See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!
G-Fresh, Throb Columnist
Team Skidmark was stunned to hear the news about the inspection downgrade as we hit that joint with great frequency on our way to the bowling alley every Friday night to load up on those hot-ass chupas huevos or whatever they’re called. Bar food! Hot, greasy, cheap – what’s to complain about?
We sent our Covert Assignment Reporters out to get the beat on the street, ask some questions, and raise some support for the best, biggest burritos in town. You can tickle my pickle if I wasn’t totally bummed out by what we heard and learned from the community and as a news publication we have the responsibility to deliver the results of our investigations in a truthful, unbiased manner.
We set up a poll and asked whoever was walking around to fill it out. Mostly we canvassed gas stations because that’s the only place people get out of their cars and just stand there doing nothing. It was weird because at first most people ignored us or told us to “eff off”, but when we started sayin’ it was an opinion poll about Humberto’s they did a 180 and started writing furiously in the “Extra Comments” section after answering the usual questions about food quality, cleanliness, and service with ratings from 0-10.
According to our poll, 84% of y’all think Humberto’s is a “crap pool” covered by a “deceptively nice” exterior with a “filthy stinky” interior and service that is a “hand full of shit” with a staff comprised of a “rude, condescending clique of cholas” who look at you as if to say “don’t fucken come back”.
Whoa, bro! I mean, who cares about good service? Cheap, greasy food is what we want and they got plenty of it. Thinking back, I ain’t never heard a “thank you” after I buy some grub there, but it don’t bother me. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow, so I started this thing where I just throw a few wadded up dollar bills at the counter girl while blurting out my order en español, she gets my shit in a bag and slides it down the counter in my general direction, and off I go. I’m thinkin’ all these haters need to get off their lily white pedestals and just accept that there’s a new culture of folks that just don’t want to talk to them and be all cordial & shit. Last time I checked it ain’t no crime to be unfriendly.
We heard lots of complaints about the food, too. More crap. From the haters, I mean. If folks want to experience fine gourmet dining, head over to Red Lobster or some shit. A three-buck burrito ain’t supposed to be nothin’ fancy, just make sure it has spicy flavors and no foreign objects rolled into it and I’m happy as pig in shit. I guess all these Cali immigrants want to pretend like they’re walking into some Baja Calamari Bistro Grill with pictures of beach people and fake crabs on the walls and real dishes with metal utensils – so go back home if you miss it so much! Dayam!
We got comments like:
“Trust me, the food is bad. The tortillas were fatty and burnt. The red chile wasn’t exactly red...it was brown and salty. And the green chile wasn’t even hot! My papas weren’t cooked all the way through. Worse, the dining room is unsanitary and a piece of wet ceiling tile found it’s way onto my table.”
“I am still gonna get them burritos tho-DIRTY BUT DELICIOUS!”
“The new breakfast burrito to go, CACA CON QUESO!”
“See you soon dirty but tasty burritos.”
“I got food poisoning from Roberto’s taquitos about 10 years ago. It is still a fresh memory because I have never thrown up so hard and for so long in my life.”
“I used to eat there until I found a live roach crawling on my plate. Freakin gross.”
“Disgusting!”
We actually didn’t get any good comments at all except from some guy who wrote that the tortillas are “ok” and the red chile left a “weird metal taste” in his mouth. That’s what I’m talkin’ about here, and I don’t know why everybody can’t appreciate the authentic Borderland cuisine cooked up at Humberto’s. Nobody even mentions that buying food there can actually save you money, like when I get the chile queso chorizo burrito it’s usually swimming in a pool of spiced grease. So I get a cup and save that shit and mix it with my breakfast huevos the next morning. It’s like getting free cooking oil!
Hungry for burritos, eaters wade through a flood of refried beans moments after the crash
After spending an afternoon bugging people at gas stations we started getting hungry so I arranged for a staff field trip to you know where. We decided to just walk over there because they got this big-ass pothole in the parking lot that my Honda Civic once got stuck in (some homeless guys helped me push it out after this beotch that works behind the counter comes out and starts screaming at me to move my car because it was blocking traffic). So we cross the street and suddenly there’s this CRASH! BANG! and we look up and some dude in his truck is driving right into the front door! I was, like, “Holy shit!” and started yelling at him that the drive-thru was on the other side but he kept on going and crashed into the building. It was totally crazy – I see people screaming, some guy threw a burrito at the truck’s windshield, and I thought the whole building was gonna drop. I ran over and saw all this red & brown crap smeared all over the front of the truck and I thought he nailed someone until I realized he had hit a 30-gallon simmer pot of refried beans. That shit just splattered everywhere!
I quietly left the scene when the cops showed up but returned after a wrecker pulled the truck out of the cavernous hole it created. About five minutes later Humberto taped up some cuidado police tape and flipped the closed sign to abierto. I stepped over the slippery guts of exploded burritos and went inside and that place was packed, yo! See what I’m sayin’? The place was busier than ever, people getting excited about wrecks & disasters like they always do and then hanging around because they want to be part of the scene. Except then my boss whispered to me that he thought the crash was a staged publicity stunt. You know, like everyone’s sayin’ all this rank shit about Humberto’s so he bribes some guy with a case of Coors and tells him to drink the whole thing and then drive over to the restaurant and into the “new drive-thru lane in the front of the building” if he wants a free taco platter and a bag of chips. I was, like, “Whatever, Boss” cause it was my turn in line and the counter chick said “What you want?” so I tossed her my wads and ordered a large chile cheese relleno with extra chile and extra cheese. A couple minutes later I caught my bag of food before it hit the floor and it wasn’t the shit I ordered but I was so hungry I didn’t care. Business as usual at good old Humberto’s!
What: Humberto’s
Where: Along the inner-city Lohmador corridor near that creepy ice cream shop and the car wash where guys hose out the interior of their trucks at 5am on Sunday mornings
When: Open every day ‘til 8, drive-thru open weekends ‘til 3am but only for drunk drivers
Why: Cheap food, open late, caters to drunks
1 comment:
Humberto's = Roberto's??? hahahaha, read all about that. You're right, their food does suck. Tortillas are pretty good.
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