New “public safety” traffic cameras in use along Lohman Avenue
Last month marked another milestone in history as The City installed several traffic cameras to monitor and record motorists in their daily frenzy – a move introduced by city planners under the gentle guise of public safety and loosely modeled after the quaint beginnings of England’s wildly popular CCTV observation booths.
“We were unexpectedly contacted by a company providing digital observation services,” states Mayor Ricardo Hirohito. “After reviewing the information they sold us it was just a no brainer. The people need this and they will get it.”
Te Watcho Security Services, with a Phoenix mailing address but based in the UK, works closely with communities in the desert Southwest to improve the quality of life for all residents.
Specializing in traffic cameras, the company also offers a range of services including fingerprint clearance systems, retina scans, DNA databases, and microchip technologies.
Local authorities were pleasantly surprised with the positive amount of negative activity during a three-week long evaluation period following the cameras’ installation.
“It looks like we busted the entire city!” said Mayor Hirohito, laughing. “Of course, we want to keep the public safe and will use the collected fines to go toward more public safety programs (and more cameras).”
During the first three weeks of operation the camera sensors recorded over 35,000 infractions including using a cell phone, applying makeup while driving, and jaywalking.
The sensors are precisely calibrated to be dead-on-balls accurate within 1/1000th of absolute perfection and are currently programmed to cite the following activities:
• Driving at least 1 mph over the posted speed limit
• Doing anything other than driving while operating a vehicle (eg: eating pretzels, less than two hands on the steering wheel, changing the radio station, talking to your passenger, smiling, laughing, etc.)
• Using a cell phone in any way, shape, or form
• Looking to the side instead of directly forward
• Flipping off the cameras
• Playing music above “volume level 3”
• Being in the crosswalk when the red hand is flashing
• And much more
The cameras are capable of detecting even the faintest of cellular phone signals, mapping the signal to the subscriber, recording any verbal or textual communication, and saving it to the national database.
In addition to motorists, the cameras are also monitoring pedestrians who are not crossing the street correctly or who seem to be walking without purpose. Crosswalk buttons have been outfitted with fingerprint identification sensors and will add all walkers to a database to investigate why that particular individual doesn’t have a car.
“I heard about these camera things and I’m not sure what to do,” whined area man Raymond Babbitt. “It’s confusing – I’m an excellent driver and I already got 3 tickets.”
New traffic light system installed at the “Five Pointed Star of Death” intersection
Upon hearing of the success of the public safety program, Mayor Hirohito was quickly scheduled on a two-week, all-expenses-paid diplomatic excursion to Japan to evaluate the incomparable efficiency and cleanliness of the most densely populated place on the planet.
Mayor Hirohito remarked on the geniune kindness of the Japanese people and that most of them spoke English, allowing him multiple opportunities to experience the local customs of playing pachinko all night and drinking beer from a bucket.
“I was deeply immersed in the Japanese culture and I thank the residents of Las Cruces for giving me the opportunity. I have brought back with me the knowledge and understand that we will never, ever even come close to the sustainable urban development and technological wonders that are a part of everyday life in Japan.”
Mayor Hirohito says he plans to “return to Japan as soon as possible” to conduct further diplomatic research and to find a match for a sister city to Las Cruces.
Motorist fraud and basic human cleverness has already been factored into the cameras’ computer programs and should eliminate any incidence of error. An investigation has been closed on area man Paul Pain-In-The-Ass (PITA), who previously sued The City twice because he was offended by its name and logo and more recently sued them for a third time after claiming he received 89 traffic tickets in under a week. Police determined that photographs of PITA’s license plate were copied, distributed, and adhered to numerous vehicles throughout the city in an attempt to outsmart the traffic cameras and get PITA in trouble. PITA has been cleared of any wrongdoing and is now pursuing another lawsuit against The City regarding the offensive use of bilingual road signs.
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