We are proud to announce we blew our monthly budget on beer, pissing away the money needed to print October's Las Cruces Skidmark. Then we got lazy and decided not to do the online version either. Screw it.
We'll be back in November.
October 1, 2008
Team Skidmark is taking a break
September 1, 2008
Condos To Grace Organ Mtn Ridge
Special Report: Economic Progress
Amateur Photoshop artist’s conception of the future Organ Mountain ridge
Condo fever is about to hit town.
We met with John Stickelmeyer, former director of the Downtown Development Team – which has since disbanded after successfully luring Walmart to completely restructure and occupy the entire downtown core. Stickelmeyer, now working as an independent covert liason consultant, was able to show us some architectural renderings of what’s in store for the Mesilla Valley.
“So we was brainstorming various ideas on managing growth...you know, I mean do we keep building out and out into the desert? We researched the megatropolis of Phoenix, which 50 years ago was about the size ‘Cruces is today, and decided it’s pretty much an overcrowded, dirty, volatile pressure cooker that is liable to explode in the near future. And it smells like shit, especially in the East Valley.” Stickelmeyer, drinking a glass of Kool-Aid, added, “We want ‘Cruces to be totally different than the other southwestern metros.”
Dutifully following the current construction trends of every other sizable American city, Las Cruces also plans to stimulate growth with the rapid erection of multi-story condominium towers. Due to the lack of a lively city center, the development will be breaking ground (rock) along the craggy ridge of the Organ Mountains using the city-owned Dildozer, providing future residents with extreme privacy, spectacular views of an endless desert wasteland, and occasional sneak-peeks at missile detonations and other war games at The Range.
Stickelmeyer has been meeting with the condo tycoons, who feel the construction of comically overpriced tenement towers for wealthy white people will create an economic boom for Las Cruces.
Coffee giant Starbucks has already secured locations along the side of the ridge, at both ends of the Sun Tunnel (which provides a direct route to the missile range), and plans to have smaller satellite stores peppered throughout each tower; McDonald’s plans to erect the largest Golden Arches in the world, visible from Deming to Alamogordo; and a new golf course is slated to raze over 800 acres of pristine desert and eventually deplete the East Mesa aquifer.
Project planners are debating how to handle the incessantly growing wall of graffiti defacing the lower west side of the range, nicknamed Tag Tor. Continued removal is pointless and expensive, so it may be promoted as a new “Art Park” with an ever-changing display of spray painted craftwork.
“The developers want to promote ad nauseum how earth-friendly the new community will be. You know, all that carbon footprint bullshit and how compacting residents into shoebox-size concrete bunkers 18 stories tall is going to save the world,” said Stickelmeyer.
Condo units (aka studio apartments) in the proposed Flatblock 18A-Linear North tower will start at $499,000 for a luxurious 200 sq. feet of living space. Monthly resident membership dues are expected to be around $500, which covers eco-friendly amenities such as use of the unicycle-powered elevator, access to the rooftop clotheslines and putt-putt range, Tunnel Tomb® car parking, and solar-powered tanning beds. A graywater swimming pool, located on the ground floor, will be perpetually replenished with residents’ filtered dirty dish water.
To maintain condo community standards, the developers will be targeting potential buyers within the following demographics:
- White
- Independently wealthy
- Drive Lexus RX 400h Hybrid
- Visit Starbucks at least twice daily
- Yoga every morning
- Buy organic produce at Toucan Market
Children, dogs (except poodles & chihuahuas), hanging wet towels on the balconies, and vehicles costing less than $40K will not permitted in the community.
For information on being among the privileged few to snap up a brand new condo or be lucky enough to get on a waiting list, look for the full page ads to appear in Las Cruces Sun News in coming months.
Study Hints Kids Now At Their Fattest
LAS CRUCES—The percentage of ‘Crucen children who are overweight or obese appears to have leveled off after a 25-year increase, according to new figures that offer a glimmer of hope in an otherwise dismal battle.
“This is a first encouraging finding in what has been unremittingly bad news,” said Dr. Fatblaster, director of the obesity clinic at the hospital. “But it’s too soon to know if this really means we’re beginning to make meaningful inroads into this epidemic. It may simply be a statistical fluke.”
Since 2003, roughly 32 percent of children were chubby but not blubby, 16 percent were blubby, and 11 percent were fucking fat, according to a study by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Those levels held steady after rising without interruption since 1980.
“We’ve really been mystified as to why so many kids are getting outrageously obese,” said the head chef at the Las Cruces Public Schools Culinary Kitchen, Rachel Ray. “The public school system is firmly committed to providing nutritious foodstuffs to all of our little angels and we ensure each and every meal contains a deep-fried meat product stuffed with cheese, a serving of vegetables smothered with cheese, fluffy white bread, a slice of cheesecake for those with a sweet tooth, and a pint of milk. We also offer a fruit-flavored beverage for children who do not like to drink the milk of another species.”
“We follow the government’s recommended food pyramid to a tee,” added Ray, “so we’re truly bewildered with the abundance of all these little gundyguts waddling around.”
Some people say that if the cellulite climax is real, it could be because some parents and children have discovered “alternative” eating habits and are engaging in an activity called “exercise.”
Che Gordo inhaling his final McDonald’s Happy Meal.
Gordo decided to change the way her family eats by simply eliminating all dairy foods, avoiding products that contain high-fructose corn syrup (a cheap, nutritionless sweetener used excessively in place of sugar), and serving normal-size portions during meal times. She states finding foods that do not contain some form of cow’s milk was “nearly impossible,” so was forced to buy items in their natural state and prepare her own food, as people have for eons.
“I started looking at labels on food packages,” said Gordo. “Dry cereals, crackers, bread, and even non-dairy coffee creamer – all that shit has milk in it. They call it ‘casein’ in the ingredient list.”
Gordo adds that in the two weeks since banning dairy products in her family’s diet, Che has lost 12 pounds and his perpetually snotty nose has stopped running. The family also utilizes the multi-use path along the Rio Grande four evenings a week, where they can walk, run, and ride bikes without dealing with asshole motorists. The Gordos have also ceased viewing any television programming that is sponsored by corporate advertising.
“TV is nothing but ads for cheap-quality crap and junk food, so we just pulled the plug and started reading books from the library and playing trivia online,” said Gordo. “Che was excited after he discovered Wikipedia and began editing various articles.”
The full impact of the childhood epidemic will continue to mount in coming years, because it can take many years for obesity-related complications to translate into life-threatening events, including heart attacks and kidney failure. Additionally, most fat kids start breeding more of their own kind before their 20th birthdays so they can get into the welfare system as soon as possible.
Dr. Fatblaster says “Las Cruces should be congratulated” if the rates have in fact peaked, because up until now Southern New Mexico has produced the fattest kids in the America, and such as, in addition to leading the herd with the most teenage pregnancies, a phenomenon he calls “Stupid Babies Having Stupider Babies.”
“There is a small group of people going against the grain and back to basics,” Fatblaster said. “Some rogue schools are even getting all wild and crazy by providing better meals with fresh, low-fat foods and increasing physical education.”
He noted that he recently treated a young fatty “who in three days did not have a single piece of fresh fruit.” He states she was stunned to learn that her breakfast of Wild Wacky Fruity Loco Puffs, Rockin’ Razzleberry Toaster Tarts, and a quart of Tang orange-flavor drink did not actually contain any fruit.
“We still have a long way to go,” he said. “If parents completely eliminated dairy products from their children’s diets for a 30-day trial, they’d be amazed at how quickly the blubber burns off and resolves a number of health problems, such as asthma, respiratory mucus, and even death (SIDS).
Homeland Security: All Your Laptops Are Belong To Us
The Washington Post reports: Federal agents may take a traveler’s laptop or other electronic device to an off-site location for an unspecified period of time without any suspicion of wrongdoing, as part of border search policies the Department of Homeland Security recently disclosed.
Also, officials may share copies of the laptop’s contents with other agencies and private entities for language translation, data decryption, or other reasons, according to the policies, dated July 16 and issued by two DHS agencies, U.S. Customs and Border Protection and U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
The DHS claims it’s protecting against terrorist, drug smugglers, people sneaking kiddie porn into the country, and people violating copyright and trademark laws. Questions: Is this behavior by bad guys common? Common enough to warrant the expenditure of work, tax dollars, and infringement on people’s privacy that these measures call for? And how are the border guards going to recognize trademark and copyright infringement when they see it? How are they going to distinguish a stash of legally ripped MP3s from pirated music? What kind of training do the border guards get in intellectual property law?
In the name of protecting America, the TSA has demonstrated a lack of respect for the privacy, property, and dignity of Americans, with recent behavior including taking out nipple rings, pantsing amputees, and confiscating a homemade battery that looked like a bomb – then bragging about it. The DHS simply cannot be trusted with the authority to confiscate electronics anywhere, at any time, for any reason, at any border crossing in America.
Community Wins Uncoveted “Worst Of The Web” Award
Websites were judged based on pre-Web 2.0 criteria including scrolling marquees, animated GIFs, beveled text effects, automatic music that can’t be turned off, and web pages laid out entirely in Microsoft Word.
“We let the people decide,” said PHP programmer Clive Pompousass, “and the consensus was Las Cruces had the most tacky websites per capita.”
Pompousass stated the tie-breaker was the abundance of grainy and blurry pictures of the Organ Mountains used as header images, particularly on real estate websites.
“We calculated over 89% of Las Cruces area websites were in violation of W3C validation standards, used inline styles and the deprecated font tag, and did not render properly on modern browsers. Additionally, a large number of business sites were created with ‘AOL Geocities Easy Builder Website Tonight’ and had dated information on their homepage from several years ago.”
The WWC suggests if a company can’t handle keeping their site current and giving it a fresh look, it’s better to just get it offline and spare potential visitors the agony.
Future 40-year old virgin, Daniel Norton.
1-800-PIT-BULL
Public Service Announcement
- Lack of owner interactivity with the pit bull, other than yelling at it to "sic 'em" or "shut the fuck up"
- Enclosed in a derelict dirt backyard full of broken junk with virtually no shade or shelter
- Seeing the pit bull stranded on a small patch of higher ground as the summer monsoons turn its enclosure into a mud pit
- Missing an eye
- Barking incessantly for 2-3 hours every night for no reason whatsoever
- Snarling at anyone who comes within 100 feet of its territory, including next-door neighbors prevented from enjoying their own backyards
- Chained to a gas pipe or dead tree
Until the new hotline goes into effect, concerned residents are urged to report abused pit bulls and other less prevalent dogs to the City Animal Control Department at 526-0795 or 528-4100.
Throb: Good Grub, Stupid Prices, Sucky Service
See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!
G-Fresh, Throb Columnist
The IDC is a nice place. Almost “too nice” for ‘Cruces, if ya know what I mean. The furnishings aren’t made of plastic and they have fancy Egyptian mummy stuff decorating the walls. I was mesmerized by a big wide screen TV above the counter until I looked around and realized the TV was just showing still shots of the restaurant itself. Vain!
I said NO yogurt sauce.
For purposes of this review, I ordered the same thing as always: a falafel wrap for $4.79. I took a gamble and asked the cashier (hot young chick, like all the workers there) if she could replace the squirt of yogurt sauce for a smear of hummus. “Um, that’s like an extra dollar,” said the girl. And I was like, “Dayam!” So I said forget it and told her to make it without the yogurt. I also ordered their large bowl of lentil soup for $3.59 cuz they don’t have a smaller cup for cheap. You can’t go wrong with soup, right?
I was hungover from last night, so I also ordered a cuppa for $1.59. I got a mug 3/4 full with coffee grounds floating all over the top and I was like “WTF?” She said they just ran out of coffee and if I want she can add a shot of espresso to fill it up. I was like, no, and I asked for a splash of soy milk instead of dairy creamer. “Um, it’s an extra dollar,” she said. I snorted smugly, just shaking my head over such a retail robbery, and decided to drink my gritty coffee black. They don’t have free refills on the coffee, so if you want a little bit more you just have to buy another cup.
Dogs at restaurants suck.
VERDICT: My falafel wrap was drenched with yogurt sauce, as unrequested. This is like the sixth time now. I complained about it before and once they offered to make me a new wrap, but I don’t play like that because then the kitchen staff puts stuff on the new food. So I took the whole thing apart and scraped off all the creamy crap and quickly threw it in the fountain. The falafel balls were pretty tasty, but the lettuce was limp; all I could think about was the diarrhea that would probably rush through me in a couple of hours (it did). The “large bowl” of lentil soup I ordered reminded me of the time I went to that Phish concert and the only beer for sale was Miller Light in “Super Jumbo” size cups for $5, but they were just regular 12 ounce cups filled with piss-poor beer. False advertising, dudes. The soup was foshizzle fine, but then again I ain’t never had a bad bowl of soup in my life cuz I don’t think it’s possible to fuck up soup.
When I got home, I checked out their website as part of my field research. It’s one of very few websites in ‘Cruces that don’t look like total crap, but it was full of mistakes. First off, all the food prices were like two years old and each about a buck less than what I had just paid. I figured that’s just a result of Mañana Mood, and they’ll update the 411 when they feel like it. But then I saw all these spelling errors – chiken, babaghanoudj, estern, mronig, lattuce, cambo, cofee – and I was like “no ways!” Workin’ in the publication biz I catch these bombs all the time and it makes a writer look pretty retarded when they don’t use the spell chekc.
WHERE: Las Cruces, New Mexico
WHEN: Mon 9:15am-6:10pm, Tues 8am-1:40am, Wed Noon-Midnight, Thurs CLOSED, Fri-Sun 23 HOURS. Closed on Groundhog Day.
WHY: Only place in town that don’t serve hamburgers or burritos
'Cruces Shopper: September '08
FUN PARTY LIFE at Casa Pendejo Apartments. Close to NMSU and Starbucks. Wake up at 7:55 and make it to your 8AM class! Resident convenience store with pharmacy, private hot tub rental, discotheque. All units come with front & back door. No deposit for students or Section-8. 555-5555
CATCH THE SKIDMARK and smell the roses! Available monthly at select Las Cruces locations and always online at www.lcskidmark.com
NUTS ARE COMING and you know you want them! World-famous “Poocans” grown right here in LC beside sewage filtration plant. All natural, all organic, special nutty flavor. Packed in toilet shaped tin, great gift idea! Visit www.freshlcpoocans.com to order.
CHEAP BEER BOTTLES for sale. Collector items, all brands, mostly Bud. Several hundred, empty. Build a sparkling pyramid or glass wall. No recycling, can’t bear to send them to landfill. Billy Bob 555-5555
YOU WANT IT we got it. Give some to your friends or display it at your business and attract the coolest people in town! Fun! Free! Order some Skidmarks today by emailing bob@lcskidmark.com
SUPER DVD SALE at the library. Scratched, scuffed, might play, might not. $5 each, help support the literary community
NEED FAT GUYS to beat the crap out of people at local concerts. Must be huge and intimidating, no education required. Contact Trendy Tune Promotions and start kicking ass tonight! 555-5555
YOUNG CHIHUAHUA FEEDERS perfect for training attack dogs. Cheap. Call Mula 555-5555
BIG BLACK PENIS truck for sale. Lifted, decked, 6 wheels, super-duty V-12 hemi turbo, 8mpg, flames painted on sides. Tight. Got fired, can’t afford gas. Call Butch 555-5555
ADOPT A SIDEWALK Community Action Group now forming to take back public walkways and make them nice. Sign up for your block and make it passable once again. www.savelcsidewalks.com
ADORABLE SWEET CHEEKS DIAPER CAKE (MADE FROM DIAPERS) FOR BABY SHOWER CENTERPIECE OR GIFT GIVING!! I CAN DESIGN ANY THEME, SIZE OR COLOR COMBINATIONS. SIMPLE OR EXTREMELY ELEGANT! CALL NOT-MARTHA 555-5555
UPDATE YOUR WWW to lcskidmark.com. We scrounged up the 9 bucks for our very own domain name. Bookmark it now.
RIO GRANDE WATER Fresh, delicious water in convenient 2 oz. “One Sip” disposable bottles. Perfect for home or work, save the hassle of filling a glass from the faucet. Water sourced and filtered upstream from sewage sludge release. A buck a bottle, visit www.riograndewatersuckers.org
BEAT THE SYSTEM Free seminar teaches you how to embezzle funds, host dog fighting competitions, get multiple DUIs, falsely receive welfare benefits, and much more WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE! Everyone else is doing it, let us show you how. Contact Las Cruces Chamber of Crime 555-5555
ORDER A CONDO and live even higher than the people “down there” on The Hill. Custom condos with an Organ Mountain address. Hot! Visit www.overpricedshoeboxcondos.com for info.
TOUGH GIRL WANTED to be my bitch. You got tats, rings, plugs, sweet ride, smart lip? Cool, me too. Let’s hook up and be domestically violent together. Call Darren 555-5555
NEW ENGLISH CLASSES Learn the new speak so u can sound as dumb as the rest. A must 4 teachers. Immerse urself in Texting Internet Slang. 555-5555
June 1, 2008
Put On The Glasses! Put On The Glasses!
SPECIAL REPORT:
Editorial & Voting Guide
By Fnord Manfredgensinson,
Covert Assignment Reporter
Ever get the feeling that there’s something rotten in America? Maybe you don’t feel as free as you’re supposed to be? Perhaps you’ve noticed the American Dream is only something people on TV are living? If that’s you, then you need to put on the glasses.Editorial & Voting Guide
By Fnord Manfredgensinson,
Covert Assignment Reporter
It’s election time. There’s a lot of people who want you to know they care about you. They want to do a whole bunch for you, too, if you do something for them. If you vote for any particular individual they will make sure, for example, to keep the queers from getting married. They’ll make sure you are safe at night. They’ll make sure that the Evil Empires on this earth are kept at bay. Then, when you’re not looking, they’ll cut taxes for their wealthy friends; give themselves raises; drive the US dollar into the ground; stand by while corporations embezzle your pensions; ship your jobs overseas; privatize the military; and suspend your natural rights as people one-by-one until one day we citizens no longer own the country but are owned by our country.
Kind of sounds un-American of our elected representatives, right? If you feel that way about their behavior, you’re on to something. And if you don’t feel that way, just ask yourself: how much could you possibly have in common with a handful of millionaire, high-society, inbred, ivy league, old-money campaign financed know-it-alls? And how much could they possibly have in common with you?
The real Hillary Clinton through the looking glasses. We’d do Monica too!
Think that’s un-American?
A couple of days ago The Skidmark team made an important discovery.
An anonymous source gave us a box of what appear to be normal cheapo spectacles. Our source said he found them in the dumpster behind Las Cruces Biologicals while he was looking for a gift for his sick aunt. While most of them went for sale on e-bay, he generously donated the few that remained to The Skidmark in exchange for a case of Monster Energy Drink and a carton of Red Apples. What began as joke to us – wearing them about the office while we laughed about helping a stinking homeless construction worker with a very aggressive mullet – soon became a life changing event. We realized he had discovered something big. It’s our duty to report the truth, and the best way we can bring you the truth is for you to put on the glasses! Wear them and see for yourself.
Here’s Johnny! Old John “Rugburn” McCain: wants eternal war über alles!
We believe they are aliens. They Live, among us, unknown to us. We work alongside them and go to school with them. They often portray and uphold a higher status than we do. They tell us how we ought to behave, what to buy, and who to believe. They constantly revise the truths we are told and repeat these messages over and over on the news. They control our thoughts by repeating lies until we believe them. They use tactics, ignoring important events and issues while they flood us with trivial thoughts and glamour. They condescend to act in our best interests when they want something from us: money, votes, approval, or sheepish indifference.
A snapshot of typical water-cooler behavior of the Alien scum. Note the casual manner in which they greet others like them.
The messages they send us in our daily news are all advertisements. The news is there to tell us to “buy more stuff” or “look at what your neighbor owns”. They pit us against one another based on our beliefs, cares, and religious or political preferences. They encourage us to fear others of different skin colors, nationalities, upbringings, or spoken languages. They treat us like morons. But when it’s time to pay taxes we’re all the same. And when things are really bad they often give us a little present to give back to them, like an economic stimulus check. Then we’re supposed to go shopping and forget how messed up the world is. But it’s not messed up. Everything is really just fine and dandy. We no longer have to think or worry because there are people to do it for us. Good people who have their best interests at heart for us little people. And the good news is we can vote for our favorite alien in just a few months!
Now, in case you were too busy watching Survivor or American Idol for the last eight years – if anyone tells you that an election can be stolen they’re just sore losers. Computers today are totally perfect and too smart to let that happen. So when you vote this time you can bet that it will count.
Just remember that at The Skidmark, we don’t care who you vote for or why. We just want you to be as confused and angry as possible when you do. We recommend you vote for the person who wants to kill the most people if they “have to”, or vote for the person with the most ties to corporations so they can make billions and you can make an extra buck-o-five in stock dividends.
Try to vote for anyone who wants to reinstate the draft so your kids will serve their country and have a future, while the neighbor’s kids will get blown to bits before they are old enough to drink a beer. Remember, nothing will happen to your kids because no one will let that happen – not even the president. Remember: freedom is worth fighting for, but no one should have the choice whether they should fight or not. The only best way to serve our country is to fight someone else for it. If we keep having the choice to serve in the military, then we won’t have any freedom left to fight for.
We also recommend you vote for the person who wants to spend the most money on rebuilding the infrastructure of a foreign country, that, if you’re lucky, you’ll never set foot on because it’s way too dangerous and full of poor people whose sole purpose in life is to blow it all up without so much as a thank you. This is actually very smart of our representatives, because they know all that cement they lay is going to trickle down back to our Homeland and fix our roads and bridges – that way we won’t have to do the work and we’ll save money. Besides, those people are too poor for maps. If we didn’t rebuild everything they wouldn’t know where the new Walmart was.
We also recommend you vote for the person who wants to fight the most countries at one time while they take away our right to own guns because they might fall into the wrong hands.
We encourage you to vote for the person who will cut the most pork out of the budget, specifically cutting money for stuff to help poor or stupid people get any learning from. We all know they should spend that money on jails where poor and stupid people belong in the first place, so that the people who have money for the art and books and stuff will be our children who get them from their college bookstores or high school libraries. We also need to save money for the really important things like high school athletic equipment. Then all students will have a chance to get college scholarships so they won’t have to go to jail. We should stop spending money on any social services, welfare, or health care because people just take advantage of it. Just imagine: if we all had universal health care we paid for out of our taxable incomes, we’d totally take advantage of it.
When you vote, think of which alien you most want to see burning in hell and then vote for the other candidate. This helps because voting is confusing and there’s just so much information to remember. So many issues! Vote for the prettiest candidate, too, or the one who says the fewest big words. You can bet they’re more honest. Voting for the candidate you would most like to be is another way you can cut through the red tape. If the computerized voting machine seems too intimidating in its sheer perfection or there are just too many buttons, get someone to help you or even vote for you. All you have to do is stand aside while they punch the buttons.
And don’t forget, voting day is always every four years on Wednesday. Sure there are people who go on Tuesday, but it’s just a training exercise--like a test run. You wouldn’t want to show up to vote on a broken machine, would you? Vote on Wednesday when your vote will count!
Envision the totalitarian state of the America! Fuck yeah!
City Adopts Color Coded Trash Bins
Stemming from a flood of complaints from three area residents, the City’s solid waste department is planning to unfold a brand new refuse collection program based on the successful color-coded label system used by several environmentally conscious communites around the United States. The program will be the first of its kind in Southern New Mexico.
Local woman Moonshine Freespirit was fed up paying for a service she did not use. “I was getting billed fifteen bucks a month for garbage I don’t have; it takes my household at least 8 weeks to fill up that big 96-gallon trash container. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’m getting ripped off – especially when I see all my neighbors with overflowing trash cans full of greasy pizza boxes, broken toys, and beer cans week after fucking week paying the same fee.”
Freespirit is referring to the City’s mandatory rule which requires residential properties within the city limits to pay a monthly fee for refuse collection. The current fee is $15.82 per month and includes weekly pickup of the 96-gallon trash containers, plus a biweekly Grappler “Takin’ It To The Street” pickup for bulky items that will not fit into the container, like stained mattresses and sun-warped plastic lawn toys.
Moonshine and her life partner, Honeymead Porter, decided to do something about it. Both hailing from Colorado Springs, they recalled the trash pickup system instituted there in 2002 after the city was unable to keep up with the massive amounts of garbage generated by its exploding population, particularly the huge emigration of Californian Cash-outs.
“They set up a three-tiered system based on how much waste people produce and charging them accordingly. By sticking the appropriate colored decal on your curbside bin, the garbage man could see instantly which bins to pick up on his route.”
Moonshine explained that households who ordered once- or twice-weekly trash pickup received American flag decals to express their patriotism; bi-weekly customers received plain red decals; those who opted for the monthly pickup received green decals of a tree with a smiley face; and fees were set at a simple $10 per pickup, paid on a monthly basis. The City of Las Cruces plans to copy this concept.
Said Porter, “Some people in Colorado Springs were so environmentally conscious they didn’t even have enough trash to justify a monthly pickup, so the city let them opt out of refuse collection entirely. I knew one guy who went to the county landfill with a Hefty bag just twice a year because he recycled or reused nearly all of his waste materials like glass jars and paperboard, and he didn’t buy plastic crap from China at the dollar store that broke after one use. All that shit just gets buried forever, ya know?”
Just north of Tucson, Arizona, the city of Marana has adopted a similar program to manage garbage.
“A majority of our residents are young families with at least one SUV parked in the driveway and soccer-playing children. For these residents, a weekly pickup of 96 gallons of garbage just wasn’t enough. People were complaining because coyotes were tearing into all the extra garbage bags stacked around the trash containers and scattering feces-smeared disposable diapers around the neighborhood,” said Marana Solid Waste spokesperson Frito Pendejo.
“A small percentage of our residents signed up for the colored decal system, but in addition to that we offered families the option to lease dumpsters for a weekly fee of $100. If they want to generate more waste in one week than someone in, say, Japan, generates in an entire year, then they should pay for its burial. Residents initially balked at the cost, but it’s working. Residents are now competing with each other to overfill their dumpsters as a display of wealth. Everyone is happy and some homes have even painted their dumpsters with Southwest icons like kokopelli and cactus to make them more attractive. It’s all about having freedom in this great land of ours.”
Freespirit and Porter presented the concept at a recent City Council meeting, which was unanimously approved after surveying trash output around Las Cruces on garbage pickup day and crunching some numbers. City representative Hank Hangman explained the quick decision. “Roughly 94% of residences we surveyed had garbage spilling out of their 96-gallon bins, absolutely filled to capacity in only seven days. Now, we could keep encouraging residents to bring their recyclable items to the bins at Walmart, but it’s like beating a dead horse. We rifled through a number of random trash containers and found that an average of 76% of the refuse consisted of Budweiser beer cans and plastic soda bottles, both of which are accepted at recycling centers around Las Cruces. What this means is most people prefer to throw everything in the garbage, and we want to accommodate that. For a fee.”
Las Cruces has no plans to offer residential dumpster service yet, but states it has been penciled in on the Vision 2040 plan for the next 35 years as the quality of manufactured goods made in China continues to decline and enters the waste stream more quickly.
All residents who currently have solid waste pickup services from the City will receive more information about the new color-coding program with their next monthly bill.
Local Woman Sued For Drying Laundry
Buffy Fairweather is trying to go green.
No.
“I came to realize it made absolutely no sense to put my laundry into the clothes dryer when nature could do it for free,” says Buffy. “I stopped buying that ‘Clothesline Fresh’ fabric softener because I was getting the same result by actually hanging my laundry out to dry on a clothesline. For free.”
Buffy is referring to a recent discovery that proves wet clothing will dry – and dry quickly – if left to hang outside for about an hour, and it costs nothing. The craze has been sweeping the nation and clotheslines have been popping up from coast to coast, including the Southern New Mexico region. People in colder climates have found that utilizing indoor clothes racks or hanging wet clothes on hangers seems to work just as well.
Unfortunately, Buffy currently rents a house in the Picacho Peak subdivision and the Homeowner’s Association does not share her enthusiasm for trying to protect the environment.
Think of the children.
“We also had a few complaints from concerned parents who didn’t think it was safe for their children to see Mr. Fairweather’s boxer shorts hanging outside for the world to see. We decided it was in the best interest of the children in our community to protect them from such vile experiences and are taking legal action against Ms. Fairweather to rectify the situation.”
Two weeks ago, Buffy received a subpoena from the Picacho Peak Homeowner’s Association (PPH-ASS) informing her that she has been slapped with a lawsuit for failure to comply with the strict HOA rules. The lawsuit is seeking a total of $10,000; $2,028 of that is for the Fairweather’s annual cost for the honor of living in PPH-ASS, and the remainder is to cover predicted expenses involving the forceful eviction of the Fairweather family.
“In Section 88, Clause 982 of our Rules & Covenants manifesto it clearly states that residents may not display unsightly items on their property, and that includes laundry on a clothesline,” said PPH-ASS. “In an effort to make everyone happy and to create a fake community such as Pleasantville or Stepford, we also forbid the presence of recycling bins, uncoordinated mini-blinds and draperies visible from the street, and vegetable gardens.”
Buffy states she had no idea of the bullshit she now has to deal with. “We just rent this place, we don’t own it. Our landlord lives in Santa Fe and we’ve never actually met him. We just send him a rent check every month and it’s cool. We only wash clothes that that are visibly dirty or stinky, so we only do laundry about once a month. Now we’re being criminalized for going green. Fuck that.”
Buffy says she plans to fight the charges in court and urge PPH-ASS to allow more freedom to its residents. If she loses the case and is evicted, she intends to steal several golf carts from the country club and sell them for cash to cover her moving expenses.
