Most Motorists Fined, Mayor Visits Japan

New “public safety” traffic cameras in use along Lohman Avenue

Smile, you’re on camera!

Last month marked another milestone in history as The City installed several traffic cameras to monitor and record motorists in their daily frenzy – a move introduced by city planners under the gentle guise of public safety and loosely modeled after the quaint beginnings of England’s wildly popular CCTV observation booths.

“We were unexpectedly contacted by a company providing digital observation services,” states Mayor Ricardo Hirohito. “After reviewing the information they sold us it was just a no brainer. The people need this and they will get it.”

Te Watcho Security Services, with a Phoenix mailing address but based in the UK, works closely with communities in the desert Southwest to improve the quality of life for all residents.

Specializing in traffic cameras, the company also offers a range of services including fingerprint clearance systems, retina scans, DNA databases, and microchip technologies.

Local authorities were pleasantly surprised with the positive amount of negative activity during a three-week long evaluation period following the cameras’ installation.

“It looks like we busted the entire city!” said Mayor Hirohito, laughing. “Of course, we want to keep the public safe and will use the collected fines to go toward more public safety programs (and more cameras).”

During the first three weeks of operation the camera sensors recorded over 35,000 infractions including using a cell phone, applying makeup while driving, and jaywalking.

The sensors are precisely calibrated to be dead-on-balls accurate within 1/1000th of absolute perfection and are currently programmed to cite the following activities:

• Driving at least 1 mph over the posted speed limit

• Doing anything other than driving while operating a vehicle (eg: eating pretzels, less than two hands on the steering wheel, changing the radio station, talking to your passenger, smiling, laughing, etc.)

• Using a cell phone in any way, shape, or form

• Looking to the side instead of directly forward

• Flipping off the cameras

• Playing music above “volume level 3”

• Being in the crosswalk when the red hand is flashing

• And much more

The cameras are capable of detecting even the faintest of cellular phone signals, mapping the signal to the subscriber, recording any verbal or textual communication, and saving it to the national database.

In addition to motorists, the cameras are also monitoring pedestrians who are not crossing the street correctly or who seem to be walking without purpose. Crosswalk buttons have been outfitted with fingerprint identification sensors and will add all walkers to a database to investigate why that particular individual doesn’t have a car.

“I heard about these camera things and I’m not sure what to do,” whined area man Raymond Babbitt. “It’s confusing – I’m an excellent driver and I already got 3 tickets.”

New traffic light system installed at the “Five Pointed Star of Death” intersection

Te Watcho began issuing citations and mailing tickets last week to the tune of $150 each. The company is predicting a pay-up rate of around 97% – roughly the same percentage of the population who sheepishly obey the laws and do not offer any resistance whatsoever. Preliminary calculations show that $1.3 million worth of citations have already been issued.

Upon hearing of the success of the public safety program, Mayor Hirohito was quickly scheduled on a two-week, all-expenses-paid diplomatic excursion to Japan to evaluate the incomparable efficiency and cleanliness of the most densely populated place on the planet.

Mayor Hirohito remarked on the geniune kindness of the Japanese people and that most of them spoke English, allowing him multiple opportunities to experience the local customs of playing pachinko all night and drinking beer from a bucket.

“I was deeply immersed in the Japanese culture and I thank the residents of Las Cruces for giving me the opportunity. I have brought back with me the knowledge and understand that we will never, ever even come close to the sustainable urban development and technological wonders that are a part of everyday life in Japan.”

Mayor Hirohito says he plans to “return to Japan as soon as possible” to conduct further diplomatic research and to find a match for a sister city to Las Cruces.

Motorist fraud and basic human cleverness has already been factored into the cameras’ computer programs and should eliminate any incidence of error. An investigation has been closed on area man Paul Pain-In-The-Ass (PITA), who previously sued The City twice because he was offended by its name and logo and more recently sued them for a third time after claiming he received 89 traffic tickets in under a week. Police determined that photographs of PITA’s license plate were copied, distributed, and adhered to numerous vehicles throughout the city in an attempt to outsmart the traffic cameras and get PITA in trouble. PITA has been cleared of any wrongdoing and is now pursuing another lawsuit against The City regarding the offensive use of bilingual road signs.

Children Sickened During Vado Field Trip

Last Tuesday approximately eighteen children and three teachers were airlifted to Thomason Hospital in El Paso after being overcome by toxic fumes at a Vado dairy farm. One child remains in a coma in critical condition.

What was supposed to be an exciting educational excursion for the third grade class at Somos Ricos Elementary School turned into a disaster as students started collapsing only minutes after arriving at the farm, Las Leches Marrónes, Inc.

One cow also collapsed and died during the field trip after being overcome by the stench of its own waste.

The fieldtrip, called Kidz Krazy Kows, initially worried some parents due to concerns about Mad Cow Disease. Parents were assured all precautions would be taken to limit the children’s exposure to any diseases or toxins.

Gas masks were reportedly issued to visitors upon arrival but there were not enough to go around. The children wearing the gas masks were unaffected.

Investigative teams from the EPA, FDA, and ICE were called in to survey the scene and detected atrociously high levels of toxic methane gas, ammonia fumes, fertilizer pollution, and fetid basins of standing water.

“We wanted the children to see first-hand where their milk came from,” said school principal Dick Johnson. “The kids just think their pint of chocolate milk comes from the store, but we felt it was important to show them the real deal – the hundreds of cows crammed into shadeless pens standing knee-high in their own shit. That’s what a real farm is all about.”

Due to increased public knowledge and awareness about the atrocious conditions on modern dairy farms – exposed by angry vegan bloggers, watchdog groups, and bullshit organizations like PETA – more people are becoming more concerned about where their food is coming from.

“I like to buy Happy Cow® brand cheese strips for my son,” said Ima Maroon, whose child is currently hospitalized and breathing on a ventilator. “On the box there’s a cartoon of some cows playing in a green pasture with a little creek running through, so I assumed that’s where the cows were living while they ate grass to produce the milk for us.”

Maroon was shocked to discover the conditions at Las Leches Marrónes when she arrived to accompany her child to the hospital.

“It was like an endless spread of dirty cows wading miserably in this foot-high swamp of poo. I didn’t even see no trees, no grass. If there’s no grass, what is they eatin’?”

Las Leches Marrónes reportedly houses 25,000 cows on their 20-acre complex outside of Vado. A survey on Google Earth maps revealed a series of brown lagoons and streams, dubbed “Shit Creek” by the investigative crew. It’s suspected the waste receptacle ponds were formed after numerous complaints of brown tap water in the area last year. Further testing of the groundwater revealed high levels of fecal contamination and the investigation continues.

Former CNN Anchor Moves to The Onion

In yet another sign that the line between real news and fake news is getting thinner, one of CNN’s main anchors during the 1980s and 1990s, Bobbie Battista, has taken a step through the looking glass and can now be seen anchoring reports online for ONN, The Onion News Network.

In the report “Prague’s Franz Kafka International Named World’s Most Alienating Airport,” Ms. Battista reports the fictional news with the same aplomb she brought to the real thing during her 20-year career at CNN.

In a recent interview with the blog CNN Observations, Ms. Battista said she enjoyed the fake reports, though she admitted: “I wasn’t sure I should do them at first.” She also advised aspiring journalists to “practice journalism, not blogging,” and had some harsh words for her former employer for cutting back on international news:

“How often do you see Christiane Amanpour’s reporting on CNN anymore? Very selectively. Her reports and those of others around the globe used to be daily fare. And CNN has closed a number of bureaus overseas as well. The thinking is that people aren’t interested in international news. I think that’s wrong, especially as the world continues to grow smaller and more inter-connected.”

Entrepeneur Opens Tourist Doors To Mexico

Itching to get some expensive dental work done? In the market for a funky airbrushed velvet painting? Maybe in the mood to knock back dollar shots of tequila in a Juárez cantina and “dance” with the local ladies?

Wait no longer.

After a year of violence and bloodshed in the Mexico border towns, one area man has turned tragedy into profit and opportunity.

“This started from personal interest,” says Naven Johnson. “I used to zip down to Juárez almost every Sunday to pick up various items – like a bag of beans, some mangos, pots, grab a burrito. Stuff like that. Then the bullets started flying and I was like ‘Naw, man.’ ”

Since early 2008 the borderland cities of Juárez, Chihuahua, and Palomas have developed into de-facto war zones with multiple homicides occurring on a daily basis. The conflicts derive from competition between various drug runners jockeying toward first position for smuggling dope into the United States.

“Yeah, well...the obvious answer is for the two governments to legalize and regulate the drug trade, seeing as it’s so blatantly lucrative and increasingly in demand,” stated Johnson. “But The Man profits enormously as it is, so they just call it the “War on Drugs” and make it harder for the average college stoner to score a bag of weed so he can chill on the couch all weekend. Then I was, like, cha-ching!”

Naven Johnson, founder, showing how his patented security vest looks before being covered with an authentic, bulky poncho

Johnson is referring to the brainstorm he had that led him on the path toward safe travel across the border. With a nominal investment in a dozen form-fitting bulletproof vests, shatter-proof helmets designed to fit comfortably under a large sombrero, and pull-on leg guards made of a flexible poly-alloy material - Borderland Securities LLC was born.

Since its inception, Borderland Securities LLC has allowed over 3 dozen individuals to cross the border, do stuff, and return safely. Clients are outfitted with police-grade bulletproof material surrounding the torso, neck, and thighs. In addition to repelling bullets, the material contains a layer of chainmail strong enough to stop a knife blade. Further protective items include a billowy poncho designed to cover the vest, a “typical tourist” sombrero to cover the safety helmet, and various authentic-looking recording devices in the event a kidnapping takes place.

“I’ve designed this costume from top to bottom with all possibilities in mind,” says Johnson. “If you’re walking around in the Juárez mercado and bullets start flying, you’re gonna be ok. And if someone gets stupid and thinks you’d be a worthwhile kidnapping target, they’ll take one look at all the wires and duct tape on your chest and back and think again. No one messes with surveillance equipment, and it looks like the real thing.”

Johnson also provides his clients with a ten-minute “prep session” and gives them a pamphlet filled with handy phrases – such as “Mi familia no tienen dinero” (“My family does not have money”) – to assist them should a challenging situation arise.

Johnson says he also suggests to his American clients to act “drunk and stupid” and carry several $20 bills in their hand because most Mexican vendors and businesses are used to that and will pay no attention, allowing the client to blend in.

Borderland Securities LLC is currently accepting reservations one day in advance as long as enough equipment is in stock. Rental fees are $24 per person for a 24 hour period (with a $500 refundable security deposit if all equipment is returned in good condition and without holes or stains).

“A dollar an hour...” ponders Johnson. “I betcha your life is worth that, right? I figure if someone doesn’t come back after 24 hours they won’t ever be coming back and unfortunately I have to retain the security deposit to cover costs.”

Johnson states he hopes to see the border violence quell as soon as possible.

Throb: Up All Night at Whitey's

See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!

G-Fresh, Throb Columnist

If you’re lookin’ for my follow-up story on the ongoing saga of the Downtown Farmer’s Market, you ain’t gonna find it. That’s old news now and the Skidmark staff has been busy reviewing all the new restaurants in town, including the recent makeover of the one and only Whitey’s.

Located just south of downtown, sitting quietly in the ominous shadow of that one tall building, is one of Las Cruces’ oldest eateries. Whitey’s recently received a fresh new look, not having been remodeled since 1982. I ain’t been there for a few years – not since that one time I picked up a chick at the pool hall across the way and treated her to a midnight omelet. Ay, the memories! But I ain’t like that no more.

It was a late Friday night – I was out doing field research at that cowboy bar and after a few dances things was gettin’ heated up so I take off my hoodie down to my wife beater. This bouncer dude comes right up in my face and points to a sign – No Wife Beaters it says – and then points to the door. I was like “dayam” and wasn’t in the mood for a club shooting, so I split. I was feelin’ munchy and I saw Whitey’s right across the street, so it was a no-brainer.

There were a few punks hanging around a lowrider in the parking lot when I arrived and I ignored them when one yelled “Yo, want some?” to me. Once inside Whitey’s I was quickly seated by my server, José, who tried to interest me in a pre-order of Cheezee Pancake Poppers™. I declined and scanned the menu – the Insomniac® menu – and got the feeling it was created expressly for late night drunks and stoners. I took a quick look around at the other patrons and it made sense: at a nearby table sat a couple of dreadlocked hippies intently building a pyramid out of straws and humming, in the corner sat a woman with a black eye nervously drinking a cup of coffee, and at another table sat a coven of glittery club girls laughing hysterically over a basket of fries.

The menu choices were intense, even for Yours Truly: Pablo’s Party Potachos®, the Phat Daddy Burrito®, Smokin’ Spliff Snackerz®, the Rockin’ Rollin’ Ranch Sundae®, and Screamin’ Cream Cheezers®. Then I see the Pure White Vanilla Milkshake for $5, invented by Whitey’s “Band Of The Month”, the White T’s. I’d like to know what a five-dollar shake tastes like, so when José comes back I order that and some blueberry pancakes.

“Oh, we ain’t got blueberry, man,” laughs José. “This is the ghetto. You got to go to Village Inn for that. But I got strawberry and and chocolate chip.”

I ate this.

I decide to play it safe and order the Hot Beef Chili Steamer®, a double bacon cheeseburger smothered with chili, cheese, and ranch dressing. ($7.99)

My food and shake arrived within a few minutes and I start laughin’ because it looks like a big platter of shit. I was so hungry I didn’t care.

“Dig in, man,” says José. “You want some extra napkins?”

I shovel the food into my gaping maw – it may have looked like crap, but it was delicious. Feelin’ the heat of the chili, I suck down my five-dollar shake to neutralize the fire.

“Goddamn! That’s a pretty fuckin’ good milk shake,” I say when José comes to clear my table. “I don’t know if it’s worth five dollars, but it’s pretty fuckin’ good.”

The bum behind Whitey’s who scared the crap out of me.

I paid my bill, didn’t leave no tip (I don’t believe in tipping), and barely stepped out the front door when my bowels started churning. Hard. I got into panic mode thinkin’ I was about to be sick and ran over to the Dumpster behind the restaurant. This fuckin’ bum jumped out and scared the crap out of me – literally – and I made it over to my car leaving a trail of what, just moments earlier, had been a Hot Beef Chili Steamer®. Yeah, you know this was comin’, but that shit looked the same going in as it looked coming out. Dayam!

I cruised by the next morning to check out my mess and that bum started yelling at me, something about this being his Dumpster. I took a snap of that mofo and split. Wild times, y’all. I give Whitey’s only two stars, probly won’t go back.

What: Whitey’s of ‘Cruces Where: Main Street, across from the plasma donation place When: 24/7/365 Why: Cheap food, open late, caters to drunks

Grand Opening!

Picacho Peak Hills To Offer Public Housing

Special Report: Economic Crisis

Partially constructed home, currently housing 3 families, with permanent bathroom addition

Standing in the face of these troubling economic times, one Las Cruces community is fighting back.

Picacho Peak Hills, once the area's most exclusive and coveted neighborhood, is opening its security gates to welcome low-income families to fill up homes now sitting empty as a result of mortgage foreclosures.

The Picacho Peak Homeowner's Association (PPH-ASS) began brainstorming various solutions several months ago after noticing a steady decrease in monthly dues and finding homes empty and abandoned.

"I was doing my evening visual inspection of everyone's front yards," says PPH-ASS Code Enforcer Jon Stickelmeyer. "And I noticed the Bartholomew residence had three newspapers laying on the driveway, a granola bar wrapper stuck in the bushes, and a small patch of weeds coming up through the rock yard. I knew at that moment something had to be done."

The PPH-ASS team met with City officials for a day-long roundtable session and deliberated for 3 hours over a succession of Starbuck's mocha lattes until a solution was agreed upon.

Our own Fnord Manfredgensinson, Covert Assignment Reporter, was on hand for the afternoon press release where it was announced the City would be allocating public funds to PPH-ASS to support the transition from a wealthy golf club community to a colorful barrio-style neighborhood where everybody is welcome.

Opinions about the upcoming influx of diversity shows mixed feelings amongst current residents.

"This is bullshit. I didn't become a personal injury attorney and pay $450,000 for my 1,200 sq. ft. townhome...to be stuck in some ghetto," says resident Brandt Deegan, a personal injury attorney. "Now there's going to be gangs of thugletts tearing around the clubhouse during our weekly Men's Power-Connect Networking Martini meetings."

To encourage a sense of community, the ritzy clubhouse is going to be repurposed to include a video game room for latchkey children, a satellite welfare office to serve local residents, and a classroom offering evening SSL classes (Spanish as a Second Language) for working professionals. Future plans include converting the ninth green of the golf course into a skateboarding ramp and to erect a smooth concrete wall for youngsters to decorate with cans of spray paint.

"I think it's going to be fun!" stated another resident, an independently-wealthy artist from Sedona who creates art from garbage. "I've been hitting midtown dumpsters to find material for my work, but I'm hoping the shift in demographics will bring a bit of culture to the neighborhood so I can find everything I need right here. In a way, I'm going green by not having to travel!"

Proposed future appearance of the 12th green water hazard (Architectural rendering)

Currently, the abandoned single-family homes are being remodeled to house 2 or 3 families in one structure. What was once a glorious 3,000 sq. ft. pleasure palace for a mortgage banker and his trophy wife will soon provide shelter for at least 18 people spread between three units.

"The City Planners said if we wanted their help, we had to realize that these huge dwellings were a major waste of space and resources. Instead of two people sharing a bathroom, we're soon going to see eight people living in the same amount of space. It makes sense, environmentally-speaking."

There is rumored speculation that if the population of Picacho Peak reaches a certain number, mega-retailer Wal-Mart plans to sponsor a new bus line running directly from the neighborhood to their westside store. The route will be fareless provided that riders reboard the bus at Wal-Mart with at least $50 in merchandise and a receipt to prove the purchase.

Also planned is the razing of the golf course and converting it to fertile farmland, as an irrigation system is already in place. With a predicted average of 5 children per household once the community reaches capacity, producing locally grown food will be imperative to the survival of its residents in addition to the welfare handouts offered by the government.

Rental fees for the new tri-plex units will range from $250 per month up to $450 per month, depending on the number of inhabitants per unit. Those qualifying for Section-8 housing assistance and large families headed by one parent will receive rental vouchers covering 85% of their rent whether they are employed or not.

Current rules and covenants will be slightly modified to accommodate new residents. To be permitted is a maximum of three large dogs per property (to be chained or caged at all times), street corner dumpsters to collect the increased amount of trash, and weapon checkpoints to be manned at all three entryways to ensure the safety of all residents.

Picacho Peak Hills will have an open house reception in February for those interested in becoming a part of the community. Please arrive early, as rental units are expected to fill up quickly. A spot on the waiting list will be offered to latecomers.

City Welcomes "Blitz Busters" Vigilante Group

Get blitzed, get busted.

For the new year, The City is unveiling a dramatic new campaign to discourage the popularity of drunk driving in Southern New Mexico.

The Blitz Busters™, a vigilante group of pissed-off citizens fed up with a broken judicial system, will be hitting the streets this month with a series of new programs unlike anything tried before.

Uli Kunkel and Karl Hungus at their first Blitz Buster™ smackdown

"We're going hardcore," said Uli Kunkel, a nihilist and lead Blitz Buster™. "No more plea bargains, no more useless trials, and no more second/third/fourth/fifth/sixth/seventh/eighth/ninth chances. If our crew catches you boozing it behind the wheel, you're goin' down - and we don't mean downtown."

Autobahn Nagelbett, the Blitz Buster's™ flagship program, will exercise a "no mercy" policy in drunk driving collisions. Drivers found at the scene of car crashes will be administered a quick sobriety test and if found to be under the influence of alcohol will get their ass kicked on the spot. One-vehicle crashes involving poles, mailboxes, or other stationary objects will not be exempt.

Marmot.

"Sometimes the best solutions are time-tested, and it appears the legal circus is not working. If we find you, your ass is grass. If we find you again, we bring the marmot," said Kunkel.

Kunkel is referring to the crew's pet marmot, which has been specially trained to attack any human who appears intoxicated.

New Mexico, struggling with the highest rate of drunk driving crashes in the country, was running out of ideas until the Blitz Busters™ approached The City with an offer to "take care of" the Southern New Mexico area and the growing number of residents with eight, nine, ten, and more DUIs.

The non-profit group is powered by volunteers, lifted pickup trucks, and that 24-hour burrito shop on Missouri. As the campaign gets underway, more volunteers will likely be needed and anyone without a conscience is encouraged to apply. Applicants must furnish their own vehicle, a Kraftwerk CD, and be available to work one Friday or Saturday night each week.

"Based on news stories and police reports, we've found that drunk drivers are actually not very bright and the vast majority of drunk driving arrests occur in a very small window of time," said fellow Blitz Buster™ and nihilist Karl Hungus. "We're going to use that to our advantage, for the greater good."

Weekend signs on Lohman Avenue

Friday and Saturday nights from 11pm to 3am, eastbound Lohman Avenue will be converted to include a drunk driving lane. Signs, orange cones, and flashers will direct drivers to the left lane, designated "Drunk Only". It's expected to attract the dumbest of the dumb.

"You hear about these DUI checkpoints: they're announced in the newspaper and on the radio, complete with date and time," says Hungus, rolling his eyes. "Yet every checkpoint nets a handful of drunks, caught completely by surprise and immediately claiming they've been framed."

The Blitz Busters™ wants to work with the community to eliminate the scourge of bottom feeders and has set up a hotline number for citizens to report drunk drivers and other human nuisances. The number is 800-BLITZ-THIS.

When asked why he organized Blitz Busters™ and if he believed the good of man will overcome the bad, Kunkel replied, "I'm a nihilist. I believe in nothing. We fuck you up."

Animal Rights Advocates Call Shelter 'Holocaust'

For the third Tuesday in a row, area animal rights activists staged a silent demonstration protesting the increasing euthanasia rate of cats and dogs at the local animal shelter.

Wearing animal masks and carrying signs painted with slogans like Eat The Meat, Kill The Breeders, and ASCMV=Treblinka, the demonstrators have been peaceful and do not speak, but have been dispersing flyers, buttons, and stickers to passersby. The group's website is www.lcdeathcamp.com.

Last week, in a move that critics are calling "risky" and "offensive", demonstrators handed out brochures to the public stating the Animal Services Center of the Mesilla Valley (ASCMV) and the New Mexico Holocaust and Intolerance Museum in Albuquerque had joined forces to open a satellite museum in the Las Cruces shelter. The brochure stated the ASCMV was planning to change its name to Treblinka, the infamous World War II Nazi death camp, due to similarities in extermination methods.

The shelter has been frequently branded a "death camp" by the animal rights community, who suggest the solution lies in going to the source of the problem and educating or punishing the people allowing their pets to breed uncontrollably rather than euthanizing dozens of animals every day.

The ASCMV currently processes over 1,200 stray or abandoned animals every month ñ a very small number of which are adopted by area residents. The remainder are put to death by lethal injection or other method within 3 days of capture and buried in a mass grave in the Corralitos landfill.

"We are faced with the fact that there is a massive domestic animal overpopulation problem throughout New Mexico, especially in the Southern Doña Ana County region," explained ASCMV director Seth Tabasco-Mofar. "We believe education is crucial in exterminating the overpopulation problem and ending the killing."

Tabasco-Mofar had to cut our interview short after being informed that "some guy in a Dodge truck" had just dumped a box of 8 pit bull-Chihuahua mix puppies on the front doorstep of the shelter, and because there were no available cages the puppies had to be euthanized immediately.

Last November, the ASCMV came under more scrutiny after a local woman reported her cat missing, later learning the cat had been picked up by the City's "death squad", taken to the shelter, and killed in under five hours.

"I didn't even have the chance to go look for him," cried local woman and former cat owner Dolores Axelrod. "What is this place, like Treblinka or something?"

In another recent incident stemming from a complaint about a dog bite, the "death squad" removed a dog from its owner after it was decided the well-trained 6-year-old pet was actually a wild animal. The dog was euthanized and beheaded so its brain could be tested for rabies in a Santa Fe lab. The test came back negative, along with the cremated remains of the dog.

The City has taken a Catholic stance on the problem by suspending funding for a county-wide spay/neuter program that offered mobile and affordable sterilization services for pet owners unable to pay for private veterinary care. ASCMV is preparing for the predicted increase in abandoned animals by ramping up their euthanasia department to run 24 hours a day and by teaching volunteers how to kill cats and dogs.

The lcdeathcamp.com website outlines some suggestions in controlling the animal overpopulation problem: diligently punishing known animal breeders and hoarders, suspending food stamp benefits for people with pregnant dogs tied to trees on their property, processing the cat and dog meat "Chinese style" for human consumption, and letting stray animals run free so they can learn how to dodge traffic and live off dumpster scraps.

Masonic Big Brother Is Watching, But Seniors Don't Mind

Sensors keep track of just about everything Shirley Player does in her apartment, but she's not worried that Big Brother is watching. Far from it.

"I feel very safe with it," Player said. "It's nice to know you're being watched."

Player is one of 68 residents of the Masonicare retirement community participating in a study that aims to determine whether keeping a technological eye on seniors can help them live longer independently in their own homes.

Player's place has a motion detector in the corner of each room, a sensor on her refrigerator that keeps track of her eating habits, a sensor on the medicine cabinet to see if she's taking her medications on time, and a pressure sensor underneath the mattress of her bed to track her sleeping. There would have been a sensor on the toilet, except that was determined unfeasible for the study during a pilot program this summer.

Player says her greatest worry is remembering to take the sensor on her key chain with her when she leaves her apartment. Otherwise, she said, after about a month she hardly gives the monitoring program a thought. Does she worry about it?

"I never do," she said.

"If it will help somebody else, that's what my goal is," said the 87-year-old Player, who lives at the Masonic Health Care Center independent living complex, in one of the A. Norman Johnson Apartments in Wallingford, Connecticut.

Throb: Farmer's Market. Boooring!

See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!

G-Fresh, Throb Columnist

Part One of a Series:

Knitted dog sweaters. Carved driftwood. Sparkly sun things. Locally grown squashes. Mexican things.

It's all at the Downtown Farmer's & Crafts Market, and we don't need it! That's what I say, anyway.

We all know downtown sucks. It's like dead and all since they tore down the church and plowed the road and planted trees thirty years ago. Just leave it the way it is! The Skidmark sent me on assignment to go get the scoop cuz none of us had even been downtown in our entire lifetimes, except for court dates and that one time I went to Coas bookstore to look for a dictionary (they don't have none).

So I showed up on a Saturday morning around 10, which was tough due to goin' out Friday, if you know what I mean. Dayam, I don't know how these people get up so early. So there was lots of people and I saw all the dried chile stuff, so I started walking around. Suddenly, I was like "What the fuck?" and I looked down and saw I stepped in a pile of dog shit. I was like "Naw, man, this ain't right" and I see all these dogs wearing sweaters and people standing there drinking coffee and talking while these dogs just crap on the sidewalk. Well, I know dogs are the latest thing and all, but this is goin' way too far. Maybe next time I'll bring my two-year old daughter without a diaper so she can unload right on the sidewalk.

I see this guy selling some nuts, someone selling some jelly stuff in jars, and tons of silver & turquoise jewelry. There were some people actually sweating, making popcorn in a big pot, and I see people lined up to buy it!

Ok, newsflash, y'all! All this stuff I saw you can get over at Wal-Mart even cheaper! Seriously, I didn't see nothin' so special and who wants to walk around outside for the same stuff? Last time I checked, you can buy a squash or an apron or some earrings right over there at Wally World. I was laughin' my ass off, so I asked a few people why they were there because I had my press pass with me and here's what they said:

"Well, I guess I come here for the culture. People are happy, the sun is shining. I feel like I'm supporting my neighbors and the local economy by buying items here."

"Because Wal-Mart is sucking the livelihood out of the American people."

"It's fun! I love bringing my dog here, he loves all the attention."

"Um, probably because there's no fat food stamp slobs and Mexicans with 7 kids running around. Wait, are you printing this?" (I told her no!)

"Because the best piñon brittle in the universe is right here."

"Because this is Las Cruces!"

This is kind of the same stuff I heard from everyone I talked to and I got to say it doesn't really make sense because you can still get the same stuff even cheaper at you-know-where. I guess these people don't got brains if they want to spend more money for the same thing.

I heard they was tearing down all the big metal poles along the south part of the Downtown Mall, so I checked it out. Sure enough, it was wide and open and I could see all the storefronts of the buildings as they probably looked forty years ago. I heard next the City will be tearing out all the bricks and laying down a road where Main Street used to be.

But what about the racetrack circling around downtown?!

(To be continued in the next edition of The Skidmark)