With the recent landslide loss of Proposition 86, which called for a tax increase to raise funds for downtown revitalization, the Downtown Development Team of Las Cruces were up in arms over what to do with the heart of the city.
“We were bouncing around so many ideas,” said Jon Stickelmeyer, spokesperson for the DDT-LC, “but I think we already knew what the final solution was.”
“We had a meeting to hear what the community had to say, but only three people showed up. One particular individual suggested controlling the retail lease rates of the numerous empty storefronts and buildings, currently ranging from $9-$12/sq. ft., and capping the rate at $4/sq. ft. to encourage small businesses to start up there. It was also suggested that the city lift the restriction of alcohol sales in the downtown corridor, which would ‘entice restaurant and pub owners to open their doors and provide pleasant outdoor seating in a pedestrian-only courtyard, like the sidewalk cafés of Europe.’ But we felt most of these ideas were, quite frankly, fucking stupid, and just a bit too hip and edgy for the Las Cruces community, so we were back to the drawing board.”
During the first half of the 20th century, The Downtown Mall and Main Street was a thriving center of commerce and community. That all changed in 1968 when city planners inexplicably decided to raze the entire district, including many historical buildings, and install ugly metal awnings all over the place. As a result, 122 of the 160 businesses operating downtown failed and fled. Since the late 1970s, downtown Las Cruces has been a virtual ghost town with only a lingering taco shop, a kickass used book store, and a few other places nobody goes to.
Architectural rending of the proposed Walmart World hyperstore in downtown Las Cruces, as seen from atop the Organ Mountains
Last month we reported the DDT-LC’s interest in welcoming Walmart to the downtown area, and it looks like Walmart listened. The DDT-LC received a phonecall from Walmart Global Domination Agent Anton Chighur, and a formal business meeting occurred in a run-down motel room shortly thereafter.
“Call it, friendo”, said Chighur in a deadpan tone, laying his offer down on the table in front of us. Says Stickelmeyer, “He took a coin out of his pocket and told us to pick heads or tails. We picked heads.”
The DDT-LC made the right choice as news of the razing of The Downtown Mall began circulating through local media.
“We have plans to erect the biggest and best Walmart in the world right here in Las Cruces,” Chigurh stated. “Our goal is to create a flagship model for the future of retail commerce.”
While Walmart has not yet disclosed full plans for the new hyperstore – the first of its kind to be called Walmart World – they are saying it’s going to be big. Really, really big.
Preconceptual renderings indicate the new mega-center will be 500,000 square feet – nearly twice the size as the current largest Walmart in upstate New York – and in addition to the usual offerings of a Supercenter, Walmart World plans to house a small hospital, a theme park, a community college specializing in English and exercise classes, and a basement-level dairy plant complete with cattle pens and a slaughterhouse.
“This new breed of Walmart is going to be more than just a place to shop,” says Chigurgh, “It’s going to be a place to live.”
Walmart intends to maintain some of the cultural and historical aspects of The Downtown Mall by completing the renovation of the Rio Grande Theater.
“The theater, being centrally located within The Mall, caught our eye as an ideal location to create an employee tenement tower. We plan to refurbish the main theater into a combination lounge and cafeteria for our associates – a place where they can relax and watch the Walmart Channel on the big screen – off the clock, of course.”
Chigurh adds, “We want to add about ten stories above the theater for employee housing. Since most of our workforce has never been nor ever will attend college, we think it would be fun to allow them the opportunity to experience dormitory life.”
Entry-level employees will be required to live in the tenement tower for their first year of employment to establish no-excuses attendence and around the clock availability. A monthly rent charge will be automatically deducted from their paycheck based on how many workers are housed in each room.
To appease environmental concerns, Walmart World also plans to erect 100 wind turbines atop its roof to generate enough energy to power the theme park rides and the electric hot plates for the employee soup kitchen.
“Our associates have always worn blue aprons, but at Walmart World the only permissable attire will be green – shirts, pants, and shoes. Uniform costs will be deducted from associates’ first, and possibly, second paycheck. Some employees struggle with getting almost no money on their first paycheck, but hey, at least they have jobs!”
No comments:
Post a Comment