Most Motorists Fined, Mayor Visits Japan

New “public safety” traffic cameras in use along Lohman Avenue

Smile, you’re on camera!

Last month marked another milestone in history as The City installed several traffic cameras to monitor and record motorists in their daily frenzy – a move introduced by city planners under the gentle guise of public safety and loosely modeled after the quaint beginnings of England’s wildly popular CCTV observation booths.

“We were unexpectedly contacted by a company providing digital observation services,” states Mayor Ricardo Hirohito. “After reviewing the information they sold us it was just a no brainer. The people need this and they will get it.”

Te Watcho Security Services, with a Phoenix mailing address but based in the UK, works closely with communities in the desert Southwest to improve the quality of life for all residents.

Specializing in traffic cameras, the company also offers a range of services including fingerprint clearance systems, retina scans, DNA databases, and microchip technologies.

Local authorities were pleasantly surprised with the positive amount of negative activity during a three-week long evaluation period following the cameras’ installation.

“It looks like we busted the entire city!” said Mayor Hirohito, laughing. “Of course, we want to keep the public safe and will use the collected fines to go toward more public safety programs (and more cameras).”

During the first three weeks of operation the camera sensors recorded over 35,000 infractions including using a cell phone, applying makeup while driving, and jaywalking.

The sensors are precisely calibrated to be dead-on-balls accurate within 1/1000th of absolute perfection and are currently programmed to cite the following activities:

• Driving at least 1 mph over the posted speed limit

• Doing anything other than driving while operating a vehicle (eg: eating pretzels, less than two hands on the steering wheel, changing the radio station, talking to your passenger, smiling, laughing, etc.)

• Using a cell phone in any way, shape, or form

• Looking to the side instead of directly forward

• Flipping off the cameras

• Playing music above “volume level 3”

• Being in the crosswalk when the red hand is flashing

• And much more

The cameras are capable of detecting even the faintest of cellular phone signals, mapping the signal to the subscriber, recording any verbal or textual communication, and saving it to the national database.

In addition to motorists, the cameras are also monitoring pedestrians who are not crossing the street correctly or who seem to be walking without purpose. Crosswalk buttons have been outfitted with fingerprint identification sensors and will add all walkers to a database to investigate why that particular individual doesn’t have a car.

“I heard about these camera things and I’m not sure what to do,” whined area man Raymond Babbitt. “It’s confusing – I’m an excellent driver and I already got 3 tickets.”

New traffic light system installed at the “Five Pointed Star of Death” intersection

Te Watcho began issuing citations and mailing tickets last week to the tune of $150 each. The company is predicting a pay-up rate of around 97% – roughly the same percentage of the population who sheepishly obey the laws and do not offer any resistance whatsoever. Preliminary calculations show that $1.3 million worth of citations have already been issued.

Upon hearing of the success of the public safety program, Mayor Hirohito was quickly scheduled on a two-week, all-expenses-paid diplomatic excursion to Japan to evaluate the incomparable efficiency and cleanliness of the most densely populated place on the planet.

Mayor Hirohito remarked on the geniune kindness of the Japanese people and that most of them spoke English, allowing him multiple opportunities to experience the local customs of playing pachinko all night and drinking beer from a bucket.

“I was deeply immersed in the Japanese culture and I thank the residents of Las Cruces for giving me the opportunity. I have brought back with me the knowledge and understand that we will never, ever even come close to the sustainable urban development and technological wonders that are a part of everyday life in Japan.”

Mayor Hirohito says he plans to “return to Japan as soon as possible” to conduct further diplomatic research and to find a match for a sister city to Las Cruces.

Motorist fraud and basic human cleverness has already been factored into the cameras’ computer programs and should eliminate any incidence of error. An investigation has been closed on area man Paul Pain-In-The-Ass (PITA), who previously sued The City twice because he was offended by its name and logo and more recently sued them for a third time after claiming he received 89 traffic tickets in under a week. Police determined that photographs of PITA’s license plate were copied, distributed, and adhered to numerous vehicles throughout the city in an attempt to outsmart the traffic cameras and get PITA in trouble. PITA has been cleared of any wrongdoing and is now pursuing another lawsuit against The City regarding the offensive use of bilingual road signs.

Children Sickened During Vado Field Trip

Last Tuesday approximately eighteen children and three teachers were airlifted to Thomason Hospital in El Paso after being overcome by toxic fumes at a Vado dairy farm. One child remains in a coma in critical condition.

What was supposed to be an exciting educational excursion for the third grade class at Somos Ricos Elementary School turned into a disaster as students started collapsing only minutes after arriving at the farm, Las Leches Marrónes, Inc.

One cow also collapsed and died during the field trip after being overcome by the stench of its own waste.

The fieldtrip, called Kidz Krazy Kows, initially worried some parents due to concerns about Mad Cow Disease. Parents were assured all precautions would be taken to limit the children’s exposure to any diseases or toxins.

Gas masks were reportedly issued to visitors upon arrival but there were not enough to go around. The children wearing the gas masks were unaffected.

Investigative teams from the EPA, FDA, and ICE were called in to survey the scene and detected atrociously high levels of toxic methane gas, ammonia fumes, fertilizer pollution, and fetid basins of standing water.

“We wanted the children to see first-hand where their milk came from,” said school principal Dick Johnson. “The kids just think their pint of chocolate milk comes from the store, but we felt it was important to show them the real deal – the hundreds of cows crammed into shadeless pens standing knee-high in their own shit. That’s what a real farm is all about.”

Due to increased public knowledge and awareness about the atrocious conditions on modern dairy farms – exposed by angry vegan bloggers, watchdog groups, and bullshit organizations like PETA – more people are becoming more concerned about where their food is coming from.

“I like to buy Happy Cow® brand cheese strips for my son,” said Ima Maroon, whose child is currently hospitalized and breathing on a ventilator. “On the box there’s a cartoon of some cows playing in a green pasture with a little creek running through, so I assumed that’s where the cows were living while they ate grass to produce the milk for us.”

Maroon was shocked to discover the conditions at Las Leches Marrónes when she arrived to accompany her child to the hospital.

“It was like an endless spread of dirty cows wading miserably in this foot-high swamp of poo. I didn’t even see no trees, no grass. If there’s no grass, what is they eatin’?”

Las Leches Marrónes reportedly houses 25,000 cows on their 20-acre complex outside of Vado. A survey on Google Earth maps revealed a series of brown lagoons and streams, dubbed “Shit Creek” by the investigative crew. It’s suspected the waste receptacle ponds were formed after numerous complaints of brown tap water in the area last year. Further testing of the groundwater revealed high levels of fecal contamination and the investigation continues.

Former CNN Anchor Moves to The Onion

In yet another sign that the line between real news and fake news is getting thinner, one of CNN’s main anchors during the 1980s and 1990s, Bobbie Battista, has taken a step through the looking glass and can now be seen anchoring reports online for ONN, The Onion News Network.

In the report “Prague’s Franz Kafka International Named World’s Most Alienating Airport,” Ms. Battista reports the fictional news with the same aplomb she brought to the real thing during her 20-year career at CNN.

In a recent interview with the blog CNN Observations, Ms. Battista said she enjoyed the fake reports, though she admitted: “I wasn’t sure I should do them at first.” She also advised aspiring journalists to “practice journalism, not blogging,” and had some harsh words for her former employer for cutting back on international news:

“How often do you see Christiane Amanpour’s reporting on CNN anymore? Very selectively. Her reports and those of others around the globe used to be daily fare. And CNN has closed a number of bureaus overseas as well. The thinking is that people aren’t interested in international news. I think that’s wrong, especially as the world continues to grow smaller and more inter-connected.”

Entrepeneur Opens Tourist Doors To Mexico

Itching to get some expensive dental work done? In the market for a funky airbrushed velvet painting? Maybe in the mood to knock back dollar shots of tequila in a Juárez cantina and “dance” with the local ladies?

Wait no longer.

After a year of violence and bloodshed in the Mexico border towns, one area man has turned tragedy into profit and opportunity.

“This started from personal interest,” says Naven Johnson. “I used to zip down to Juárez almost every Sunday to pick up various items – like a bag of beans, some mangos, pots, grab a burrito. Stuff like that. Then the bullets started flying and I was like ‘Naw, man.’ ”

Since early 2008 the borderland cities of Juárez, Chihuahua, and Palomas have developed into de-facto war zones with multiple homicides occurring on a daily basis. The conflicts derive from competition between various drug runners jockeying toward first position for smuggling dope into the United States.

“Yeah, well...the obvious answer is for the two governments to legalize and regulate the drug trade, seeing as it’s so blatantly lucrative and increasingly in demand,” stated Johnson. “But The Man profits enormously as it is, so they just call it the “War on Drugs” and make it harder for the average college stoner to score a bag of weed so he can chill on the couch all weekend. Then I was, like, cha-ching!”

Naven Johnson, founder, showing how his patented security vest looks before being covered with an authentic, bulky poncho

Johnson is referring to the brainstorm he had that led him on the path toward safe travel across the border. With a nominal investment in a dozen form-fitting bulletproof vests, shatter-proof helmets designed to fit comfortably under a large sombrero, and pull-on leg guards made of a flexible poly-alloy material - Borderland Securities LLC was born.

Since its inception, Borderland Securities LLC has allowed over 3 dozen individuals to cross the border, do stuff, and return safely. Clients are outfitted with police-grade bulletproof material surrounding the torso, neck, and thighs. In addition to repelling bullets, the material contains a layer of chainmail strong enough to stop a knife blade. Further protective items include a billowy poncho designed to cover the vest, a “typical tourist” sombrero to cover the safety helmet, and various authentic-looking recording devices in the event a kidnapping takes place.

“I’ve designed this costume from top to bottom with all possibilities in mind,” says Johnson. “If you’re walking around in the Juárez mercado and bullets start flying, you’re gonna be ok. And if someone gets stupid and thinks you’d be a worthwhile kidnapping target, they’ll take one look at all the wires and duct tape on your chest and back and think again. No one messes with surveillance equipment, and it looks like the real thing.”

Johnson also provides his clients with a ten-minute “prep session” and gives them a pamphlet filled with handy phrases – such as “Mi familia no tienen dinero” (“My family does not have money”) – to assist them should a challenging situation arise.

Johnson says he also suggests to his American clients to act “drunk and stupid” and carry several $20 bills in their hand because most Mexican vendors and businesses are used to that and will pay no attention, allowing the client to blend in.

Borderland Securities LLC is currently accepting reservations one day in advance as long as enough equipment is in stock. Rental fees are $24 per person for a 24 hour period (with a $500 refundable security deposit if all equipment is returned in good condition and without holes or stains).

“A dollar an hour...” ponders Johnson. “I betcha your life is worth that, right? I figure if someone doesn’t come back after 24 hours they won’t ever be coming back and unfortunately I have to retain the security deposit to cover costs.”

Johnson states he hopes to see the border violence quell as soon as possible.

Throb: Up All Night at Whitey's

See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!

G-Fresh, Throb Columnist

If you’re lookin’ for my follow-up story on the ongoing saga of the Downtown Farmer’s Market, you ain’t gonna find it. That’s old news now and the Skidmark staff has been busy reviewing all the new restaurants in town, including the recent makeover of the one and only Whitey’s.

Located just south of downtown, sitting quietly in the ominous shadow of that one tall building, is one of Las Cruces’ oldest eateries. Whitey’s recently received a fresh new look, not having been remodeled since 1982. I ain’t been there for a few years – not since that one time I picked up a chick at the pool hall across the way and treated her to a midnight omelet. Ay, the memories! But I ain’t like that no more.

It was a late Friday night – I was out doing field research at that cowboy bar and after a few dances things was gettin’ heated up so I take off my hoodie down to my wife beater. This bouncer dude comes right up in my face and points to a sign – No Wife Beaters it says – and then points to the door. I was like “dayam” and wasn’t in the mood for a club shooting, so I split. I was feelin’ munchy and I saw Whitey’s right across the street, so it was a no-brainer.

There were a few punks hanging around a lowrider in the parking lot when I arrived and I ignored them when one yelled “Yo, want some?” to me. Once inside Whitey’s I was quickly seated by my server, José, who tried to interest me in a pre-order of Cheezee Pancake Poppers™. I declined and scanned the menu – the Insomniac® menu – and got the feeling it was created expressly for late night drunks and stoners. I took a quick look around at the other patrons and it made sense: at a nearby table sat a couple of dreadlocked hippies intently building a pyramid out of straws and humming, in the corner sat a woman with a black eye nervously drinking a cup of coffee, and at another table sat a coven of glittery club girls laughing hysterically over a basket of fries.

The menu choices were intense, even for Yours Truly: Pablo’s Party Potachos®, the Phat Daddy Burrito®, Smokin’ Spliff Snackerz®, the Rockin’ Rollin’ Ranch Sundae®, and Screamin’ Cream Cheezers®. Then I see the Pure White Vanilla Milkshake for $5, invented by Whitey’s “Band Of The Month”, the White T’s. I’d like to know what a five-dollar shake tastes like, so when José comes back I order that and some blueberry pancakes.

“Oh, we ain’t got blueberry, man,” laughs José. “This is the ghetto. You got to go to Village Inn for that. But I got strawberry and and chocolate chip.”

I ate this.

I decide to play it safe and order the Hot Beef Chili Steamer®, a double bacon cheeseburger smothered with chili, cheese, and ranch dressing. ($7.99)

My food and shake arrived within a few minutes and I start laughin’ because it looks like a big platter of shit. I was so hungry I didn’t care.

“Dig in, man,” says José. “You want some extra napkins?”

I shovel the food into my gaping maw – it may have looked like crap, but it was delicious. Feelin’ the heat of the chili, I suck down my five-dollar shake to neutralize the fire.

“Goddamn! That’s a pretty fuckin’ good milk shake,” I say when José comes to clear my table. “I don’t know if it’s worth five dollars, but it’s pretty fuckin’ good.”

The bum behind Whitey’s who scared the crap out of me.

I paid my bill, didn’t leave no tip (I don’t believe in tipping), and barely stepped out the front door when my bowels started churning. Hard. I got into panic mode thinkin’ I was about to be sick and ran over to the Dumpster behind the restaurant. This fuckin’ bum jumped out and scared the crap out of me – literally – and I made it over to my car leaving a trail of what, just moments earlier, had been a Hot Beef Chili Steamer®. Yeah, you know this was comin’, but that shit looked the same going in as it looked coming out. Dayam!

I cruised by the next morning to check out my mess and that bum started yelling at me, something about this being his Dumpster. I took a snap of that mofo and split. Wild times, y’all. I give Whitey’s only two stars, probly won’t go back.

What: Whitey’s of ‘Cruces Where: Main Street, across from the plasma donation place When: 24/7/365 Why: Cheap food, open late, caters to drunks

Grand Opening!