City Welcomes "Blitz Busters" Vigilante Group

Get blitzed, get busted.

For the new year, The City is unveiling a dramatic new campaign to discourage the popularity of drunk driving in Southern New Mexico.

The Blitz Busters™, a vigilante group of pissed-off citizens fed up with a broken judicial system, will be hitting the streets this month with a series of new programs unlike anything tried before.

Uli Kunkel and Karl Hungus at their first Blitz Buster™ smackdown

"We're going hardcore," said Uli Kunkel, a nihilist and lead Blitz Buster™. "No more plea bargains, no more useless trials, and no more second/third/fourth/fifth/sixth/seventh/eighth/ninth chances. If our crew catches you boozing it behind the wheel, you're goin' down - and we don't mean downtown."

Autobahn Nagelbett, the Blitz Buster's™ flagship program, will exercise a "no mercy" policy in drunk driving collisions. Drivers found at the scene of car crashes will be administered a quick sobriety test and if found to be under the influence of alcohol will get their ass kicked on the spot. One-vehicle crashes involving poles, mailboxes, or other stationary objects will not be exempt.

Marmot.

"Sometimes the best solutions are time-tested, and it appears the legal circus is not working. If we find you, your ass is grass. If we find you again, we bring the marmot," said Kunkel.

Kunkel is referring to the crew's pet marmot, which has been specially trained to attack any human who appears intoxicated.

New Mexico, struggling with the highest rate of drunk driving crashes in the country, was running out of ideas until the Blitz Busters™ approached The City with an offer to "take care of" the Southern New Mexico area and the growing number of residents with eight, nine, ten, and more DUIs.

The non-profit group is powered by volunteers, lifted pickup trucks, and that 24-hour burrito shop on Missouri. As the campaign gets underway, more volunteers will likely be needed and anyone without a conscience is encouraged to apply. Applicants must furnish their own vehicle, a Kraftwerk CD, and be available to work one Friday or Saturday night each week.

"Based on news stories and police reports, we've found that drunk drivers are actually not very bright and the vast majority of drunk driving arrests occur in a very small window of time," said fellow Blitz Buster™ and nihilist Karl Hungus. "We're going to use that to our advantage, for the greater good."

Weekend signs on Lohman Avenue

Friday and Saturday nights from 11pm to 3am, eastbound Lohman Avenue will be converted to include a drunk driving lane. Signs, orange cones, and flashers will direct drivers to the left lane, designated "Drunk Only". It's expected to attract the dumbest of the dumb.

"You hear about these DUI checkpoints: they're announced in the newspaper and on the radio, complete with date and time," says Hungus, rolling his eyes. "Yet every checkpoint nets a handful of drunks, caught completely by surprise and immediately claiming they've been framed."

The Blitz Busters™ wants to work with the community to eliminate the scourge of bottom feeders and has set up a hotline number for citizens to report drunk drivers and other human nuisances. The number is 800-BLITZ-THIS.

When asked why he organized Blitz Busters™ and if he believed the good of man will overcome the bad, Kunkel replied, "I'm a nihilist. I believe in nothing. We fuck you up."