for a freelance graphic designer from the Bay Area to put together a clever advertising campaign.

A standard ignition interlock system, as demonstrated by the mayor of Colonias de Alcoholicas in his own vehicle

A representation of the Operation Blow & Go interlock device (nobody would consent to having their picture taken while blowing into the unit)

“Doug”, who we spoke with before he became one of the first violators to participate in Operation Blow & Go, had this to say:

“I went in for my monthly probation checkup and they told me they had to upgrade my interlock thing. Then I go back out to my car and I see this pink thing on the steering column. I’m like ‘What the hell?’ and it looks like a you know what. All these cops are standing around my car and my P.O. tells me to ‘Just blow”. I was, like, ‘Hell no’, I ain’t queer or nothin’. And the cops are, like, just blow & go. Finally I just wanted to get outta there so I closed my eyes and blew hard, car started, and I took off. I swear those pigs were laughing at me. Totally embarrassing, man.”

Doug detailed the effects of having the unit in his car and told us it’s really changed his life around.

“I barely drive anywhere now. Not worth it. I really have to blow hard into that thing to make it work so I tried doing it while hiding down on the ground but it don’t activate unless you’re sitting upright in the driver’s seat with your head above the steering wheel. Screw that!”

Doug also shared that he hasn’t driven his vehicle while intoxicated once since the unit was installed. He says he’s abandoned his old tricks of bribing others to blow his interlock unit, stating he was “too much of a man” to let anyone see that “rubber thing” dangling from his dashboard.

Statistics show a nearly 90% decline in drunk driving arrests in just six months and people statewide are taking notice. Lightbulb of the project, attorney Frito Pendejo, told us news of Operation Blow & Go has spread around the state and appears to have induced some sort of perceived panic among citizens.

“We’ve been hearing stories of people who have only heard about what we’re doing up here with the drunks and they decide to just call a cab instead of risk becoming part of Operation Blow & Go. The jokes are flying around. You know, like, ‘Drive drunk, get dicked’. It certainly has a different connotation than the Governor’s current ‘Drive drunk, get nailed’ slogan – profane variations of which we see quite a bit of on tshirts and MySpace taglines in the college crowd. It seems like the public is taking it upon themselves to eliminate drunk driving completely, like nipping it in the bud, before the program has a reason to spread statewide.”

“We think it’s working,” said Pendejo, finally, with a dull smirk.

Ice Cream Eating Contest Angers Staff, Nutritionists

LAS CRUCES – Professional eaters screamed for more at the tenth annual Ice Cream Funday held at the City’s Health & Wellness Center downtown on Sunday.

More than 500 husky participants consumed gluttonous, competitive amounts of the frosty treats during the event, which continues to grow in popularity every year – along with the waistlines of the participants, said Gregorio de Gordo, co-coordinator of the event and father of reigning child-champion, Che.

Nine-year old Che Gordo taking a nap following his daily afternoon snack after a long, hard day at school

“Everyone loves ice cream and whoever doesn’t is a big party pooper...and probably one of those progressive leftist wackos,” Gordo said, with a wink, of the success of Ice Cream Funday. “When you have the Health & Wellness Center, a sanctuary for so many people working together to stay healthy and educate others on smart nutrition, and then throw ice cream all over it, you wouldn’t imagine anything could go wrong. Ice cream is fun and healthy. We wanted people to be able to pretend that eating 3 pounds of ice cream in one sitting was like a day away from their troubles – not the cause of their troubles!”

After shoveling the ice cream in 5-gallon buckets, learning about the dairy industry through propagandist videos, and taking tempting slurps of the chemically-processed treats before officially stuffing their faces, participants’ only problem was brain damage, Gordo said.

Just as participants had assumed their positions to begin eating, a group of people wearing white pants, some dressed as vegetables and waving signs, congregated around the main tent and began shouting.

The demonstration spokesperson, dressed as a stalk of broccoli and screaming into a megaphone, announced the reason behind the disruption of the fun family event.

“We, the hired staff of the Health & Wellness Center, were not informed of this event. We are outraged by the continued notion that ice cream is healthy and nutritious, pounded into your thick skulls by the organizations that profit the most from your demise. You are all doomed! Look at yourselves! Your children are obese!”

As most participants had ignored the ruckus and started shoveling ice cream into their mouths, the demonstrators only caught the attention of two comically overweight women resting on a bench after completing the preliminary overconsumption contest.

Vegetable demonstrators at the Ice Cream Funday downtown

One young woman, her errogenous zones covered with lettuce leaves, shouted one-liners like “One pound of ice cream equals 39 strips of bacon”, “A red apple a day keep cholesterol away”, “10 pounds of milk for one pound of ice cream”, and “No bras for 10 year-olds!”

Prior to being silenced and escorted away by event security, the vegetable demonstrators posted flyers and handbills around the vicinity containing information about the alleged nutritional myths of ice cream and dairy products.

One flyer, branded as “perverse” and “obscene” by local parents, documented the rapid change in pubescent development among young girls in the United States. The flyer claimed that 60 years ago the average girl began menstruating around age 16, but since the advent of refrigerators and the quadrupled annual consumption of dairy products the average age is now 11 1/2. In addition, girls as young as 8 are developing full breasts and pot bellies that never go away.

One onlooker who remained after the incident commented that “maybe the Health & Wellness Center should have a carrot eating contest next time” because “the only harm is that your skin turns a bit orange if you eat too much.”

“People could dress up in rabbit costumes and see who can chomp down the most carrots. It’s good for your teeth, too!”

Back at the competition, more than 300 ice cream sandwiches, donated by Shady Acres Dairy Farmers, were ultimately consumed by Che during the event’s popular ice cream-eating competition.

“If anybody gets sick, head for the bathroom or use one of the barf-buckets placed under the tables,” Gregorio quipped as competitors prepared to chow down.

Participants ages 4 through adults all left with brown ooze dripping down their chins and violent sessions of mucus-induced throat clearing.

“It was nothing,” said 9-year-old Che after taking first place in his age group. “I didn’t even get a brain freeze or get throw-up come back up in my mouth.”

Although Che claimed he didn’t practice for the competition, his father chimed in, “He eats like that at home all the time!”

Gregorio said he and his family, of El Paso, visited the Health & Wellness Center for the first time two weeks ago while Che was recovering from dual-knee surgeries caused by hauling around so much weight on a small frame, when they learned of Ice Cream Funday. “This is our second time here,” Gregorio said. “We’ll definitely be back again next year.”

After downing five ice cream cakes, 12-year-old Grandita Gordo walked away with a coupon for a free double cheese pizza and a large tshirt with “Ice Cream Queen” printed on the front. “After the third (ice cream sandwich), I almost felt like I was going to puke, but I kept going like a junkie wants crack,” she said. Grandita agreed she will probably wait a few minutes before picking up her free pizza, but that didn’t stop her from grabbing yet another quart cup of ice cream following the competition.

Her third time attending Ice Cream Funday, Grandita said, “I’ve always done the ice cream sandwich contest, but this is the first time I stuffed my gaping maw enough to win a prize.”

Her father and event coordinator, Gregorio, on the other hand, is a veteran champion at the competition. Holding the record for the most frozen desserts eaten in the adult challenge, he kept his first-place title this year by downing seventeen ice cream sandwiches.

“I just try not to think about it,” he said. “It’s a challenge to get the human body to process that much saturated fat and sugar in one sitting. I spend way too much time on the toilet the next day, but it’s worth it because it’s fun.”

Making the event a family affair, even Grandita’s mother, Grandeña, got in on the action, eating the same number of frozen bars of sweetened animal fat as her daughter. “I couldn’t even look at Gregorio while we were competing,” she said of her husband. “He looked like such a pig and I would just start laughing.”

“We’re making this a family tradition,” Grandeña said.

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Obama Calling All Citizens To Report Health Care Opposers

So the First Amendment limitations don’t stop at yelling, “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater. The White House has extended the danger criteria to bloggers who are reading H.R. 3200 and pointing out the flaws and misinformation that is flowing from the Government. After all, in our opinion, it is alright to yell, “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater that is indeed on fire.

In an effort to push back against criticism of its health care reform plans, the Obama Administration is sending one of the many former journalists in its employ onto the digital airwaves of Youtube to attack Matt Drudge and other critics for spreading “disinformation” and “lies.” Since “we can’t keep track of all of them here at the White House,” health reform Communications Director Linda Douglass says, “we’re asking for your help. If you get an email or see something on the web about health insurance reform that seems fishy, send it to flag@whitehouse.gov.”

Texas GOP Sen. John Cornyn sent a letter today to President Obama asking him to disband the Internet Snitch Brigade run out of the Health Care Czar’s office immediately.

“By requesting citizens send ‘fishy’ emails to the White House, it is inevitable that the names, email, addresses, IP addresses, and private speech of U.S. citizens will be reported to the White House,” Cornyn wrote in a letter to Obama. “You should not be surprised that these actions taken by your White House staff raise the specter of a data collection program.”

Cornyn asked Obama to cease the program immediately, or at the very least explain what the White House would do with the information it collects.

Project Pit Urges Residents To Get Dogs, Dissidents Fined $500

LAS CRUCES – A recent uptick in burgleries, property thefts, and home invasions have left area residents jamming the 911 circuits with calls for assistance and local law enforcement overburdened with following up on dead-end cases.

He never thought it would happen to him, but when area man Len Tukwila came home one day last spring he was surprised by 3 men armed with golf clubs standing in his shower. Tukwila’s 8-year-old calico cat napped peacefully on a window sill as he was repeatedly clubbed by the intruders who stole a number of items from the home – including a factory-wrapped Sleepless in Seattle DVD, an iPod, and a large pot roast defrosting on the kitchen counter.

Tukwila says he felt insulted when he spoke to police about the incident and they told him if he had a dog instead of a cat this probably wouldn’t have happened.

Project Pit, promoted by local law enforcement, encourages all residents to have attack dogs on their properties

In response to the overwhelming number of home invasions and burgleries, local police have formed a new community program called Project Pit. Working hand-in-hand with the City’s animal shelter, as well as scouring the rural areas of the county for properties hoarding dogs or running dog fighting operations, police are offering discounted adoption rates on the most intimidating and potentially violent dogs they can find.

Sergeant Perro Malo says the community’s response has been positive and that since the project began three months ago there are now at least 250 more snarling pit bulls chained to trees on residents’ properties.

“We simply don’t have the manpower to deal with all these crimes,” said Malo. “Sometimes going back to basics is the best solution and we’ve turned to man’s best friend for help.”

Police have been going door-to-door talking to residents and handing out informational pamphlets about Project Pit. The pit bull breed is being given top bill in the program due to their unusually vicious nature and history of attacks on humans.

“We want people to be safe. Guard dogs can be trained to kill intruders on sight and will bark for hours at any sign of movement or slight noise. We like to refer to them as “alarm systems with a heart”.

To help with funding for Project Pit, city officials recently passed a new ordinance allowing local police to fine any resident without a dog on their property. Fines start at $500 and increase in cases of reported burgleries in homes without dogs.

Officials suggest keeping a second dog inside the home and “dressing it like a gangster” to ward off burglers

“It’s a liability problem,” said Sergeant Malo. “We aren’t here to babysit every single person in town. We just don’t have the resources to go to the rescue of every victim of crime. The homes with a bunch of barking dogs in the backyard are the homes that the crooks pass up.”

Critics of the program state that not every resident has the means to care for a dog. Senior citizens, cat lovers (aka dog haters), homes with young children, and apartment dwellers are a few examples of people who may choose not to comply with the program.

“We aren’t forcing anyone to get a pit bull,” said Malo. “As free Americans, you have a choice. But those who choose not to comply are going to get fined. It’s that simple.”

To learn more about the project and get signed up for your new pit bull, stop by the police headquarters, call 555-PITS, or visit the website at www.LCNMpits.com.

Local Businesses Fight To Ban Unruly Children

LAS CRUCES – Controversy has erupted over the recent development by the group Business Owners Mean Business (BOMB) to pass a new ordinance granting them the right to expel disruptive children and their parents from private businesses.

The brouhaha began when local shopkeeper Marge Gunderson was cited by the City for unsanitary conditions after an agent repeatedly witnessed children in her establishment rolling around on the floor and then touching food items for sale to the public – and in one instance a dog was brought into the business where it vomited after licking a “caramel colored sticky substance” spilled on the floor.

Despite having surveillance video evidence, Gunderson lost her case, citing “cronyism” within the local judicial system, and formed the BOMB group.

“What we are doing is standing up for the small business owner and their right to sweep out the trash without fear of retaliation,” Gunderson stated. “It’s like those signs that say ‘No shirt, No shoes, No service’, only we’re ramping it up a bit.”

A supporter of BOMB, Jerry Lundegaard said he’s just “fed up” with the lack of parental discipline he witnesses around town.

“I work a late shift and sometimes stop at the mini-mart on my way home, sometimes I stop at Whitey’s for a Phat Daddy Burrito if I’m hungry. It’s like 1 o’clock in the morning and I see little kids wriggling around in the booths like it’s an all-night jungle gym or something. It totally ruins my late night dining experience.”

Gunderson notes the mission behind BOMB is to remind parents of their responsibility to make sure their children’s behavior is appropriate in public spaces and to not reward their little angels with a kiss and a hug after they have run rampant throughout a store destroying floral displays and smearing their noses on glass and other reflective surfaces.

Immigrant Xpress Shuttle To Serve Borderland Corridor

The dark, deadly side of illegal immigration may soon look a little brighter thanks to a cooperative effort between New Mexico and Texas.

The Bienvenidos Bus (Welcome Bus) has plans to start rolling next month as it services two routes daily from the International Border crossing in El Paso to Las Cruces.

A local humanitarian group formed a coalition they call Goodbye Gadsden, referring to the southern sections of Arizona and New Mexico acquired by the United States from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase of 1854. The coalition states their goal is to provide a friendly welcome and safe passage upon illegally entering the US so immigrants don’t have to travel on foot through the desert.

Through a series of rallies, strikes, and bribes the Goodbye Gadsden group convinced lawmakers of both states to earmark public funds to get the bus program started. Fares, to be set at $1 per person, won’t even come close to offsetting operating costs – leading officials to propose a new 10% tax increase at area taco shops which some are calling the “Burrito Tax”.

The El Paso station, currently under construction near the base of the Bridge of the Americas, will run two buses daily on a first-come, first-served basis to those crossing the border from Mexico. Riders will have the option of traveling as far as Las Cruces, but the route includes several stops along the way including the dairy farms in Vado and the cotton fields south of Mesilla, giving newcomers the opportunity to look for work. The route will terminate at the Human Services building on the east side so new residents can get signed up for public assistance as soon as possible. The buses plan to have a guide on board informing immigrants on how they can qualify for free food, medical care, and government housing. Newcomers will be reminded that having as many children as possible will increase their chances of success and prosperity as they acclimate in their new country. Information pamphlets, forms, and pencils will be made available during the 55-minute ride from the border so applicants can have their paperwork ready upon arrival.

Critics of the program are disputing the financial strain this will put on an already-poor economy and that local infrastructure isn’t enough to support such a large, rapid increase in population.

“I’m trying to figure out why I’m forced to surrender 30% of my income each year to support unskilled immigrants punching out a baby a year,” said one area man, requesting anonymity. “I don’t care if they move here, I just ain’t payin’ for it anymore.”

Critics are also demanding to know why the government has erected a multi-billion dollar border wall that will ultimately destroy local habitats and wildlife, only to turn around and provide a shuttle bus for illegal immigrants.

“Yeah, well I think we all know that wall is just for show, so the world can look at satellite images of it and see how tough the US is,” the area man continued. “But the reality is that the average American taxpayer has had just about enough and is ready to fight back. In fact, I’m heading over to a riot at City Hall in a few minutes if you want to join in.”

As the Bienvenidos Bus program is very new, we will continue to follow the story and report on its development in future issues.

Dick's Meat Rack

Throb: Humberto’s Is Da Bomb!

See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!

G-Fresh, Throb Columnist

Last month a local restaurant of great significance came under fire after failing a state health inspection. Humberto’s – a Las Cruces institution since before we was born – has served thousands of eaters over the years, won numerous awards (including the coveted Greasiest Tortilla Chips of the Year, 2002), and participates in an annual festival where Humberto attempts to create the biggest burrito in the world. Hells yes!

Team Skidmark was stunned to hear the news about the inspection downgrade as we hit that joint with great frequency on our way to the bowling alley every Friday night to load up on those hot-ass chupas huevos or whatever they’re called. Bar food! Hot, greasy, cheap – what’s to complain about?

We sent our Covert Assignment Reporters out to get the beat on the street, ask some questions, and raise some support for the best, biggest burritos in town. You can tickle my pickle if I wasn’t totally bummed out by what we heard and learned from the community and as a news publication we have the responsibility to deliver the results of our investigations in a truthful, unbiased manner.

We set up a poll and asked whoever was walking around to fill it out. Mostly we canvassed gas stations because that’s the only place people get out of their cars and just stand there doing nothing. It was weird because at first most people ignored us or told us to “eff off”, but when we started sayin’ it was an opinion poll about Humberto’s they did a 180 and started writing furiously in the “Extra Comments” section after answering the usual questions about food quality, cleanliness, and service with ratings from 0-10.

According to our poll, 84% of y’all think Humberto’s is a “crap pool” covered by a “deceptively nice” exterior with a “filthy stinky” interior and service that is a “hand full of shit” with a staff comprised of a “rude, condescending clique of cholas” who look at you as if to say “don’t fucken come back”.

Whoa, bro! I mean, who cares about good service? Cheap, greasy food is what we want and they got plenty of it. Thinking back, I ain’t never heard a “thank you” after I buy some grub there, but it don’t bother me. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow, so I started this thing where I just throw a few wadded up dollar bills at the counter girl while blurting out my order en español, she gets my shit in a bag and slides it down the counter in my general direction, and off I go. I’m thinkin’ all these haters need to get off their lily white pedestals and just accept that there’s a new culture of folks that just don’t want to talk to them and be all cordial & shit. Last time I checked it ain’t no crime to be unfriendly.

We heard lots of complaints about the food, too. More crap. From the haters, I mean. If folks want to experience fine gourmet dining, head over to Red Lobster or some shit. A three-buck burrito ain’t supposed to be nothin’ fancy, just make sure it has spicy flavors and no foreign objects rolled into it and I’m happy as pig in shit. I guess all these Cali immigrants want to pretend like they’re walking into some Baja Calamari Bistro Grill with pictures of beach people and fake crabs on the walls and real dishes with metal utensils – so go back home if you miss it so much! Dayam!

We got comments like:

“Trust me, the food is bad. The tortillas were fatty and burnt. The red chile wasn’t exactly red...it was brown and salty. And the green chile wasn’t even hot! My papas weren’t cooked all the way through. Worse, the dining room is unsanitary and a piece of wet ceiling tile found it’s way onto my table.”

“I am still gonna get them burritos tho-DIRTY BUT DELICIOUS!”

“The new breakfast burrito to go, CACA CON QUESO!”

“See you soon dirty but tasty burritos.”

“I got food poisoning from Roberto’s taquitos about 10 years ago. It is still a fresh memory because I have never thrown up so hard and for so long in my life.”

“I used to eat there until I found a live roach crawling on my plate. Freakin gross.”

“Disgusting!”

We actually didn’t get any good comments at all except from some guy who wrote that the tortillas are “ok” and the red chile left a “weird metal taste” in his mouth. That’s what I’m talkin’ about here, and I don’t know why everybody can’t appreciate the authentic Borderland cuisine cooked up at Humberto’s. Nobody even mentions that buying food there can actually save you money, like when I get the chile queso chorizo burrito it’s usually swimming in a pool of spiced grease. So I get a cup and save that shit and mix it with my breakfast huevos the next morning. It’s like getting free cooking oil!

Hungry for burritos, eaters wade through a flood of refried beans moments after the crash

After spending an afternoon bugging people at gas stations we started getting hungry so I arranged for a staff field trip to you know where. We decided to just walk over there because they got this big-ass pothole in the parking lot that my Honda Civic once got stuck in (some homeless guys helped me push it out after this beotch that works behind the counter comes out and starts screaming at me to move my car because it was blocking traffic). So we cross the street and suddenly there’s this CRASH! BANG! and we look up and some dude in his truck is driving right into the front door! I was, like, “Holy shit!” and started yelling at him that the drive-thru was on the other side but he kept on going and crashed into the building. It was totally crazy – I see people screaming, some guy threw a burrito at the truck’s windshield, and I thought the whole building was gonna drop. I ran over and saw all this red & brown crap smeared all over the front of the truck and I thought he nailed someone until I realized he had hit a 30-gallon simmer pot of refried beans. That shit just splattered everywhere!

I quietly left the scene when the cops showed up but returned after a wrecker pulled the truck out of the cavernous hole it created. About five minutes later Humberto taped up some cuidado police tape and flipped the closed sign to abierto. I stepped over the slippery guts of exploded burritos and went inside and that place was packed, yo! See what I’m sayin’? The place was busier than ever, people getting excited about wrecks & disasters like they always do and then hanging around because they want to be part of the scene. Except then my boss whispered to me that he thought the crash was a staged publicity stunt. You know, like everyone’s sayin’ all this rank shit about Humberto’s so he bribes some guy with a case of Coors and tells him to drink the whole thing and then drive over to the restaurant and into the “new drive-thru lane in the front of the building” if he wants a free taco platter and a bag of chips. I was, like, “Whatever, Boss” cause it was my turn in line and the counter chick said “What you want?” so I tossed her my wads and ordered a large chile cheese relleno with extra chile and extra cheese. A couple minutes later I caught my bag of food before it hit the floor and it wasn’t the shit I ordered but I was so hungry I didn’t care. Business as usual at good old Humberto’s!

What: Humberto’s

Where: Along the inner-city Lohmador corridor near that creepy ice cream shop and the car wash where guys hose out the interior of their trucks at 5am on Sunday mornings

When: Open every day ‘til 8, drive-thru open weekends ‘til 3am but only for drunk drivers

Why: Cheap food, open late, caters to drunks

'Cruces Shopper: Fall 2009

HUMBERTO’S GIFT CERTIFICATE $25 value, will sell for $20 or trade for case of Gatorade or something to calm diarrhea problem. Call Pancho 555-5555

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HOT NEW STUFF for sale. Hard to find DVD of Sleepless in Seattle still shrink-wrapped $25. iPod loaded with Michael Bolton’s entire catalog $150. And much more. Page me 555-5555

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NEED POLITICAL ACTIVISTS to demonstrate outside City Hall. Must have riot experience, at least one arrest, and a loud voice. Must have obsessive desire to ban the use of crosses city-wide. Contact Paul Weinbaum 555-5555 or email crossessuck@aol.com

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LOOKING FOR HISPANIC man with no tattoos, gang ties, baggy pants, pit bulls, or kids. Must be smart & sensual. No Budweiser drinking. I want a Latino lover. Call Ashley Kate at 555-5555

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WANTED: FREE CAR Single mom with 3 adorable angels and another due next month needs some wheels! Can’t pay nothing, don’t have a job. Prefer newer model SUV w/ custom wheels, but will accept any nice car. I’m a single parent. No money for extra stuff. Hit me up on my cell Natalie 555-5555

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LEARN TO TEXT Classes forming now. Learn all the slang, jargon, and code words. Thumb stretching exercises to prevent injury. We show you how to look attentive so you can keep texting while driving. Visit website www.omgloltext4u.com

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DRAG RACE TEAM forming for Friday night races up and down Lohman & Amador. Must have Japanese car with fart muffler and underbody glow. Meet us at Graham Cracker Station Friday 10pm. BE THERE!

Celibacy Pride Parade - Sept. 22, 2009

Most Motorists Fined, Mayor Visits Japan

New “public safety” traffic cameras in use along Lohman Avenue

Smile, you’re on camera!

Last month marked another milestone in history as The City installed several traffic cameras to monitor and record motorists in their daily frenzy – a move introduced by city planners under the gentle guise of public safety and loosely modeled after the quaint beginnings of England’s wildly popular CCTV observation booths.

“We were unexpectedly contacted by a company providing digital observation services,” states Mayor Ricardo Hirohito. “After reviewing the information they sold us it was just a no brainer. The people need this and they will get it.”

Te Watcho Security Services, with a Phoenix mailing address but based in the UK, works closely with communities in the desert Southwest to improve the quality of life for all residents.

Specializing in traffic cameras, the company also offers a range of services including fingerprint clearance systems, retina scans, DNA databases, and microchip technologies.

Local authorities were pleasantly surprised with the positive amount of negative activity during a three-week long evaluation period following the cameras’ installation.

“It looks like we busted the entire city!” said Mayor Hirohito, laughing. “Of course, we want to keep the public safe and will use the collected fines to go toward more public safety programs (and more cameras).”

During the first three weeks of operation the camera sensors recorded over 35,000 infractions including using a cell phone, applying makeup while driving, and jaywalking.

The sensors are precisely calibrated to be dead-on-balls accurate within 1/1000th of absolute perfection and are currently programmed to cite the following activities:

• Driving at least 1 mph over the posted speed limit

• Doing anything other than driving while operating a vehicle (eg: eating pretzels, less than two hands on the steering wheel, changing the radio station, talking to your passenger, smiling, laughing, etc.)

• Using a cell phone in any way, shape, or form

• Looking to the side instead of directly forward

• Flipping off the cameras

• Playing music above “volume level 3”

• Being in the crosswalk when the red hand is flashing

• And much more

The cameras are capable of detecting even the faintest of cellular phone signals, mapping the signal to the subscriber, recording any verbal or textual communication, and saving it to the national database.

In addition to motorists, the cameras are also monitoring pedestrians who are not crossing the street correctly or who seem to be walking without purpose. Crosswalk buttons have been outfitted with fingerprint identification sensors and will add all walkers to a database to investigate why that particular individual doesn’t have a car.

“I heard about these camera things and I’m not sure what to do,” whined area man Raymond Babbitt. “It’s confusing – I’m an excellent driver and I already got 3 tickets.”

New traffic light system installed at the “Five Pointed Star of Death” intersection

Te Watcho began issuing citations and mailing tickets last week to the tune of $150 each. The company is predicting a pay-up rate of around 97% – roughly the same percentage of the population who sheepishly obey the laws and do not offer any resistance whatsoever. Preliminary calculations show that $1.3 million worth of citations have already been issued.

Upon hearing of the success of the public safety program, Mayor Hirohito was quickly scheduled on a two-week, all-expenses-paid diplomatic excursion to Japan to evaluate the incomparable efficiency and cleanliness of the most densely populated place on the planet.

Mayor Hirohito remarked on the geniune kindness of the Japanese people and that most of them spoke English, allowing him multiple opportunities to experience the local customs of playing pachinko all night and drinking beer from a bucket.

“I was deeply immersed in the Japanese culture and I thank the residents of Las Cruces for giving me the opportunity. I have brought back with me the knowledge and understand that we will never, ever even come close to the sustainable urban development and technological wonders that are a part of everyday life in Japan.”

Mayor Hirohito says he plans to “return to Japan as soon as possible” to conduct further diplomatic research and to find a match for a sister city to Las Cruces.

Motorist fraud and basic human cleverness has already been factored into the cameras’ computer programs and should eliminate any incidence of error. An investigation has been closed on area man Paul Pain-In-The-Ass (PITA), who previously sued The City twice because he was offended by its name and logo and more recently sued them for a third time after claiming he received 89 traffic tickets in under a week. Police determined that photographs of PITA’s license plate were copied, distributed, and adhered to numerous vehicles throughout the city in an attempt to outsmart the traffic cameras and get PITA in trouble. PITA has been cleared of any wrongdoing and is now pursuing another lawsuit against The City regarding the offensive use of bilingual road signs.

Children Sickened During Vado Field Trip

Last Tuesday approximately eighteen children and three teachers were airlifted to Thomason Hospital in El Paso after being overcome by toxic fumes at a Vado dairy farm. One child remains in a coma in critical condition.

What was supposed to be an exciting educational excursion for the third grade class at Somos Ricos Elementary School turned into a disaster as students started collapsing only minutes after arriving at the farm, Las Leches Marrónes, Inc.

One cow also collapsed and died during the field trip after being overcome by the stench of its own waste.

The fieldtrip, called Kidz Krazy Kows, initially worried some parents due to concerns about Mad Cow Disease. Parents were assured all precautions would be taken to limit the children’s exposure to any diseases or toxins.

Gas masks were reportedly issued to visitors upon arrival but there were not enough to go around. The children wearing the gas masks were unaffected.

Investigative teams from the EPA, FDA, and ICE were called in to survey the scene and detected atrociously high levels of toxic methane gas, ammonia fumes, fertilizer pollution, and fetid basins of standing water.

“We wanted the children to see first-hand where their milk came from,” said school principal Dick Johnson. “The kids just think their pint of chocolate milk comes from the store, but we felt it was important to show them the real deal – the hundreds of cows crammed into shadeless pens standing knee-high in their own shit. That’s what a real farm is all about.”

Due to increased public knowledge and awareness about the atrocious conditions on modern dairy farms – exposed by angry vegan bloggers, watchdog groups, and bullshit organizations like PETA – more people are becoming more concerned about where their food is coming from.

“I like to buy Happy Cow® brand cheese strips for my son,” said Ima Maroon, whose child is currently hospitalized and breathing on a ventilator. “On the box there’s a cartoon of some cows playing in a green pasture with a little creek running through, so I assumed that’s where the cows were living while they ate grass to produce the milk for us.”

Maroon was shocked to discover the conditions at Las Leches Marrónes when she arrived to accompany her child to the hospital.

“It was like an endless spread of dirty cows wading miserably in this foot-high swamp of poo. I didn’t even see no trees, no grass. If there’s no grass, what is they eatin’?”

Las Leches Marrónes reportedly houses 25,000 cows on their 20-acre complex outside of Vado. A survey on Google Earth maps revealed a series of brown lagoons and streams, dubbed “Shit Creek” by the investigative crew. It’s suspected the waste receptacle ponds were formed after numerous complaints of brown tap water in the area last year. Further testing of the groundwater revealed high levels of fecal contamination and the investigation continues.

Former CNN Anchor Moves to The Onion

In yet another sign that the line between real news and fake news is getting thinner, one of CNN’s main anchors during the 1980s and 1990s, Bobbie Battista, has taken a step through the looking glass and can now be seen anchoring reports online for ONN, The Onion News Network.

In the report “Prague’s Franz Kafka International Named World’s Most Alienating Airport,” Ms. Battista reports the fictional news with the same aplomb she brought to the real thing during her 20-year career at CNN.

In a recent interview with the blog CNN Observations, Ms. Battista said she enjoyed the fake reports, though she admitted: “I wasn’t sure I should do them at first.” She also advised aspiring journalists to “practice journalism, not blogging,” and had some harsh words for her former employer for cutting back on international news:

“How often do you see Christiane Amanpour’s reporting on CNN anymore? Very selectively. Her reports and those of others around the globe used to be daily fare. And CNN has closed a number of bureaus overseas as well. The thinking is that people aren’t interested in international news. I think that’s wrong, especially as the world continues to grow smaller and more inter-connected.”

Entrepeneur Opens Tourist Doors To Mexico

Itching to get some expensive dental work done? In the market for a funky airbrushed velvet painting? Maybe in the mood to knock back dollar shots of tequila in a Juárez cantina and “dance” with the local ladies?

Wait no longer.

After a year of violence and bloodshed in the Mexico border towns, one area man has turned tragedy into profit and opportunity.

“This started from personal interest,” says Naven Johnson. “I used to zip down to Juárez almost every Sunday to pick up various items – like a bag of beans, some mangos, pots, grab a burrito. Stuff like that. Then the bullets started flying and I was like ‘Naw, man.’ ”

Since early 2008 the borderland cities of Juárez, Chihuahua, and Palomas have developed into de-facto war zones with multiple homicides occurring on a daily basis. The conflicts derive from competition between various drug runners jockeying toward first position for smuggling dope into the United States.

“Yeah, well...the obvious answer is for the two governments to legalize and regulate the drug trade, seeing as it’s so blatantly lucrative and increasingly in demand,” stated Johnson. “But The Man profits enormously as it is, so they just call it the “War on Drugs” and make it harder for the average college stoner to score a bag of weed so he can chill on the couch all weekend. Then I was, like, cha-ching!”

Naven Johnson, founder, showing how his patented security vest looks before being covered with an authentic, bulky poncho

Johnson is referring to the brainstorm he had that led him on the path toward safe travel across the border. With a nominal investment in a dozen form-fitting bulletproof vests, shatter-proof helmets designed to fit comfortably under a large sombrero, and pull-on leg guards made of a flexible poly-alloy material - Borderland Securities LLC was born.

Since its inception, Borderland Securities LLC has allowed over 3 dozen individuals to cross the border, do stuff, and return safely. Clients are outfitted with police-grade bulletproof material surrounding the torso, neck, and thighs. In addition to repelling bullets, the material contains a layer of chainmail strong enough to stop a knife blade. Further protective items include a billowy poncho designed to cover the vest, a “typical tourist” sombrero to cover the safety helmet, and various authentic-looking recording devices in the event a kidnapping takes place.

“I’ve designed this costume from top to bottom with all possibilities in mind,” says Johnson. “If you’re walking around in the Juárez mercado and bullets start flying, you’re gonna be ok. And if someone gets stupid and thinks you’d be a worthwhile kidnapping target, they’ll take one look at all the wires and duct tape on your chest and back and think again. No one messes with surveillance equipment, and it looks like the real thing.”

Johnson also provides his clients with a ten-minute “prep session” and gives them a pamphlet filled with handy phrases – such as “Mi familia no tienen dinero” (“My family does not have money”) – to assist them should a challenging situation arise.

Johnson says he also suggests to his American clients to act “drunk and stupid” and carry several $20 bills in their hand because most Mexican vendors and businesses are used to that and will pay no attention, allowing the client to blend in.

Borderland Securities LLC is currently accepting reservations one day in advance as long as enough equipment is in stock. Rental fees are $24 per person for a 24 hour period (with a $500 refundable security deposit if all equipment is returned in good condition and without holes or stains).

“A dollar an hour...” ponders Johnson. “I betcha your life is worth that, right? I figure if someone doesn’t come back after 24 hours they won’t ever be coming back and unfortunately I have to retain the security deposit to cover costs.”

Johnson states he hopes to see the border violence quell as soon as possible.

Throb: Up All Night at Whitey's

See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!

G-Fresh, Throb Columnist

If you’re lookin’ for my follow-up story on the ongoing saga of the Downtown Farmer’s Market, you ain’t gonna find it. That’s old news now and the Skidmark staff has been busy reviewing all the new restaurants in town, including the recent makeover of the one and only Whitey’s.

Located just south of downtown, sitting quietly in the ominous shadow of that one tall building, is one of Las Cruces’ oldest eateries. Whitey’s recently received a fresh new look, not having been remodeled since 1982. I ain’t been there for a few years – not since that one time I picked up a chick at the pool hall across the way and treated her to a midnight omelet. Ay, the memories! But I ain’t like that no more.

It was a late Friday night – I was out doing field research at that cowboy bar and after a few dances things was gettin’ heated up so I take off my hoodie down to my wife beater. This bouncer dude comes right up in my face and points to a sign – No Wife Beaters it says – and then points to the door. I was like “dayam” and wasn’t in the mood for a club shooting, so I split. I was feelin’ munchy and I saw Whitey’s right across the street, so it was a no-brainer.

There were a few punks hanging around a lowrider in the parking lot when I arrived and I ignored them when one yelled “Yo, want some?” to me. Once inside Whitey’s I was quickly seated by my server, José, who tried to interest me in a pre-order of Cheezee Pancake Poppers™. I declined and scanned the menu – the Insomniac® menu – and got the feeling it was created expressly for late night drunks and stoners. I took a quick look around at the other patrons and it made sense: at a nearby table sat a couple of dreadlocked hippies intently building a pyramid out of straws and humming, in the corner sat a woman with a black eye nervously drinking a cup of coffee, and at another table sat a coven of glittery club girls laughing hysterically over a basket of fries.

The menu choices were intense, even for Yours Truly: Pablo’s Party Potachos®, the Phat Daddy Burrito®, Smokin’ Spliff Snackerz®, the Rockin’ Rollin’ Ranch Sundae®, and Screamin’ Cream Cheezers®. Then I see the Pure White Vanilla Milkshake for $5, invented by Whitey’s “Band Of The Month”, the White T’s. I’d like to know what a five-dollar shake tastes like, so when José comes back I order that and some blueberry pancakes.

“Oh, we ain’t got blueberry, man,” laughs José. “This is the ghetto. You got to go to Village Inn for that. But I got strawberry and and chocolate chip.”

I ate this.

I decide to play it safe and order the Hot Beef Chili Steamer®, a double bacon cheeseburger smothered with chili, cheese, and ranch dressing. ($7.99)

My food and shake arrived within a few minutes and I start laughin’ because it looks like a big platter of shit. I was so hungry I didn’t care.

“Dig in, man,” says José. “You want some extra napkins?”

I shovel the food into my gaping maw – it may have looked like crap, but it was delicious. Feelin’ the heat of the chili, I suck down my five-dollar shake to neutralize the fire.

“Goddamn! That’s a pretty fuckin’ good milk shake,” I say when José comes to clear my table. “I don’t know if it’s worth five dollars, but it’s pretty fuckin’ good.”

The bum behind Whitey’s who scared the crap out of me.

I paid my bill, didn’t leave no tip (I don’t believe in tipping), and barely stepped out the front door when my bowels started churning. Hard. I got into panic mode thinkin’ I was about to be sick and ran over to the Dumpster behind the restaurant. This fuckin’ bum jumped out and scared the crap out of me – literally – and I made it over to my car leaving a trail of what, just moments earlier, had been a Hot Beef Chili Steamer®. Yeah, you know this was comin’, but that shit looked the same going in as it looked coming out. Dayam!

I cruised by the next morning to check out my mess and that bum started yelling at me, something about this being his Dumpster. I took a snap of that mofo and split. Wild times, y’all. I give Whitey’s only two stars, probly won’t go back.

What: Whitey’s of ‘Cruces Where: Main Street, across from the plasma donation place When: 24/7/365 Why: Cheap food, open late, caters to drunks

Grand Opening!

Picacho Peak Hills To Offer Public Housing

Special Report: Economic Crisis

Partially constructed home, currently housing 3 families, with permanent bathroom addition

Standing in the face of these troubling economic times, one Las Cruces community is fighting back.

Picacho Peak Hills, once the area's most exclusive and coveted neighborhood, is opening its security gates to welcome low-income families to fill up homes now sitting empty as a result of mortgage foreclosures.

The Picacho Peak Homeowner's Association (PPH-ASS) began brainstorming various solutions several months ago after noticing a steady decrease in monthly dues and finding homes empty and abandoned.

"I was doing my evening visual inspection of everyone's front yards," says PPH-ASS Code Enforcer Jon Stickelmeyer. "And I noticed the Bartholomew residence had three newspapers laying on the driveway, a granola bar wrapper stuck in the bushes, and a small patch of weeds coming up through the rock yard. I knew at that moment something had to be done."

The PPH-ASS team met with City officials for a day-long roundtable session and deliberated for 3 hours over a succession of Starbuck's mocha lattes until a solution was agreed upon.

Our own Fnord Manfredgensinson, Covert Assignment Reporter, was on hand for the afternoon press release where it was announced the City would be allocating public funds to PPH-ASS to support the transition from a wealthy golf club community to a colorful barrio-style neighborhood where everybody is welcome.

Opinions about the upcoming influx of diversity shows mixed feelings amongst current residents.

"This is bullshit. I didn't become a personal injury attorney and pay $450,000 for my 1,200 sq. ft. townhome...to be stuck in some ghetto," says resident Brandt Deegan, a personal injury attorney. "Now there's going to be gangs of thugletts tearing around the clubhouse during our weekly Men's Power-Connect Networking Martini meetings."

To encourage a sense of community, the ritzy clubhouse is going to be repurposed to include a video game room for latchkey children, a satellite welfare office to serve local residents, and a classroom offering evening SSL classes (Spanish as a Second Language) for working professionals. Future plans include converting the ninth green of the golf course into a skateboarding ramp and to erect a smooth concrete wall for youngsters to decorate with cans of spray paint.

"I think it's going to be fun!" stated another resident, an independently-wealthy artist from Sedona who creates art from garbage. "I've been hitting midtown dumpsters to find material for my work, but I'm hoping the shift in demographics will bring a bit of culture to the neighborhood so I can find everything I need right here. In a way, I'm going green by not having to travel!"

Proposed future appearance of the 12th green water hazard (Architectural rendering)

Currently, the abandoned single-family homes are being remodeled to house 2 or 3 families in one structure. What was once a glorious 3,000 sq. ft. pleasure palace for a mortgage banker and his trophy wife will soon provide shelter for at least 18 people spread between three units.

"The City Planners said if we wanted their help, we had to realize that these huge dwellings were a major waste of space and resources. Instead of two people sharing a bathroom, we're soon going to see eight people living in the same amount of space. It makes sense, environmentally-speaking."

There is rumored speculation that if the population of Picacho Peak reaches a certain number, mega-retailer Wal-Mart plans to sponsor a new bus line running directly from the neighborhood to their westside store. The route will be fareless provided that riders reboard the bus at Wal-Mart with at least $50 in merchandise and a receipt to prove the purchase.

Also planned is the razing of the golf course and converting it to fertile farmland, as an irrigation system is already in place. With a predicted average of 5 children per household once the community reaches capacity, producing locally grown food will be imperative to the survival of its residents in addition to the welfare handouts offered by the government.

Rental fees for the new tri-plex units will range from $250 per month up to $450 per month, depending on the number of inhabitants per unit. Those qualifying for Section-8 housing assistance and large families headed by one parent will receive rental vouchers covering 85% of their rent whether they are employed or not.

Current rules and covenants will be slightly modified to accommodate new residents. To be permitted is a maximum of three large dogs per property (to be chained or caged at all times), street corner dumpsters to collect the increased amount of trash, and weapon checkpoints to be manned at all three entryways to ensure the safety of all residents.

Picacho Peak Hills will have an open house reception in February for those interested in becoming a part of the community. Please arrive early, as rental units are expected to fill up quickly. A spot on the waiting list will be offered to latecomers.

City Welcomes "Blitz Busters" Vigilante Group

Get blitzed, get busted.

For the new year, The City is unveiling a dramatic new campaign to discourage the popularity of drunk driving in Southern New Mexico.

The Blitz Busters™, a vigilante group of pissed-off citizens fed up with a broken judicial system, will be hitting the streets this month with a series of new programs unlike anything tried before.

Uli Kunkel and Karl Hungus at their first Blitz Buster™ smackdown

"We're going hardcore," said Uli Kunkel, a nihilist and lead Blitz Buster™. "No more plea bargains, no more useless trials, and no more second/third/fourth/fifth/sixth/seventh/eighth/ninth chances. If our crew catches you boozing it behind the wheel, you're goin' down - and we don't mean downtown."

Autobahn Nagelbett, the Blitz Buster's™ flagship program, will exercise a "no mercy" policy in drunk driving collisions. Drivers found at the scene of car crashes will be administered a quick sobriety test and if found to be under the influence of alcohol will get their ass kicked on the spot. One-vehicle crashes involving poles, mailboxes, or other stationary objects will not be exempt.

Marmot.

"Sometimes the best solutions are time-tested, and it appears the legal circus is not working. If we find you, your ass is grass. If we find you again, we bring the marmot," said Kunkel.

Kunkel is referring to the crew's pet marmot, which has been specially trained to attack any human who appears intoxicated.

New Mexico, struggling with the highest rate of drunk driving crashes in the country, was running out of ideas until the Blitz Busters™ approached The City with an offer to "take care of" the Southern New Mexico area and the growing number of residents with eight, nine, ten, and more DUIs.

The non-profit group is powered by volunteers, lifted pickup trucks, and that 24-hour burrito shop on Missouri. As the campaign gets underway, more volunteers will likely be needed and anyone without a conscience is encouraged to apply. Applicants must furnish their own vehicle, a Kraftwerk CD, and be available to work one Friday or Saturday night each week.

"Based on news stories and police reports, we've found that drunk drivers are actually not very bright and the vast majority of drunk driving arrests occur in a very small window of time," said fellow Blitz Buster™ and nihilist Karl Hungus. "We're going to use that to our advantage, for the greater good."

Weekend signs on Lohman Avenue

Friday and Saturday nights from 11pm to 3am, eastbound Lohman Avenue will be converted to include a drunk driving lane. Signs, orange cones, and flashers will direct drivers to the left lane, designated "Drunk Only". It's expected to attract the dumbest of the dumb.

"You hear about these DUI checkpoints: they're announced in the newspaper and on the radio, complete with date and time," says Hungus, rolling his eyes. "Yet every checkpoint nets a handful of drunks, caught completely by surprise and immediately claiming they've been framed."

The Blitz Busters™ wants to work with the community to eliminate the scourge of bottom feeders and has set up a hotline number for citizens to report drunk drivers and other human nuisances. The number is 800-BLITZ-THIS.

When asked why he organized Blitz Busters™ and if he believed the good of man will overcome the bad, Kunkel replied, "I'm a nihilist. I believe in nothing. We fuck you up."

Animal Rights Advocates Call Shelter 'Holocaust'

For the third Tuesday in a row, area animal rights activists staged a silent demonstration protesting the increasing euthanasia rate of cats and dogs at the local animal shelter.

Wearing animal masks and carrying signs painted with slogans like Eat The Meat, Kill The Breeders, and ASCMV=Treblinka, the demonstrators have been peaceful and do not speak, but have been dispersing flyers, buttons, and stickers to passersby. The group's website is www.lcdeathcamp.com.

Last week, in a move that critics are calling "risky" and "offensive", demonstrators handed out brochures to the public stating the Animal Services Center of the Mesilla Valley (ASCMV) and the New Mexico Holocaust and Intolerance Museum in Albuquerque had joined forces to open a satellite museum in the Las Cruces shelter. The brochure stated the ASCMV was planning to change its name to Treblinka, the infamous World War II Nazi death camp, due to similarities in extermination methods.

The shelter has been frequently branded a "death camp" by the animal rights community, who suggest the solution lies in going to the source of the problem and educating or punishing the people allowing their pets to breed uncontrollably rather than euthanizing dozens of animals every day.

The ASCMV currently processes over 1,200 stray or abandoned animals every month ñ a very small number of which are adopted by area residents. The remainder are put to death by lethal injection or other method within 3 days of capture and buried in a mass grave in the Corralitos landfill.

"We are faced with the fact that there is a massive domestic animal overpopulation problem throughout New Mexico, especially in the Southern Doña Ana County region," explained ASCMV director Seth Tabasco-Mofar. "We believe education is crucial in exterminating the overpopulation problem and ending the killing."

Tabasco-Mofar had to cut our interview short after being informed that "some guy in a Dodge truck" had just dumped a box of 8 pit bull-Chihuahua mix puppies on the front doorstep of the shelter, and because there were no available cages the puppies had to be euthanized immediately.

Last November, the ASCMV came under more scrutiny after a local woman reported her cat missing, later learning the cat had been picked up by the City's "death squad", taken to the shelter, and killed in under five hours.

"I didn't even have the chance to go look for him," cried local woman and former cat owner Dolores Axelrod. "What is this place, like Treblinka or something?"

In another recent incident stemming from a complaint about a dog bite, the "death squad" removed a dog from its owner after it was decided the well-trained 6-year-old pet was actually a wild animal. The dog was euthanized and beheaded so its brain could be tested for rabies in a Santa Fe lab. The test came back negative, along with the cremated remains of the dog.

The City has taken a Catholic stance on the problem by suspending funding for a county-wide spay/neuter program that offered mobile and affordable sterilization services for pet owners unable to pay for private veterinary care. ASCMV is preparing for the predicted increase in abandoned animals by ramping up their euthanasia department to run 24 hours a day and by teaching volunteers how to kill cats and dogs.

The lcdeathcamp.com website outlines some suggestions in controlling the animal overpopulation problem: diligently punishing known animal breeders and hoarders, suspending food stamp benefits for people with pregnant dogs tied to trees on their property, processing the cat and dog meat "Chinese style" for human consumption, and letting stray animals run free so they can learn how to dodge traffic and live off dumpster scraps.

Masonic Big Brother Is Watching, But Seniors Don't Mind

Sensors keep track of just about everything Shirley Player does in her apartment, but she's not worried that Big Brother is watching. Far from it.

"I feel very safe with it," Player said. "It's nice to know you're being watched."

Player is one of 68 residents of the Masonicare retirement community participating in a study that aims to determine whether keeping a technological eye on seniors can help them live longer independently in their own homes.

Player's place has a motion detector in the corner of each room, a sensor on her refrigerator that keeps track of her eating habits, a sensor on the medicine cabinet to see if she's taking her medications on time, and a pressure sensor underneath the mattress of her bed to track her sleeping. There would have been a sensor on the toilet, except that was determined unfeasible for the study during a pilot program this summer.

Player says her greatest worry is remembering to take the sensor on her key chain with her when she leaves her apartment. Otherwise, she said, after about a month she hardly gives the monitoring program a thought. Does she worry about it?

"I never do," she said.

"If it will help somebody else, that's what my goal is," said the 87-year-old Player, who lives at the Masonic Health Care Center independent living complex, in one of the A. Norman Johnson Apartments in Wallingford, Connecticut.

Throb: Farmer's Market. Boooring!

See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!

G-Fresh, Throb Columnist

Part One of a Series:

Knitted dog sweaters. Carved driftwood. Sparkly sun things. Locally grown squashes. Mexican things.

It's all at the Downtown Farmer's & Crafts Market, and we don't need it! That's what I say, anyway.

We all know downtown sucks. It's like dead and all since they tore down the church and plowed the road and planted trees thirty years ago. Just leave it the way it is! The Skidmark sent me on assignment to go get the scoop cuz none of us had even been downtown in our entire lifetimes, except for court dates and that one time I went to Coas bookstore to look for a dictionary (they don't have none).

So I showed up on a Saturday morning around 10, which was tough due to goin' out Friday, if you know what I mean. Dayam, I don't know how these people get up so early. So there was lots of people and I saw all the dried chile stuff, so I started walking around. Suddenly, I was like "What the fuck?" and I looked down and saw I stepped in a pile of dog shit. I was like "Naw, man, this ain't right" and I see all these dogs wearing sweaters and people standing there drinking coffee and talking while these dogs just crap on the sidewalk. Well, I know dogs are the latest thing and all, but this is goin' way too far. Maybe next time I'll bring my two-year old daughter without a diaper so she can unload right on the sidewalk.

I see this guy selling some nuts, someone selling some jelly stuff in jars, and tons of silver & turquoise jewelry. There were some people actually sweating, making popcorn in a big pot, and I see people lined up to buy it!

Ok, newsflash, y'all! All this stuff I saw you can get over at Wal-Mart even cheaper! Seriously, I didn't see nothin' so special and who wants to walk around outside for the same stuff? Last time I checked, you can buy a squash or an apron or some earrings right over there at Wally World. I was laughin' my ass off, so I asked a few people why they were there because I had my press pass with me and here's what they said:

"Well, I guess I come here for the culture. People are happy, the sun is shining. I feel like I'm supporting my neighbors and the local economy by buying items here."

"Because Wal-Mart is sucking the livelihood out of the American people."

"It's fun! I love bringing my dog here, he loves all the attention."

"Um, probably because there's no fat food stamp slobs and Mexicans with 7 kids running around. Wait, are you printing this?" (I told her no!)

"Because the best piñon brittle in the universe is right here."

"Because this is Las Cruces!"

This is kind of the same stuff I heard from everyone I talked to and I got to say it doesn't really make sense because you can still get the same stuff even cheaper at you-know-where. I guess these people don't got brains if they want to spend more money for the same thing.

I heard they was tearing down all the big metal poles along the south part of the Downtown Mall, so I checked it out. Sure enough, it was wide and open and I could see all the storefronts of the buildings as they probably looked forty years ago. I heard next the City will be tearing out all the bricks and laying down a road where Main Street used to be.

But what about the racetrack circling around downtown?!

(To be continued in the next edition of The Skidmark)

City Sues Pain-In-The-Ass Over Name Change

Following a two-year long legal battle with one Las Cruces resident, the City is fighting back.

In 2005, area man Paul Pain-In-The-Ass (PITA) took offense to the use of crosses in the City's logo, as well as the City's name, and filed a lawsuit on behalf of himself to have these items changed to more politically-correct representations for the municipality.

The City's logo, sporting three crosses representing a group of settlers who perished under attack by the Apache Indians in the mid-1800s, includes the tagline "People Helping People." The incident was so monumental to early pioneers they decided to name the city Las Cruces, Spanish for "the crosses".

Despite the historical origin of the symbols and name, PITA, a devout Christian, stated the use of religious connotations on government signs and letterhead was unconstitutional and must be removed.

PITA took his fight all the way to the Supreme Court and won his battle, to the dismay of 89,720 fellow residents who really didn't care and appreciated the historical significance of the name.

As PITA wasn't prepared with a replacement name and logo, the court offerred some suggestions including Northwest El Paso, Truth or Lies, and the play-on-words "Lost Causes".

Proposed politically-correct City logo

PITA submitted his own new City name, "The Sticks," and an updated logo.

"I'm glad I won - I'm doing this for everyone," explains PITA. "I want to keep the historical value of our beautiful valley, but without ramming Christianity down everyone's throat. God bless."

The City's mayor, Haruki Murakami, has filed a countersuit to stand up for the Spanish Catholic influence of the region.

"If he don't like our name, why don't he just move?" said Murakami. "Y tambien, I support his right to sue us, and I support my right to sue him back. I'm here for people, helping people."

To date, PITA's lawsuits have cost the City over $800,000 in legal fees and wasted time. It's been reported that local militias have formed to survey PITA's home and toilet-paper it nightly until he finally just moves away.