Put On The Glasses! Put On The Glasses!

SPECIAL REPORT:
Editorial & Voting Guide
By Fnord Manfredgensinson,
Covert Assignment Reporter

Ever get the feeling that there’s something rotten in America? Maybe you don’t feel as free as you’re supposed to be? Perhaps you’ve noticed the American Dream is only something people on TV are living? If that’s you, then you need to put on the glasses.

It’s election time. There’s a lot of people who want you to know they care about you. They want to do a whole bunch for you, too, if you do something for them. If you vote for any particular individual they will make sure, for example, to keep the queers from getting married. They’ll make sure you are safe at night. They’ll make sure that the Evil Empires on this earth are kept at bay. Then, when you’re not looking, they’ll cut taxes for their wealthy friends; give themselves raises; drive the US dollar into the ground; stand by while corporations embezzle your pensions; ship your jobs overseas; privatize the military; and suspend your natural rights as people one-by-one until one day we citizens no longer own the country but are owned by our country.

Kind of sounds un-American of our elected representatives, right? If you feel that way about their behavior, you’re on to something. And if you don’t feel that way, just ask yourself: how much could you possibly have in common with a handful of millionaire, high-society, inbred, ivy league, old-money campaign financed know-it-alls? And how much could they possibly have in common with you?

The real Hillary Clinton through the looking glasses. We’d do Monica too!

If you answer “not a whole lot”, congratulations! You’re a real flesh and blood American! Because we Americans are hard-working, underpaid, god-fearing, independent, git ‘er done, tough shit, high-minded badass motherfuckers who can spot bullshit a mile away. We don’t need anyone telling us how to live our lives. We know that shit sucks right now. And we know things ain’t the way they said it was. Someone’s lying. Right now someone is lying to your mother. Right now someone is lying to your children. Right now you’re getting paid less than you were in 1979, bizaatch.

Think that’s un-American?

A couple of days ago The Skidmark team made an important discovery.

An anonymous source gave us a box of what appear to be normal cheapo spectacles. Our source said he found them in the dumpster behind Las Cruces Biologicals while he was looking for a gift for his sick aunt. While most of them went for sale on e-bay, he generously donated the few that remained to The Skidmark in exchange for a case of Monster Energy Drink and a carton of Red Apples. What began as joke to us – wearing them about the office while we laughed about helping a stinking homeless construction worker with a very aggressive mullet – soon became a life changing event. We realized he had discovered something big. It’s our duty to report the truth, and the best way we can bring you the truth is for you to put on the glasses! Wear them and see for yourself.

Here’s Johnny! Old John “Rugburn” McCain: wants eternal war über alles!

When we put on the glasses for the first time we were shocked. Everything we had in the office, except the Skidmark mock-ups, were blank except for a single word or phrase telling us to “consume” or “sleep” or “watch TV”. We immediately noticed that our staff Survival Skills Coordinator, John Frances Michael, looked like total shit while the rest of us just looked stoned. When we removed the glasses everything returned to normal. That’s when we knew: John was a total Alien Douchebag! This was one E.T. we had to hurt! The funny thing about it is that he didn’t even know what had changed with the glasses on. All he said was “Tlön, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius!” when we went medieval on his punk ass. Apparently, the whole world is being run by a bunch of stank ass aliens! They’re everywhere! They own the major media: TV, radio, and the FCC. They own the oil companies, tobacco companies, the USDA. They’re everywhere – they’re truly the UN Americans!

We believe they are aliens. They Live, among us, unknown to us. We work alongside them and go to school with them. They often portray and uphold a higher status than we do. They tell us how we ought to behave, what to buy, and who to believe. They constantly revise the truths we are told and repeat these messages over and over on the news. They control our thoughts by repeating lies until we believe them. They use tactics, ignoring important events and issues while they flood us with trivial thoughts and glamour. They condescend to act in our best interests when they want something from us: money, votes, approval, or sheepish indifference.

A snapshot of typical water-cooler behavior of the Alien scum. Note the casual manner in which they greet others like them.

Their behavior is often secretive. We know they like to belong to organizations that say they are benevolent and humanitarian, but are not transparent and open to the public. We think this is one way they stay organized in their efforts to dominate us. They love to hold positions of authority that require specialized knowledge. They are often lawyers and academics who understand the true meaning of specialized legal definitions that confound and alienate us lay-people.

The messages they send us in our daily news are all advertisements. The news is there to tell us to “buy more stuff” or “look at what your neighbor owns”. They pit us against one another based on our beliefs, cares, and religious or political preferences. They encourage us to fear others of different skin colors, nationalities, upbringings, or spoken languages. They treat us like morons. But when it’s time to pay taxes we’re all the same. And when things are really bad they often give us a little present to give back to them, like an economic stimulus check. Then we’re supposed to go shopping and forget how messed up the world is. But it’s not messed up. Everything is really just fine and dandy. We no longer have to think or worry because there are people to do it for us. Good people who have their best interests at heart for us little people. And the good news is we can vote for our favorite alien in just a few months!

Now, in case you were too busy watching Survivor or American Idol for the last eight years – if anyone tells you that an election can be stolen they’re just sore losers. Computers today are totally perfect and too smart to let that happen. So when you vote this time you can bet that it will count.

Just remember that at The Skidmark, we don’t care who you vote for or why. We just want you to be as confused and angry as possible when you do. We recommend you vote for the person who wants to kill the most people if they “have to”, or vote for the person with the most ties to corporations so they can make billions and you can make an extra buck-o-five in stock dividends.

Try to vote for anyone who wants to reinstate the draft so your kids will serve their country and have a future, while the neighbor’s kids will get blown to bits before they are old enough to drink a beer. Remember, nothing will happen to your kids because no one will let that happen – not even the president. Remember: freedom is worth fighting for, but no one should have the choice whether they should fight or not. The only best way to serve our country is to fight someone else for it. If we keep having the choice to serve in the military, then we won’t have any freedom left to fight for.

We also recommend you vote for the person who wants to spend the most money on rebuilding the infrastructure of a foreign country, that, if you’re lucky, you’ll never set foot on because it’s way too dangerous and full of poor people whose sole purpose in life is to blow it all up without so much as a thank you. This is actually very smart of our representatives, because they know all that cement they lay is going to trickle down back to our Homeland and fix our roads and bridges – that way we won’t have to do the work and we’ll save money. Besides, those people are too poor for maps. If we didn’t rebuild everything they wouldn’t know where the new Walmart was.

We also recommend you vote for the person who wants to fight the most countries at one time while they take away our right to own guns because they might fall into the wrong hands.

We encourage you to vote for the person who will cut the most pork out of the budget, specifically cutting money for stuff to help poor or stupid people get any learning from. We all know they should spend that money on jails where poor and stupid people belong in the first place, so that the people who have money for the art and books and stuff will be our children who get them from their college bookstores or high school libraries. We also need to save money for the really important things like high school athletic equipment. Then all students will have a chance to get college scholarships so they won’t have to go to jail. We should stop spending money on any social services, welfare, or health care because people just take advantage of it. Just imagine: if we all had universal health care we paid for out of our taxable incomes, we’d totally take advantage of it.

When you vote, think of which alien you most want to see burning in hell and then vote for the other candidate. This helps because voting is confusing and there’s just so much information to remember. So many issues! Vote for the prettiest candidate, too, or the one who says the fewest big words. You can bet they’re more honest. Voting for the candidate you would most like to be is another way you can cut through the red tape. If the computerized voting machine seems too intimidating in its sheer perfection or there are just too many buttons, get someone to help you or even vote for you. All you have to do is stand aside while they punch the buttons.

And don’t forget, voting day is always every four years on Wednesday. Sure there are people who go on Tuesday, but it’s just a training exercise--like a test run. You wouldn’t want to show up to vote on a broken machine, would you? Vote on Wednesday when your vote will count!

Envision the totalitarian state of the America! Fuck yeah!

Sure, the Aliens live. They rule us. They’re our masters. But we at The Skidmark ask, “Can’t we all just get along?” Life is too complicated for us and maybe we need that one percent of the population to govern our lives a little bit here and there. When things get tough, they have calm heads and warm hearts to confide in. They know what is good for us. They’re smart. How else could they possibly make so much money? America is a great place and getting better by the minute. We have the best politicians that money can buy and we’re god’s chosen people. So put on the glasses! Go out there and thank an alien for all their hard work and grit. God Bless Them!

City Adopts Color Coded Trash Bins

Stemming from a flood of complaints from three area residents, the City’s solid waste department is planning to unfold a brand new refuse collection program based on the successful color-coded label system used by several environmentally conscious communites around the United States. The program will be the first of its kind in Southern New Mexico.

Local woman Moonshine Freespirit was fed up paying for a service she did not use. “I was getting billed fifteen bucks a month for garbage I don’t have; it takes my household at least 8 weeks to fill up that big 96-gallon trash container. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’m getting ripped off – especially when I see all my neighbors with overflowing trash cans full of greasy pizza boxes, broken toys, and beer cans week after fucking week paying the same fee.”

Freespirit is referring to the City’s mandatory rule which requires residential properties within the city limits to pay a monthly fee for refuse collection. The current fee is $15.82 per month and includes weekly pickup of the 96-gallon trash containers, plus a biweekly Grappler “Takin’ It To The Street” pickup for bulky items that will not fit into the container, like stained mattresses and sun-warped plastic lawn toys.

Moonshine and her life partner, Honeymead Porter, decided to do something about it. Both hailing from Colorado Springs, they recalled the trash pickup system instituted there in 2002 after the city was unable to keep up with the massive amounts of garbage generated by its exploding population, particularly the huge emigration of Californian Cash-outs.

“They set up a three-tiered system based on how much waste people produce and charging them accordingly. By sticking the appropriate colored decal on your curbside bin, the garbage man could see instantly which bins to pick up on his route.”

Moonshine explained that households who ordered once- or twice-weekly trash pickup received American flag decals to express their patriotism; bi-weekly customers received plain red decals; those who opted for the monthly pickup received green decals of a tree with a smiley face; and fees were set at a simple $10 per pickup, paid on a monthly basis. The City of Las Cruces plans to copy this concept.

Said Porter, “Some people in Colorado Springs were so environmentally conscious they didn’t even have enough trash to justify a monthly pickup, so the city let them opt out of refuse collection entirely. I knew one guy who went to the county landfill with a Hefty bag just twice a year because he recycled or reused nearly all of his waste materials like glass jars and paperboard, and he didn’t buy plastic crap from China at the dollar store that broke after one use. All that shit just gets buried forever, ya know?”

Just north of Tucson, Arizona, the city of Marana has adopted a similar program to manage garbage.

“A majority of our residents are young families with at least one SUV parked in the driveway and soccer-playing children. For these residents, a weekly pickup of 96 gallons of garbage just wasn’t enough. People were complaining because coyotes were tearing into all the extra garbage bags stacked around the trash containers and scattering feces-smeared disposable diapers around the neighborhood,” said Marana Solid Waste spokesperson Frito Pendejo.

“A small percentage of our residents signed up for the colored decal system, but in addition to that we offered families the option to lease dumpsters for a weekly fee of $100. If they want to generate more waste in one week than someone in, say, Japan, generates in an entire year, then they should pay for its burial. Residents initially balked at the cost, but it’s working. Residents are now competing with each other to overfill their dumpsters as a display of wealth. Everyone is happy and some homes have even painted their dumpsters with Southwest icons like kokopelli and cactus to make them more attractive. It’s all about having freedom in this great land of ours.”

Freespirit and Porter presented the concept at a recent City Council meeting, which was unanimously approved after surveying trash output around Las Cruces on garbage pickup day and crunching some numbers. City representative Hank Hangman explained the quick decision. “Roughly 94% of residences we surveyed had garbage spilling out of their 96-gallon bins, absolutely filled to capacity in only seven days. Now, we could keep encouraging residents to bring their recyclable items to the bins at Walmart, but it’s like beating a dead horse. We rifled through a number of random trash containers and found that an average of 76% of the refuse consisted of Budweiser beer cans and plastic soda bottles, both of which are accepted at recycling centers around Las Cruces. What this means is most people prefer to throw everything in the garbage, and we want to accommodate that. For a fee.”

Las Cruces has no plans to offer residential dumpster service yet, but states it has been penciled in on the Vision 2040 plan for the next 35 years as the quality of manufactured goods made in China continues to decline and enters the waste stream more quickly.

All residents who currently have solid waste pickup services from the City will receive more information about the new color-coding program with their next monthly bill.

Local Woman Sued For Drying Laundry

Buffy Fairweather is trying to go green.

No.

But instead of being commended for her efforts at reducing her carbon footprint, she experienced a different kind of green: to the tune of $10,000.

“I came to realize it made absolutely no sense to put my laundry into the clothes dryer when nature could do it for free,” says Buffy. “I stopped buying that ‘Clothesline Fresh’ fabric softener because I was getting the same result by actually hanging my laundry out to dry on a clothesline. For free.”

Buffy is referring to a recent discovery that proves wet clothing will dry – and dry quickly – if left to hang outside for about an hour, and it costs nothing. The craze has been sweeping the nation and clotheslines have been popping up from coast to coast, including the Southern New Mexico region. People in colder climates have found that utilizing indoor clothes racks or hanging wet clothes on hangers seems to work just as well.

Unfortunately, Buffy currently rents a house in the Picacho Peak subdivision and the Homeowner’s Association does not share her enthusiasm for trying to protect the environment.

Think of the children.

“We contacted Ms. Fairweather after receiving numerous complaints from other residents who felt that seeing the Fairweather family’s garments blowing in the breeze was a huge distraction at the 14th Hole,” stated a representative from Picacho Peak Country Club. The Fairweather’s property is adjacent to the 14th Hole at the golf course.

“We also had a few complaints from concerned parents who didn’t think it was safe for their children to see Mr. Fairweather’s boxer shorts hanging outside for the world to see. We decided it was in the best interest of the children in our community to protect them from such vile experiences and are taking legal action against Ms. Fairweather to rectify the situation.”

Two weeks ago, Buffy received a subpoena from the Picacho Peak Homeowner’s Association (PPH-ASS) informing her that she has been slapped with a lawsuit for failure to comply with the strict HOA rules. The lawsuit is seeking a total of $10,000; $2,028 of that is for the Fairweather’s annual cost for the honor of living in PPH-ASS, and the remainder is to cover predicted expenses involving the forceful eviction of the Fairweather family.

“In Section 88, Clause 982 of our Rules & Covenants manifesto it clearly states that residents may not display unsightly items on their property, and that includes laundry on a clothesline,” said PPH-ASS. “In an effort to make everyone happy and to create a fake community such as Pleasantville or Stepford, we also forbid the presence of recycling bins, uncoordinated mini-blinds and draperies visible from the street, and vegetable gardens.”

Buffy states she had no idea of the bullshit she now has to deal with. “We just rent this place, we don’t own it. Our landlord lives in Santa Fe and we’ve never actually met him. We just send him a rent check every month and it’s cool. We only wash clothes that that are visibly dirty or stinky, so we only do laundry about once a month. Now we’re being criminalized for going green. Fuck that.”

Buffy says she plans to fight the charges in court and urge PPH-ASS to allow more freedom to its residents. If she loses the case and is evicted, she intends to steal several golf carts from the country club and sell them for cash to cover her moving expenses.

“It’s OK To Believe In Aliens, Young Jedi”

VATICAN CITY - The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, was quoted as saying the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.

“How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?” Funes said. “Just as we consider earthly creatures as ‘a brother,’ and ‘sister,’ why should we not talk about an ‘extraterrestrial brother’? It would still be part of creation.”

“The extraterrestrial is my brother”

“The extraterrestrial is my brother”

In the interview by the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, Funes said that such a notion “doesn’t contradict our faith” because aliens would still be God’s creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like “putting limits” on God’s creative freedom, he said.

The Bible “is not a science book,” Funes said, adding that he believes the Big Bang theory is the most “reasonable” explanation for the creation of the universe. The theory says the universe began billions of years ago in the explosion of a single, super-dense point that contained all matter. But he said he continues to believe that “God is the creator of the universe and that we are not the result of chance.”

“The church has somehow recognized its mistakes,” he said. “Maybe it could have done it better, but now it’s time to heal those wounds and this can be done through calm dialogue and collaboration.”

Rev. Jose Gabriel “Cacafuego” Fumar (pictured right), breaks it down like this: “Look; we’ve spent all this time and money trying to get through to you people, and gain control once more from the Rebel Alliance, The Protestants, The Enlightenment, and especially the America and such as. Hello! We’re still wrapping up the Crusades. That’s why we think it’s high time that y’all embrace your fear and hate and come over to the Dark Side. Of course there are aliens. Just look at my brother; he’s broke, don’t do shit. What do I got to do to get through to y’all? Shoot lightening bolts through you from my fingers and ass? We aliens are among you. Where do you think velcro came from? It’s time for you to submit or reap the whirlwind, mindless American sheeple. And don’t forget to vote.”

Roundabout Planned For Valley/Main Intersection

Architectural rendering of the proposed Valley/Main/I-10 clusterfuck

City traffic engineers have been scratching their heads over how to handle the clusterfuck at the intersection of Valley Drive, Main Street, and Interstate 10. They may have come up with a brilliant solution.

“Yeah, ya know most people call this intersection the ‘five pointed star of death’ and we realize it’s tricky. There’s a lot of traffic passing between Valley and Main, and the streets don’t cross at right angles, so drivers get confused. Then there’s the truckers exiting the Interstate looking for a hamburger or someplace to take a shower and meet some ladies,” said Tom Mañana, Lead Traffic Engineer Consultant.

A classmate of Mañana’s daughter, who attends NMSU, spent 3 months in Great Britain this past spring and told the Mañana family all about her travels and how people live across the pond.

“Yeah, she was saying how many of the urban crossroads have these ‘roundabouts’ and they don’t need no traffic lights because the cars just keep moving in a circular flow. It seems weird to not have any redlights at an intersection, but she swears it worked, and worked well.”

The city held a public meeting to hear how the community felt about such a drastic change to the roadways, knowing that most Americans are quite resistant to change. Only three people showed up, but their input was invaluable and swayed City Council to begin drafting plans for the city’s first roundabout.

“We’re going to save a buttload of money on the operating expenses of electronic traffic signals, and motorists are going to notice a big difference in the fuel efficiency of their vehicles by not idling at a redlight forever. We also predict a drop in road-rage incidents as a result of the constant flow of traffic versus people parked in their cars side-by-side giving each other dirty looks and flashing gang signals. They simply won’t have the opportunity to fight.”

The City plans to make the circular traffic lanes double-wide to accommodate the number of oversized trucks and SUVs common in the region, as well as to provide enough space for mobile-home transports. Construction is expected to begin in August, and if successful will begin conversion on other high-traffic intersections to roundabouts.

Kia To Introduce New Zia

Korean car manufacturer Kia Motors has announced plans to unveil their latest concept car, designed specifically for New Mexico.

Concept model of the new Kia Zia

The Kia Zia, scheduled for availability for the 2009 model year, has been fitted with features appropriate for the Land of Enchantment. The vehicle’s base price has been set at $6,999 to appeal to the lower-demographic population of New Mexico.

On their website, Kia states the new Zias will come standard with a number of safety features and amenities customized for New Mexico residents and will be priced so that even a never-married single woman with four children will be able to afford a brand new car.

Kia Motors ordered numerous demographical statistics charts to get a good idea of the type of vehicle that would most benefit area motorists. Kia executives were perplexed, shocked, and even humored at test results, but proceeded with manufacturing anyway.

In addition to the regional amenity features, Kia states the Zias will be equipped with the best quality components for safety and durability.

Ki-duk Kim, Kia Motors spokesperson, stated, “We make Kia Zia strong. We make it good. We get good price on parts from friends next door in China, then we make best car for world people. Built to last, but don’t drive too fast!”

The Zias will also come standard with a top speed of 86 miles per hour to conserve fuel and to deter people from using the cheap cars as getaway vehicles. Kia states if 88mph is achieved, the Zia will vanish into thin air, leaving behind two flaming skidmarks. The first models will be made available in two styles, Biggie Size Road Monster and Cool Low Rider.

If you are interested in purchasing the new Kia Zia, please visit your local Kia dealership later this year.

STANDARD FEATURES OF NEW KIA ZIA

• Bright safety orange exterior paint for visibility during dust storms and convenience store robberies
• Oversized spoiler mounted on rear of vehicle for aerodynamic and aesthetic purposes
• Integrated child safety harnesses in every seat to accommodate a minimum of four babies; optional upgrade to harness more children
• Explosively loud stereo system with huge speakers built into every door with complimentary CD of “Ridin’ Dirty”; optional upgrade of massive subwoofer system in rear cargo area
• Integrated ignition Breathalizer system to prevent vehicle from starting if driver is drunk; optional wireless transmission to nearest police cruiser for successful drunk starts
• Fart muffler with Full Release^TM
• Fake testicles hanging from the rear bumper to show driver’s “toughness” (a theft prevention device)
• Center console gun case with fingerprint-activated lockbox
• License plate privacy shades
• Under-seat beverage cooler with a capacity of six “soda” cans
• Blue or green ground FX and turbo hydraulic lift kit on 7” chrome-plated spinners
• Custom body damage on your choice of front or rear fender
• Fuel system designed to run on canned corn with fully automated can insertion vacuum tube

Showcase del Barrio

Featured Home: The Compound
One man’s trash is this couple’s trailer treasure

The Ybarra’s original trailer, wrapped in used tire scraps and retrofitted with shipping containers.

Surely those who have passed by the Las Aguas del Marrón trailer park have noticed the strikingly unusual display of stacked shipping containers nestled beneath the canopy of mesquite trees. Not as noticeable are the hidden structures strategically buried around this triple-wide lot, including an old school bus and an expired travel trailer.

Dick and Mary Jane Ybarra have resided in the park since 1974, when they purchased Lot #23 and installed a modest mobile home. That same year, the Ybarra’s started their own business, Art Farts, one of Las Cruces’ first art studios and galleries. The studio struggled for many years until about 1999, around the time the California refugee mass-migration began.

“Suddenly business really picked up and we almost couldn’t keep up with the demand for our brightly colored handicrafts. At one time, we were even buying crap from the Salvation Army and scavenging dumpsters for unique items, then Mary Jane would just splatter them with bright paint and put an Art Farts sticker on the bottom,” explains Dick.

“We found a bunch of broken televisions for free at a rummage sale once, splattered them with pink paint, filled them with dirt and a small cactus, and sold them as decorative garden planters for 89 bucks. It’s all about the power of art,” added Mary Jane, rolling her eyes.

The Ybarras get refreshed in the Las Aguas del Marrón community pool.

It was this success and ingenuiety, and a stroke of misfortune, that led the Ybarra’s to begin constructing their dream home. In 2001, two adjacent neighbors were evicted from their trailers for domestic battery and running a meth lab, and the lots sat empty for months, circled in crime scene tape. Dick jumped on the opportunity.

The couple purchased the adjacent lots, forming a triple-wide space, and began digging. To save money, they initially hired a crew of Mexican laborers to dig the holes with shovels, but hit a thick layer of caliche and were forced to change their plans.

Dick developed what he called “water bombs”, pouring a mixture of gunpowder and starting fluid into holes drilled in the caliche, flooding the pits with gasoline-laced water, and igniting it.

“We did this early on a Sunday morning when most people are still passed out from the night before and the city offices are closed. There was a series of loud booms and a few fireballs, but it worked and nobody even noticed.” Dick and his crew then cleared away the piles of hard earth with shovels and buckets and dumped it into the nearby irrigation canal. Dick, the grandson of an ex-communicated Amish farmer, says he has an aversion to machines and technology, and prefers to do everything by hand.

With the trenches dug, the Ybarras began their search for the least expensive housing options they could find. After attending a train yard liquidation auction in El Paso, they came home with four old shipping containers destined for the junkyard.

Building up. Making maximum use of the triple-wide lot.

“We were the only bidders, and we snagged those babies for a hundred bucks a piece,” said Mary Jane. “We bought them from this guy with a flatbed hauler who said he would transport them for an extra hundred bucks and a case of Coors.”

The shipping containers were placed beside the Ybarra’s original trailer and elevated on cinderblocks and old logs. Dick fused the containers and the trailer into one connected unit with a blowtorch and pieces of re-bar found in a trash pile at the rear of the trailer park. Mary Jane began planning the interior decor.

“We wanted to do something completely different that didn’t involve everyday things like walls, ceilings, and doors. And we wanted to have enough room for Dick’s giant stuffed teddy bear.”

An old school bus, buried undergroud, provides a cool refuge on hot summer days.

Armed with a sledgehammer, Mary Jane gutted the entire interior, knocking down all the inner walls and punching a few holes around the outer sides to allow natural light in.

Mary Jane, who cooks for a hobby but doesn’t actually eat, wanted her new kitchen to be something special. She collaborated with one of the volunteers at ReStore to help her decide on which countertop to get.

“This nice young man named Ralph worked with me on my decision. I knew exactly what I wanted, but they only had two countertops in stock that day and one of them was covered with cigarette burns, so I went with the yellow Formica one.”

Dick spends a quiet moment in his Man-Room, basking in the glow of his illuminative creation, “999 Lamps.”

Dick also desired his own private space, which he calls his “Man Room.” To give the Man Room a more “warm, comfortable feeling”, Dick installed hundreds of light bulbs on the ceiling, naming the display “999 Lamps.” The massive energy required to power nearly 1,000 lightbulbs is offset by the solar panels Dick installed on the roof of Container #3.

The Ybarras, who refuse to buy anything new, have outfitted their entire home with used furnishings and found objects.

“We weren’t really sure what kind of look we were after, but after collecting a series of couches from the dumpster behind the Salvation Army and getting smokin’ deals on original velvet paintings down in Palomas, we realized we were going for the 1979 look,” said Mary Jane. “Entering our home is like stepping into a time warp. It’s fun!”

Most of their furnishings have cost less than $25, with the exception of Dick’s gigantic 8-foot tall pink teddy bear, purchased from an artist in Bisbee, Arizona for $500.

“I love the color pink and I love bears – I just had to get it.”

Last year, the couple were able to expand their living quarters into eight additional trailers that were at risk of being hauled away to the scrap yard. Several of the Ybarra’s neighbors had moved out of Las Aguas and into tract housing near the Picacho Peak Country Club, leaving their trailers behind. Dick bought the old trailers for a song. Unable to build a pulley system strong enough to lift the trailers, he hired a local man with an industrial-size forklift to stack the trailers on top of one another. They intend to fill the trailers with more broken furniture and assorted useless junk, eventually turning it into art. Trailer #2 has already become a sort of safehouse for bulky avocado green kitchen appliances. Dick plans to refurbish the stoves and refrigerators, and repaint them with silver chrome spray paint for that modern titanium look.

Mary Jane tends to a member of the Ybarra cactus patch, Phallus Pokeus.

The lot’s landscaping has also received Mary Jane’s creative touch and attention to detail, where she has cultivated a variety of chile, squash, and other edible plants, in addition to what may be Las Cruces’ most unique cactus garden.

“I like to grow food-bearing plants as a hobby,” says Mary Jane, “but I’d never actually eat them. It’s just a hobby. This stuff might have bugs and dirt and stuff on it – I don’t want to get sick or nothing, so I get all my vegetables at Albertson’s.”

Mary Jane’s vision for her cactus garden came to her one day after receiving an email from a friend containing several pictures of plants that look like human genitalia.

“I was laughin’ my ass off when I seen these pictures on the Innernet. There was this tree that totally looked like a nekkid lady spreading her legs, and then I saw this bulbous carrot that looked like a you-know-what!”

It was that deformed carrot that inspired Mary Jane to attempt a similar feat, but with assorted cactus plants. It’s been a project that has taken many years, but the slow-growth of a particular barrel cactus has rewarded her with her prized creation, Phallus Pokeus. Mary Jane is considering entering the cactus patch into this year’s Tour of Gardens, but remains apprehensive because it isn’t like a normal backyard.

The famous “Penis Fountain”, hand-sculpted by Mary Jane.

To enhance the unusual landscape, Mary Jane designed and built a water fountain, using a mixture of blasted caliche, natural clay, and composted human feces strained from the Ybarra’s waste lagoon. Inspired by the “cock and balls” fountain in Amsterdam, she proceeded to create a larger version, circled by a birdbath. She says the flowing water often attracts enough pigeons that she is able to trap one or two for dinner.

“It’s about sustainability and being green. We reuse everything and waste nothing,” said Mary Jane proudly as she pointed to her hand-strung pigeon bone bracelet.
The Ybarras are planning to open their compound to the public on the third Saturday of every other month and offer $5 tours around the lot.

“We want the opportunity to share our simply superior lifestyle with friends and neighbors, and to educate people about creating a private paradise from a pile of junk. In 50 years there won’t be any oil left to fuel all these big trucks. Now’s the time to start stacking all these surplus trailers.”

Throb: Busted At The SNM Wine Fest

See what’s pumpin’ in ‘Cruces!

G-Fresh, Throb Columnist

Drunk as hell but no throwin’ up
Half way home and my pager still blowin’ up
Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K.
I got to say it was a good day

Yo peeps, G-Fresh kickin’ it here after a wild weekend sippin’ on some Sauvignon and chillin’ with Chardonnay until I got all caught up in a Blue Light Special on I-10. I praise Big Poppa and the collaborative efforts of my media connects for backing me up and gettin’ me out of some deep shit. Here’s how it all went down – and kids, don’t try this at home! Or along an Interstate.

So bein’ the Arts & Culture Soulja that I am, I was asked by our very own Bob Loblaw to attend the 18th Annual Southern New Mexico Wine Festival, courtesy of The Skidmark. Free wine, greasy grilled turkey legs, and use of our company vehicle (a modified hearse) to haul my azz out there – ‘shit yeah’, I said, and headed out there Saturday afternoon with my cousin, Rufus.

After we passed the prison, we were there. We had a minor incident at the admission gate where I argued that Rufus should not have to pay the full $13 admission because, as a Mormon and my ride home, he don’t drink. I showed them our press passes, but they said he has to pay anyway, so I said ‘sheeit’ and let them swipe the Skidmark Mastercard for two. Fuckers.

First off, yo – why they be havin’ these festivals in May and August? It was damn hot out in the middle of the desert without a tree in sight. With the county detention center to the east and a shooting range to the west, I wondered if there could possibly be a more uninviting location to celebrate the art of craft wine. There were a couple tents erected for shade, but around 2pm we got pummeled by a raging sandstorm that collapsed all the shelters and sent two Porta-Potties airborne. Determined to cash in on the freebies, I continued sampling the many fine wines as much of the premises was evacuated during the Azúcar show.

After several hours of partaking in journalistic field research under the beating hot sun, and a few shots of the neon green chile wine followed by a wine-a-rita chaser, I was toasted. The last thing I remember is Rufus dragging me off the stage as I chanted “Sugar! Sugar!” and took my shirt off to tie around my head, Sahara-style. Rufus suggested we take off and swing by the shooting range to chill out for a while and burn the buzz off by firing at tin cans and shit.

G-Fresh’s path of destruction

Things were fine until Rufus insisted on building a pyramid of beer cans that he found scattered around the range. I swear he shouted “Done!”, so I aimed and fired my pistol at the cans and the next thing I know Rufus be laying on the dirt screaming that he been shot.

“WTF, dude?!” I said as I saw his crotch and left pant leg turning red, and Rufus started praying like crazy. I guess we had some ricochet action, cuz my aim is usually dead-on-balls accurate. So I dragged his bleeding ass into the Skidmark hearse and I tore out of there along the I-10 Frontage Road, until we passed the Fairgrounds again, where I was immediately pulled over by one of Doña Ana County’s finest. Dayam.

Before I got tazed I done told the Copper that I’m with the press and we were out on assignment for the newspaper, so it was all like legit and shit. Oh yeah, and that my cousin was in the back of the hearse with an accidental gunshot wound. But he say, “Naw man, you’re drunk - spread ‘em and bend over,” and I was like “Shit no.”

It was a convenient 5-minute ride to the county jail where Rufus went to the clinic to get a Band-aid and I was given a pre-booking interrogation. Turns out I got the small-town hookup, cuz the interrogator knows our Survival Skills Coordinator, John Francis Michael, so he was like, “You’re cool, bro. Free to go.” See, the media can get away with anything!

I’m going to tone things down a bit at next year’s Wine Festival, which I’ve been told is going to be held in an old aircraft hangar at White Sands Missile Range, with a grand finale missile detonation presentation for all those attending. See ya’ll there!

'Cruces Shopper: Summer '08

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CATCH THE SKIDMARK and smell the roses! Available monthly at select Las Cruces locations and always online at www.lcskidmark.blogspot.com

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REALLY GOOD CRAP for sale every weekend at Mucho Mama’s Junk Fest! Broken bikes, cracked dishes, pirated DVDs, dolls with matted hair, and MUCH MORE!! Sat & Sun in the K-mart parking lot.

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SKIDMARK NOW HIRING Do you have survival skills? Are you clinically insane but able to hold a job? Join our team! Must be proficient in rock climbing, gutting large fish, and coding HTML. Email today!

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SLEEK STRAP ON magnifying glasses, fits over regular reading glasses. Perfect for being able to read Sun News classified ads. Call 555-5555

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SPREAD THE SKIDMARK Do something for the community and help spread the smear! If you would like a stack of ‘Marks to distribute here, there & everywhere then just email us already! We’ll get some to you ASAFP! lcskidmark@gmail.com

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VICIOUS PIT BULLS ready to go. Must be kept outside all day in treeless backyard surrounded by garbage and chained to gas pipe. Trained to bark day/night and terrify passersby. Call Dwayne 555-5555

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FOUND: 3D GLASSES in boxes in dumpster behind plasma donation center. Call to identify. Keeping one box as reward. Call Nada 555-5555

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BARELY USED BABY seat for sale. Some blood stains, cracked harness, used once. Visit the Casa de los Niños Muertos rummage sale Saturday 9am

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UNIQUE COOKIE-CUTTER house for sale. Looks exactly like neighboring houses, but front door is painted with Desert Storm instead of Tortilla Taupe. Sharp! Picacho Peak CC Subdivision, 1710 Prickly Pear Maze Loop. Come to open house this weekend so you can be just like everyone else! Only $350 G’s – bargain!

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GENTLY USED NUTS for sale. Had them dangling on my Ford Nitro XX RU-486 HD crewcab, sold, too much gas. Nuts don’t fit on new Kia Zia, sacrifice for 10 bucks. Call Macho at 555-5555

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NERD SEEKS NERD Short white male looking for some light dating and friendship with another ‘educated’ person. I’m in dire need of some wit and intellectual conversation. Proper grammar and picture required for a reply. Email me at snake_in_my_ass@hotmail.com

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