Picacho Peak Hills To Offer Public Housing

Special Report: Economic Crisis

Partially constructed home, currently housing 3 families, with permanent bathroom addition

Standing in the face of these troubling economic times, one Las Cruces community is fighting back.

Picacho Peak Hills, once the area's most exclusive and coveted neighborhood, is opening its security gates to welcome low-income families to fill up homes now sitting empty as a result of mortgage foreclosures.

The Picacho Peak Homeowner's Association (PPH-ASS) began brainstorming various solutions several months ago after noticing a steady decrease in monthly dues and finding homes empty and abandoned.

"I was doing my evening visual inspection of everyone's front yards," says PPH-ASS Code Enforcer Jon Stickelmeyer. "And I noticed the Bartholomew residence had three newspapers laying on the driveway, a granola bar wrapper stuck in the bushes, and a small patch of weeds coming up through the rock yard. I knew at that moment something had to be done."

The PPH-ASS team met with City officials for a day-long roundtable session and deliberated for 3 hours over a succession of Starbuck's mocha lattes until a solution was agreed upon.

Our own Fnord Manfredgensinson, Covert Assignment Reporter, was on hand for the afternoon press release where it was announced the City would be allocating public funds to PPH-ASS to support the transition from a wealthy golf club community to a colorful barrio-style neighborhood where everybody is welcome.

Opinions about the upcoming influx of diversity shows mixed feelings amongst current residents.

"This is bullshit. I didn't become a personal injury attorney and pay $450,000 for my 1,200 sq. ft. townhome...to be stuck in some ghetto," says resident Brandt Deegan, a personal injury attorney. "Now there's going to be gangs of thugletts tearing around the clubhouse during our weekly Men's Power-Connect Networking Martini meetings."

To encourage a sense of community, the ritzy clubhouse is going to be repurposed to include a video game room for latchkey children, a satellite welfare office to serve local residents, and a classroom offering evening SSL classes (Spanish as a Second Language) for working professionals. Future plans include converting the ninth green of the golf course into a skateboarding ramp and to erect a smooth concrete wall for youngsters to decorate with cans of spray paint.

"I think it's going to be fun!" stated another resident, an independently-wealthy artist from Sedona who creates art from garbage. "I've been hitting midtown dumpsters to find material for my work, but I'm hoping the shift in demographics will bring a bit of culture to the neighborhood so I can find everything I need right here. In a way, I'm going green by not having to travel!"

Proposed future appearance of the 12th green water hazard (Architectural rendering)

Currently, the abandoned single-family homes are being remodeled to house 2 or 3 families in one structure. What was once a glorious 3,000 sq. ft. pleasure palace for a mortgage banker and his trophy wife will soon provide shelter for at least 18 people spread between three units.

"The City Planners said if we wanted their help, we had to realize that these huge dwellings were a major waste of space and resources. Instead of two people sharing a bathroom, we're soon going to see eight people living in the same amount of space. It makes sense, environmentally-speaking."

There is rumored speculation that if the population of Picacho Peak reaches a certain number, mega-retailer Wal-Mart plans to sponsor a new bus line running directly from the neighborhood to their westside store. The route will be fareless provided that riders reboard the bus at Wal-Mart with at least $50 in merchandise and a receipt to prove the purchase.

Also planned is the razing of the golf course and converting it to fertile farmland, as an irrigation system is already in place. With a predicted average of 5 children per household once the community reaches capacity, producing locally grown food will be imperative to the survival of its residents in addition to the welfare handouts offered by the government.

Rental fees for the new tri-plex units will range from $250 per month up to $450 per month, depending on the number of inhabitants per unit. Those qualifying for Section-8 housing assistance and large families headed by one parent will receive rental vouchers covering 85% of their rent whether they are employed or not.

Current rules and covenants will be slightly modified to accommodate new residents. To be permitted is a maximum of three large dogs per property (to be chained or caged at all times), street corner dumpsters to collect the increased amount of trash, and weapon checkpoints to be manned at all three entryways to ensure the safety of all residents.

Picacho Peak Hills will have an open house reception in February for those interested in becoming a part of the community. Please arrive early, as rental units are expected to fill up quickly. A spot on the waiting list will be offered to latecomers.

City Welcomes "Blitz Busters" Vigilante Group

Get blitzed, get busted.

For the new year, The City is unveiling a dramatic new campaign to discourage the popularity of drunk driving in Southern New Mexico.

The Blitz Busters™, a vigilante group of pissed-off citizens fed up with a broken judicial system, will be hitting the streets this month with a series of new programs unlike anything tried before.

Uli Kunkel and Karl Hungus at their first Blitz Buster™ smackdown

"We're going hardcore," said Uli Kunkel, a nihilist and lead Blitz Buster™. "No more plea bargains, no more useless trials, and no more second/third/fourth/fifth/sixth/seventh/eighth/ninth chances. If our crew catches you boozing it behind the wheel, you're goin' down - and we don't mean downtown."

Autobahn Nagelbett, the Blitz Buster's™ flagship program, will exercise a "no mercy" policy in drunk driving collisions. Drivers found at the scene of car crashes will be administered a quick sobriety test and if found to be under the influence of alcohol will get their ass kicked on the spot. One-vehicle crashes involving poles, mailboxes, or other stationary objects will not be exempt.

Marmot.

"Sometimes the best solutions are time-tested, and it appears the legal circus is not working. If we find you, your ass is grass. If we find you again, we bring the marmot," said Kunkel.

Kunkel is referring to the crew's pet marmot, which has been specially trained to attack any human who appears intoxicated.

New Mexico, struggling with the highest rate of drunk driving crashes in the country, was running out of ideas until the Blitz Busters™ approached The City with an offer to "take care of" the Southern New Mexico area and the growing number of residents with eight, nine, ten, and more DUIs.

The non-profit group is powered by volunteers, lifted pickup trucks, and that 24-hour burrito shop on Missouri. As the campaign gets underway, more volunteers will likely be needed and anyone without a conscience is encouraged to apply. Applicants must furnish their own vehicle, a Kraftwerk CD, and be available to work one Friday or Saturday night each week.

"Based on news stories and police reports, we've found that drunk drivers are actually not very bright and the vast majority of drunk driving arrests occur in a very small window of time," said fellow Blitz Buster™ and nihilist Karl Hungus. "We're going to use that to our advantage, for the greater good."

Weekend signs on Lohman Avenue

Friday and Saturday nights from 11pm to 3am, eastbound Lohman Avenue will be converted to include a drunk driving lane. Signs, orange cones, and flashers will direct drivers to the left lane, designated "Drunk Only". It's expected to attract the dumbest of the dumb.

"You hear about these DUI checkpoints: they're announced in the newspaper and on the radio, complete with date and time," says Hungus, rolling his eyes. "Yet every checkpoint nets a handful of drunks, caught completely by surprise and immediately claiming they've been framed."

The Blitz Busters™ wants to work with the community to eliminate the scourge of bottom feeders and has set up a hotline number for citizens to report drunk drivers and other human nuisances. The number is 800-BLITZ-THIS.

When asked why he organized Blitz Busters™ and if he believed the good of man will overcome the bad, Kunkel replied, "I'm a nihilist. I believe in nothing. We fuck you up."

Animal Rights Advocates Call Shelter 'Holocaust'

For the third Tuesday in a row, area animal rights activists staged a silent demonstration protesting the increasing euthanasia rate of cats and dogs at the local animal shelter.

Wearing animal masks and carrying signs painted with slogans like Eat The Meat, Kill The Breeders, and ASCMV=Treblinka, the demonstrators have been peaceful and do not speak, but have been dispersing flyers, buttons, and stickers to passersby. The group's website is www.lcdeathcamp.com.

Last week, in a move that critics are calling "risky" and "offensive", demonstrators handed out brochures to the public stating the Animal Services Center of the Mesilla Valley (ASCMV) and the New Mexico Holocaust and Intolerance Museum in Albuquerque had joined forces to open a satellite museum in the Las Cruces shelter. The brochure stated the ASCMV was planning to change its name to Treblinka, the infamous World War II Nazi death camp, due to similarities in extermination methods.

The shelter has been frequently branded a "death camp" by the animal rights community, who suggest the solution lies in going to the source of the problem and educating or punishing the people allowing their pets to breed uncontrollably rather than euthanizing dozens of animals every day.

The ASCMV currently processes over 1,200 stray or abandoned animals every month ñ a very small number of which are adopted by area residents. The remainder are put to death by lethal injection or other method within 3 days of capture and buried in a mass grave in the Corralitos landfill.

"We are faced with the fact that there is a massive domestic animal overpopulation problem throughout New Mexico, especially in the Southern Doña Ana County region," explained ASCMV director Seth Tabasco-Mofar. "We believe education is crucial in exterminating the overpopulation problem and ending the killing."

Tabasco-Mofar had to cut our interview short after being informed that "some guy in a Dodge truck" had just dumped a box of 8 pit bull-Chihuahua mix puppies on the front doorstep of the shelter, and because there were no available cages the puppies had to be euthanized immediately.

Last November, the ASCMV came under more scrutiny after a local woman reported her cat missing, later learning the cat had been picked up by the City's "death squad", taken to the shelter, and killed in under five hours.

"I didn't even have the chance to go look for him," cried local woman and former cat owner Dolores Axelrod. "What is this place, like Treblinka or something?"

In another recent incident stemming from a complaint about a dog bite, the "death squad" removed a dog from its owner after it was decided the well-trained 6-year-old pet was actually a wild animal. The dog was euthanized and beheaded so its brain could be tested for rabies in a Santa Fe lab. The test came back negative, along with the cremated remains of the dog.

The City has taken a Catholic stance on the problem by suspending funding for a county-wide spay/neuter program that offered mobile and affordable sterilization services for pet owners unable to pay for private veterinary care. ASCMV is preparing for the predicted increase in abandoned animals by ramping up their euthanasia department to run 24 hours a day and by teaching volunteers how to kill cats and dogs.

The lcdeathcamp.com website outlines some suggestions in controlling the animal overpopulation problem: diligently punishing known animal breeders and hoarders, suspending food stamp benefits for people with pregnant dogs tied to trees on their property, processing the cat and dog meat "Chinese style" for human consumption, and letting stray animals run free so they can learn how to dodge traffic and live off dumpster scraps.

Masonic Big Brother Is Watching, But Seniors Don't Mind

Sensors keep track of just about everything Shirley Player does in her apartment, but she's not worried that Big Brother is watching. Far from it.

"I feel very safe with it," Player said. "It's nice to know you're being watched."

Player is one of 68 residents of the Masonicare retirement community participating in a study that aims to determine whether keeping a technological eye on seniors can help them live longer independently in their own homes.

Player's place has a motion detector in the corner of each room, a sensor on her refrigerator that keeps track of her eating habits, a sensor on the medicine cabinet to see if she's taking her medications on time, and a pressure sensor underneath the mattress of her bed to track her sleeping. There would have been a sensor on the toilet, except that was determined unfeasible for the study during a pilot program this summer.

Player says her greatest worry is remembering to take the sensor on her key chain with her when she leaves her apartment. Otherwise, she said, after about a month she hardly gives the monitoring program a thought. Does she worry about it?

"I never do," she said.

"If it will help somebody else, that's what my goal is," said the 87-year-old Player, who lives at the Masonic Health Care Center independent living complex, in one of the A. Norman Johnson Apartments in Wallingford, Connecticut.

Throb: Farmer's Market. Boooring!

See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!

G-Fresh, Throb Columnist

Part One of a Series:

Knitted dog sweaters. Carved driftwood. Sparkly sun things. Locally grown squashes. Mexican things.

It's all at the Downtown Farmer's & Crafts Market, and we don't need it! That's what I say, anyway.

We all know downtown sucks. It's like dead and all since they tore down the church and plowed the road and planted trees thirty years ago. Just leave it the way it is! The Skidmark sent me on assignment to go get the scoop cuz none of us had even been downtown in our entire lifetimes, except for court dates and that one time I went to Coas bookstore to look for a dictionary (they don't have none).

So I showed up on a Saturday morning around 10, which was tough due to goin' out Friday, if you know what I mean. Dayam, I don't know how these people get up so early. So there was lots of people and I saw all the dried chile stuff, so I started walking around. Suddenly, I was like "What the fuck?" and I looked down and saw I stepped in a pile of dog shit. I was like "Naw, man, this ain't right" and I see all these dogs wearing sweaters and people standing there drinking coffee and talking while these dogs just crap on the sidewalk. Well, I know dogs are the latest thing and all, but this is goin' way too far. Maybe next time I'll bring my two-year old daughter without a diaper so she can unload right on the sidewalk.

I see this guy selling some nuts, someone selling some jelly stuff in jars, and tons of silver & turquoise jewelry. There were some people actually sweating, making popcorn in a big pot, and I see people lined up to buy it!

Ok, newsflash, y'all! All this stuff I saw you can get over at Wal-Mart even cheaper! Seriously, I didn't see nothin' so special and who wants to walk around outside for the same stuff? Last time I checked, you can buy a squash or an apron or some earrings right over there at Wally World. I was laughin' my ass off, so I asked a few people why they were there because I had my press pass with me and here's what they said:

"Well, I guess I come here for the culture. People are happy, the sun is shining. I feel like I'm supporting my neighbors and the local economy by buying items here."

"Because Wal-Mart is sucking the livelihood out of the American people."

"It's fun! I love bringing my dog here, he loves all the attention."

"Um, probably because there's no fat food stamp slobs and Mexicans with 7 kids running around. Wait, are you printing this?" (I told her no!)

"Because the best piñon brittle in the universe is right here."

"Because this is Las Cruces!"

This is kind of the same stuff I heard from everyone I talked to and I got to say it doesn't really make sense because you can still get the same stuff even cheaper at you-know-where. I guess these people don't got brains if they want to spend more money for the same thing.

I heard they was tearing down all the big metal poles along the south part of the Downtown Mall, so I checked it out. Sure enough, it was wide and open and I could see all the storefronts of the buildings as they probably looked forty years ago. I heard next the City will be tearing out all the bricks and laying down a road where Main Street used to be.

But what about the racetrack circling around downtown?!

(To be continued in the next edition of The Skidmark)

City Sues Pain-In-The-Ass Over Name Change

Following a two-year long legal battle with one Las Cruces resident, the City is fighting back.

In 2005, area man Paul Pain-In-The-Ass (PITA) took offense to the use of crosses in the City's logo, as well as the City's name, and filed a lawsuit on behalf of himself to have these items changed to more politically-correct representations for the municipality.

The City's logo, sporting three crosses representing a group of settlers who perished under attack by the Apache Indians in the mid-1800s, includes the tagline "People Helping People." The incident was so monumental to early pioneers they decided to name the city Las Cruces, Spanish for "the crosses".

Despite the historical origin of the symbols and name, PITA, a devout Christian, stated the use of religious connotations on government signs and letterhead was unconstitutional and must be removed.

PITA took his fight all the way to the Supreme Court and won his battle, to the dismay of 89,720 fellow residents who really didn't care and appreciated the historical significance of the name.

As PITA wasn't prepared with a replacement name and logo, the court offerred some suggestions including Northwest El Paso, Truth or Lies, and the play-on-words "Lost Causes".

Proposed politically-correct City logo

PITA submitted his own new City name, "The Sticks," and an updated logo.

"I'm glad I won - I'm doing this for everyone," explains PITA. "I want to keep the historical value of our beautiful valley, but without ramming Christianity down everyone's throat. God bless."

The City's mayor, Haruki Murakami, has filed a countersuit to stand up for the Spanish Catholic influence of the region.

"If he don't like our name, why don't he just move?" said Murakami. "Y tambien, I support his right to sue us, and I support my right to sue him back. I'm here for people, helping people."

To date, PITA's lawsuits have cost the City over $800,000 in legal fees and wasted time. It's been reported that local militias have formed to survey PITA's home and toilet-paper it nightly until he finally just moves away.