Picacho Peak Hills To Offer Public Housing

Special Report: Economic Crisis

Partially constructed home, currently housing 3 families, with permanent bathroom addition

Standing in the face of these troubling economic times, one Las Cruces community is fighting back.

Picacho Peak Hills, once the area's most exclusive and coveted neighborhood, is opening its security gates to welcome low-income families to fill up homes now sitting empty as a result of mortgage foreclosures.

The Picacho Peak Homeowner's Association (PPH-ASS) began brainstorming various solutions several months ago after noticing a steady decrease in monthly dues and finding homes empty and abandoned.

"I was doing my evening visual inspection of everyone's front yards," says PPH-ASS Code Enforcer Jon Stickelmeyer. "And I noticed the Bartholomew residence had three newspapers laying on the driveway, a granola bar wrapper stuck in the bushes, and a small patch of weeds coming up through the rock yard. I knew at that moment something had to be done."

The PPH-ASS team met with City officials for a day-long roundtable session and deliberated for 3 hours over a succession of Starbuck's mocha lattes until a solution was agreed upon.

Our own Fnord Manfredgensinson, Covert Assignment Reporter, was on hand for the afternoon press release where it was announced the City would be allocating public funds to PPH-ASS to support the transition from a wealthy golf club community to a colorful barrio-style neighborhood where everybody is welcome.

Opinions about the upcoming influx of diversity shows mixed feelings amongst current residents.

"This is bullshit. I didn't become a personal injury attorney and pay $450,000 for my 1,200 sq. ft. townhome...to be stuck in some ghetto," says resident Brandt Deegan, a personal injury attorney. "Now there's going to be gangs of thugletts tearing around the clubhouse during our weekly Men's Power-Connect Networking Martini meetings."

To encourage a sense of community, the ritzy clubhouse is going to be repurposed to include a video game room for latchkey children, a satellite welfare office to serve local residents, and a classroom offering evening SSL classes (Spanish as a Second Language) for working professionals. Future plans include converting the ninth green of the golf course into a skateboarding ramp and to erect a smooth concrete wall for youngsters to decorate with cans of spray paint.

"I think it's going to be fun!" stated another resident, an independently-wealthy artist from Sedona who creates art from garbage. "I've been hitting midtown dumpsters to find material for my work, but I'm hoping the shift in demographics will bring a bit of culture to the neighborhood so I can find everything I need right here. In a way, I'm going green by not having to travel!"

Proposed future appearance of the 12th green water hazard (Architectural rendering)

Currently, the abandoned single-family homes are being remodeled to house 2 or 3 families in one structure. What was once a glorious 3,000 sq. ft. pleasure palace for a mortgage banker and his trophy wife will soon provide shelter for at least 18 people spread between three units.

"The City Planners said if we wanted their help, we had to realize that these huge dwellings were a major waste of space and resources. Instead of two people sharing a bathroom, we're soon going to see eight people living in the same amount of space. It makes sense, environmentally-speaking."

There is rumored speculation that if the population of Picacho Peak reaches a certain number, mega-retailer Wal-Mart plans to sponsor a new bus line running directly from the neighborhood to their westside store. The route will be fareless provided that riders reboard the bus at Wal-Mart with at least $50 in merchandise and a receipt to prove the purchase.

Also planned is the razing of the golf course and converting it to fertile farmland, as an irrigation system is already in place. With a predicted average of 5 children per household once the community reaches capacity, producing locally grown food will be imperative to the survival of its residents in addition to the welfare handouts offered by the government.

Rental fees for the new tri-plex units will range from $250 per month up to $450 per month, depending on the number of inhabitants per unit. Those qualifying for Section-8 housing assistance and large families headed by one parent will receive rental vouchers covering 85% of their rent whether they are employed or not.

Current rules and covenants will be slightly modified to accommodate new residents. To be permitted is a maximum of three large dogs per property (to be chained or caged at all times), street corner dumpsters to collect the increased amount of trash, and weapon checkpoints to be manned at all three entryways to ensure the safety of all residents.

Picacho Peak Hills will have an open house reception in February for those interested in becoming a part of the community. Please arrive early, as rental units are expected to fill up quickly. A spot on the waiting list will be offered to latecomers.