Study Hints Kids Now At Their Fattest

LAS CRUCES—The percentage of ‘Crucen children who are overweight or obese appears to have leveled off after a 25-year increase, according to new figures that offer a glimmer of hope in an otherwise dismal battle.

“This is a first encouraging finding in what has been unremittingly bad news,” said Dr. Fatblaster, director of the obesity clinic at the hospital. “But it’s too soon to know if this really means we’re beginning to make meaningful inroads into this epidemic. It may simply be a statistical fluke.”

Since 2003, roughly 32 percent of children were chubby but not blubby, 16 percent were blubby, and 11 percent were fucking fat, according to a study by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Those levels held steady after rising without interruption since 1980.

“We’ve really been mystified as to why so many kids are getting outrageously obese,” said the head chef at the Las Cruces Public Schools Culinary Kitchen, Rachel Ray. “The public school system is firmly committed to providing nutritious foodstuffs to all of our little angels and we ensure each and every meal contains a deep-fried meat product stuffed with cheese, a serving of vegetables smothered with cheese, fluffy white bread, a slice of cheesecake for those with a sweet tooth, and a pint of milk. We also offer a fruit-flavored beverage for children who do not like to drink the milk of another species.”

“We follow the government’s recommended food pyramid to a tee,” added Ray, “so we’re truly bewildered with the abundance of all these little gundyguts waddling around.”

Some people say that if the cellulite climax is real, it could be because some parents and children have discovered “alternative” eating habits and are engaging in an activity called “exercise.”

Che Gordo inhaling his final McDonald’s Happy Meal.

“My 10 year old, Che, blimped up to 275 pounds. Finally, one of his knees gave out and we had to have it surgically reconstructed with metal plates,” said local mother Grande Gordo. “But the final straw was when I made him turn off the fucking television and go outside for once; he tried getting on his bicycle but both tires blew out and the frame collapsed, knocking Che face-first onto the pavement.”

Gordo decided to change the way her family eats by simply eliminating all dairy foods, avoiding products that contain high-fructose corn syrup (a cheap, nutritionless sweetener used excessively in place of sugar), and serving normal-size portions during meal times. She states finding foods that do not contain some form of cow’s milk was “nearly impossible,” so was forced to buy items in their natural state and prepare her own food, as people have for eons.

“I started looking at labels on food packages,” said Gordo. “Dry cereals, crackers, bread, and even non-dairy coffee creamer – all that shit has milk in it. They call it ‘casein’ in the ingredient list.”

Gordo adds that in the two weeks since banning dairy products in her family’s diet, Che has lost 12 pounds and his perpetually snotty nose has stopped running. The family also utilizes the multi-use path along the Rio Grande four evenings a week, where they can walk, run, and ride bikes without dealing with asshole motorists. The Gordos have also ceased viewing any television programming that is sponsored by corporate advertising.

“TV is nothing but ads for cheap-quality crap and junk food, so we just pulled the plug and started reading books from the library and playing trivia online,” said Gordo. “Che was excited after he discovered Wikipedia and began editing various articles.”

The full impact of the childhood epidemic will continue to mount in coming years, because it can take many years for obesity-related complications to translate into life-threatening events, including heart attacks and kidney failure. Additionally, most fat kids start breeding more of their own kind before their 20th birthdays so they can get into the welfare system as soon as possible.

Dr. Fatblaster says “Las Cruces should be congratulated” if the rates have in fact peaked, because up until now Southern New Mexico has produced the fattest kids in the America, and such as, in addition to leading the herd with the most teenage pregnancies, a phenomenon he calls “Stupid Babies Having Stupider Babies.”

“There is a small group of people going against the grain and back to basics,” Fatblaster said. “Some rogue schools are even getting all wild and crazy by providing better meals with fresh, low-fat foods and increasing physical education.”

He noted that he recently treated a young fatty “who in three days did not have a single piece of fresh fruit.” He states she was stunned to learn that her breakfast of Wild Wacky Fruity Loco Puffs, Rockin’ Razzleberry Toaster Tarts, and a quart of Tang orange-flavor drink did not actually contain any fruit.

“We still have a long way to go,” he said. “If parents completely eliminated dairy products from their children’s diets for a 30-day trial, they’d be amazed at how quickly the blubber burns off and resolves a number of health problems, such as asthma, respiratory mucus, and even death (SIDS).